Honey Bee
by angel-castiel-rules-the-world
Summary: Dean and Cas were once happily married. But then Cas was diagnosed with a brain tumour. After the operation to remove it he woke without any memory of the man he loved and who loved him. This is the story of how they both deal with the situation and the story of how Dean and Cas once again find true love. Based on the song by Louden Swain with the same name. Destiel human AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all. Okay I know I shouldn't, but this has been going round in my head for ages and has stopped me from trying to write my other stories so I had to write it down. I promise I will try to get some of my others finished over these holidays, cos even I think that having eight stories on the go at once is a little too much.**

 **Anyway I hope you like this latest idea of mine, it's based on the Louden Swain Song 'Honey Bee'.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, nor any louden Swain lyrics.**

* * *

 _'You woke up,_

 _Even with the nightlight on,_

 _You're seeing shadows in the break of dawn,_

 _You called out,_

 _Deep inside a dream of my own,_

 _It was a nightmare,_

 _I was all alone.'_

 _Honey Bee - Louden Swain_

* * *

The beeping of the machines was the only sound heard in the clinical white room, not that Dean was paying any attention, unless they changed their steady sound, then he would be screaming for someone to come. That had happened three times now, and every time he was pushed aside, made to stand by the door as he watched with mounting horror as the doctors shocked his husband's heart to start it once more. It was at those times he prayed.

He had never been one for god, but Cas was. Cas went to church every week, helped out at the homeless shelter and was generally as selfless as an angel. He was the selfish bastard who just wanted to spend all his time with the man he loved. And yet somehow it was Cas who had got the brain tumour. The one that most doctors said they couldn't operate on. Hell they had told them that they had only a year left together before Cas died, and he had accepted. Cas had said 'oh well it is god will, we will make the most of our time together', and that was it. But not Dean, no he was not having that. He was not going to let Cas go peacefully into the night. He had decided to fight with everything he had. As such he had searched and searched until he found a surgeon who was willing to operate. Oh they told them both of the risks, but Dean couldn't see Cas' god letting him die if he tried to fight. He didn't believe Cas could die, but now he wasn't so sure. Maybe in his quest to make sure they had longer together he had rid them both of their last few months in each other's arms. Oh god he hoped not.

Cas had laid in this same bed for the last seven days, not a twitch or movement to show he was still in there. For all Dean knew his soul was already in heaven and he would never see him again. But he couldn't think like that. No he would not believe that god would take his Cas from the world. He would wake and they would be fine. He knew the doctors had removed all the tumour, so that wasn't an issue anymore, but when he asked why Cas wasn't waking all they would say was that the body sometimes needed time to heal and he would wake when he was ready. Dean just wished he was ready now, I mean Cas was never one for sleeping late, so surely he should be awake. But no, instead it was Dean who had spent the last week living off of little to no sleep refusing to move from Cas' bedside and only being pulled away when Cas' brother Gabriel was there and he could go and have a shower and grab some food, but he was never gone for long. He hated the idea that Cas would wake without him. They hadn't spent a night apart in the whole five years of their relationship. He didn't want Cas to think that he started now.

And so he sat there and waited for the time when Cas would wake, open those beautiful blue eyes and smile at him with his sweet lopsided grin, tell him he was adorable for worrying but that he should have known he would never leave him in that deep gravelly voice of his.

And so Dean waited for any sign that his life wasn't over.

* * *

Day eight into Castiel Winchester-Novak's comma and the doctors were starting to get concerned. Dean didn't understand why they couldn't have been concerned on day one, he had lived through eight eternities already, but at least they were doing things now. They sent Cas for a head scan, when it returned they frowned over it and mumbled something about certain parts of Cas' brain not functioning as they should, but when Dean asked for clarification all they could say was that they would see when he woke, and Dean could see in their eyes that by that they meant if instead of when. And so he went back to waiting, though he was starting to find it hard to keep his belief that Cas would come back to him alive, it seemed to be turning into a hope, a wish, a dream instead of unshakeable knowledge.

* * *

By day twelve Dean was ready to climb the walls. The doctors would say that at least Cas was stable now, the machines rhythm hadn't changed in days. Not that that helped Dean much, his husband may be stable but he was still unconscious. He had started to talk to him, whispering all and any words that came into his head, bargaining out loud with whoever was listening to bring Cas back to him. Promising Cas the world and more if he returned. Begging god to save the man he loved. Anything to get him back to him.

But it wasn't until day fifteen that Dean's prayers were answered, in a way he had never considered they might be. It was enough to break him into a thousand little pieces.

* * *

Dean was sitting beside the bed running his hand through Cas' hair messing it up just like it used to be when they first met 5 years ago. Suddenly he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and he quickly moved to bring the finger he had seen twitch into his line of vision. He didn't call for the doctors, this wasn't the first time he had thought Cas was waking up only to discover it was his mind playing tricks omen him. So he stood there and waited to see if it happened again, and when he saw that it did a smile broke out on his face and he turned quickly so he could place himself in position to look into his husbands deep blue eyes as soon as he woke. Standing there he saw Cas' eyes move behind the eyelids, and then flutter as if they were trying to open. And finally, after what seemed like an age to Dean, they blinked and he saw the blue eyes he had fallen in love with so long ago looking up at him with confusion.

"It's alright Cas, I'm here. Everything's gonna be alright now." Dean whispered in a gentle tone as he smiled with such joy in his eyes at the man looking up at him. He guessed if he had just woken up from a two week sleep he would be slightly confused too.

"Where am I?" Castiel asked forcing the words through his dry throat as he looked up at the green eyed man who had the nicest of smiles.

"The hospital, don't you remember, angel?" Dean asked smiling even more at finally hearing Cas' voice once more. Even crackly and dry it was still his deep gravelly tone.

"Excuse me?" Castiel asked very confused about why this man was calling him angel. Just because he was named after one did not mean that this stranger had a right to address him as such. It was highly inappropriate, and if this man worked for the hospital, then Castiel would make sure he mentioned it to them.

"What?" Dean asked confusion and worry entering his facial expressions now as he looked a Cas' wary face. What was going on here, where was the smiling, nerdy love of his life?

"Who are you?" Castiel asked hoping that that would clarify this weird and confusing situation. He had no idea what was going on or why he was here, but maybe this man would have some answers, once he knew who he was of course. For all Castiel knew he could be some sort of psycho, New York was filled with them his mother had told him, and he remembered he had just recently moved to New York, so maybe this was one of them?

"I'm Dean, you husband." Dean replied his heart breaking at having to say those words. He didn't want to believe that Cas couldn't remember him. It couldn't be possible that he had forgotten them.

"No, no. I'm not married. No way. I can't… please leave me alone." Castiel stated clearly trying to sit up and when he found that he didn't have the strength to do that he tried to push the man away, but it seemed that didn't work either, instead the crazy guy leaned in closer trying to touch his face and his hair as he spoke causing Castiel to cringe away from any sort of physical contact with this man.

"No Cas. It's me, its Dean. Your love, please…" Dean begged hoping that if he could just touch Cas then it would all come back to him, but all he seemed to do was scare Cas, make him pull away from him. No he couldn't… Dean couldn't survive this after every that had happened, no god no.

"I asked you to go. I don't know you. HELP, HELP, SOMEONE HELP ME." Castiel ended up shouting when the man wouldn't stop trying to touch him. He just wanted him to leave him alone and he was trapped and he couldn't get away from him and he didn't like it. He was afraid and alone and he had the most horrible thoughts of what this Dean could do to him right now running through his head, all said in his mother's loving, if slightly controlling tone. He should have listened to her and stayed at home, not followed his brother to the city. She was right, he wasn't ready for this horror.

"What's going on? Mr Winchester-Novak, you're awake." Came a female voice that made Castiel sigh in relief as the woman pulled the crazy man away from him. Though it was strange that he was called Winchester-Novak, he hoped he was no relation. It was then he realised that she wasn't talking to man who had been touching him, but to him. He wasn't Winchester-Novak. He was just Novak, Castiel Novak.

"No its Novak, just Novak. Get him away from me, I don't know him." Castiel said to her to make sure she knew that whatever she had thought was the truth was a lie. This man had obviously tried his delusion of marriage on the staff while he was unconscious and they had believed him. Where was his brother? He could understand his mother not being here, New York was far from home, but where was Gabriel? They lived together, surely he knew he was in hospital.

"You don't remember Dean?" The nurse asked in a controlled tone, though Dean could see the widening of her eyes at this news. This wasn't good that he was sure of.

"No. please, where's my brother, did he put you up to this? I want to see Gabriel, now." Castiel stated starting to get upset now. Why were they all pretending he should know this man? What was going on? Why was he here? He just wanted to see someone he knew, someone he recognized, he wanted his family.

"Of course Mr Novak, we will call him right away. Just one question, what year is it?" Asked the doctor who had walked through the door at some point, Castiel wasn't sure when.

"2009." He said clearly as if that was the most stupid question he had ever heard. And in the back ground, by the door, he heard the voice of that Dean man whisper.

"Oh god, no."

But he didn't understand what his problem was, unless he was worried about how his evil trick had been discovered, pretending to be his husband, what was the point?

* * *

With the realisation that Cas thought it was the year before they had even met Dean found himself being unceremoniously pushed out of the room. He found himself standing with his back against the wall finding it hard to pull in breaths as slid down so he was sitting on the floor. Cas didn't know who he was. They had said that he might have some memory loss, but for him to completely forget him? It was too much for Dean. All the hours of worry and lack of sleep suddenly overwhelmed him and Dean pulled his knees up to his chest and lowered his head as he let the tears stream down his cheeks. Cos while Cas may well be alive, he had still lost him. Lost what they had. Lost the kind, sweet, slightly clueless and naïve man he had fallen in love with. The man who had helped him come out to his family. The man he had planned on spending his life with. He was gone forever, and Dean had no idea how to deal with that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello my dears. Wow, the response to the first chapter of this story was awesome. I would like to thank NourWinChester and roughenedverses for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since I posted this. I love you all.**

 **So here is the next chapter. I hope you like it. Also I just want to say I have no medical knowledge of amnesia, so I hope I get it right.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Gabriel ran down the corridor towards his brother's room confusion in his mind. All he had been told was that his brother was awake and asking for him, but why it had been some nurse rather than Dean making that call he didn't know. Though he guessed his brother-in-law was busy being with Castiel.

When he got close to the room though, he saw Dean sitting in a heap on the floor with his legs curled up and his head bowed. He would have gone to him, asked what was wrong, but then he heard his brother's voice, sounding small and scared and as much as he cared for Dean, Cassie always came first. So ignoring the man outside the room he made his way through the door and to his brothers side.

"Hey Cassie. Your awake." He said with a gentle smile on his face. He had no idea what was going on, but hopefully Castiel could tell him something.

Castiel on the other hand upon hearing the voice and the nickname his brother had given him so long ago breathed a sigh of relief. Gabriel was here, he would fix everything. Make everything make sense.

"Gabriel. Oh thank god you're here. I was so afraid." He said without really registering what the man who had spoken looked like. It sounded like his brother and that was all he needed.

"Why? What's up kiddo?" Gabriel asked moving so he was next to Castiel bed and able to take his hand and give it a squeeze. Though he guessed that was a stupid question. No doubt it was disorientating coming out of a two week coma.

"There was this man here who kept saying he was my husband Gabriel. But I don't have a husband. Why would he make up such lies? And then the staff called me Mr Winchester-Novak. But that's not my name." Castiel replied starting to get agitated again and making Gabriel's eyes widen. What the hell was going on? Why did Cassie think he wasn't married to Dean? I mean since the day they got together he had rarely ever seen his brother without Dean at his side, so what did Castiel mean? Of course if he had been saying this for a while, that would indeed explain Dean's posture in the corridor, his brother-in-law probably felt like someone was repeatedly kicking him in the gut, he loved Castiel that much.

"Okay Cassie. It's okay, I'm here, just calm down, okay?" He responded in a gentle tone, the words meaningless on his tongue as he tried to get his head around what was going on. It wasn't like he could ask the doctor in front of his brother or anything.

"Yes. I'm glad you're here Gabriel. I didn't like being alone." Castiel replied holding Gabriel's hand tight as the doctors came forwards and started asking Castiel questions about what he remembered, and Gabriel listened to his answers with mounting horror. He had lost so much. So much that made him the independent man Gabriel knew and loved today. It broke his heart to hear and once the doctor had finished he could think of nothing to say.

"Mr Novak? If I could have a word?" The doctor asked saving him from the job of talking to Castiel about what he was missing. And so at that Gabriel nodded, He may not be Castiel's next of kin, but he had a feeling his little brother was going to need him a lot in the next few days, weeks, hell even years. But when he moved towards the doctor to follow him outside, Castiel grabbed his arm with fear in his eyes as he whispered.

"Don't leave me."

"I'm just going to talk to the doctor Cassie. I'll be right back." Gabriel reassured him, but the fact he had to made him hurt so much for the man who seemed so small in the hospital bed, even if he was taller than Gabriel himself.

"Promise?" Castiel begged. He did not want the only person he recognised in this strange hospital to disappear. He needed his brother with him, to help him understand what the doctors and nurses were talking about. They wouldn't tell him anything, just took him for scans and smiled sweetly while talking to him as if he was a child, and he hated it. He needed to know what was going on and he knew his brother would tell him. He had to, he was his brother.

"I promise." Gabriel replied moving his hand so he could remove Castiel's from his arm. With a reassuring smile Gabriel walked out the room following the doctor into the corridor, stopping when the doctor stood and faced Dean still on the floor with his head bent.

At this sight the doctor cleared his throat before he spoke.

"Mr Winchester-Novak? If I could have a word?" He said in a sympathetic tone.

At the words Dean looked up with red rimmed eyes, but he nodded as he wiped his hand across his face in a vain attempt to clear it of the tears and pulled himself into a standing position. Once he was up the doctor led them away from Castiel room and to a quiet place where no one would be able to overhear.

"As you both aware Castiel Winchester-Novak woke with serve memory loss. We have since that time conducted scans and as assessment of Mr Winchester-Novak's condition." Doctor stated in his clinical voice as if it would be easier for them to hear with no emotion clouding his tone.

"And what did you find?" Gabriel asked when he realised that Dean was in no state to ask anything at all. It seemed his brother-in-law was in too much shock, too much pain, to even think of anything to say. Not that Gabriel could blame him for that one. He couldn't imagine what Dean was going through right then, and in all honesty he didn't even want to try.

"At present we believe that this amnesia came about due to either the severity of his coma or the possibility that that part of his brain was damaged during in the operation." The doctor responded still as professional as ever.

"Is it permanent?" Gabriel asked the only question he knew he and Dean really wanted the answer to. Because they needed to know if this was Castiel now. If he was going to be like this forever, never able to remember that which he had lost.

"From what we can determine from his latest scan, yes Mr Novak, it is." The doctor replied and finally there was emotion in his voice, he was sympathetic, though he was looking more at Dean than at Gabriel, but he could understand that. It seems Castiel didn't remember the man he loved at all.

"What was his last memory?" Dean asked though his voice cracked. Gabriel knew what Dean wanted to know, he wanted to know if there was any chance Castiel remembered him at all. Even if it was just in passing.

"I have determined that he remembers nothing after the year 2009 just after he moved to New York City, where he is under the impression he still is. We feel at this time it is best to go with this theory until he is calm enough that we can explain the truth to him."

At that sentence Gabriel turned to Dean beside him, barely noticing the doctor leaving them in peace. He knew what that meant. Castiel didn't remember his husband at all and from what the doctor had just said was never likely to. He couldn't imagine the pain Dean was going through right now, but he also had no idea what to say, how to help him through this.

* * *

Dean stood there and listened to the words the doctor said taking very little in. Only two things registered, the first that whatever this was, it was permanent. And the second the date Cas remembered to. He didn't remember him, and he would never remember him. How was he going to cope with that? The man he loved was alive, but he had no idea who he was. Had no idea what they had together. He couldn't process it, Cas would never know of their life together. Hell he didn't even realise he was back in his home town for god's sake. How was any of this possible? How would he go on without Cas at his side? It was worse than if he had died a small traitorous part of him brain told him. At least then Dean would know that he wasn't with someone else, having another life without him. Dean could have tried to move on. But this, this was something he had no idea how to deal with. Because even when Cas was told the real year and that they were married, he wouldn't know him. He wouldn't love him, it would be like some story told about another. How was Dean going to survive without Cas in his life when he knew he was still on this earth?

Suddenly Dean noticed the silence in the room and came back to the here and now and out of his head enough to see Gabriel watching him with a look of sympathy on his face. He didn't want his sympathy, hell he had just thought it would be better if Cas was dead, he didn't deserve Gabriel's sympathy. He didn't deserve anything from him.

"You should go back to Cas. He needs you." He said instead of voicing any of his inner thoughts. It would be better that way, Cas was alone and confused, he would need his brother now more than anything. And Cas had always come first to both the men in this room, it was one of the things that brought them so close together when he and Cas had started dating, not that mattered now. Cas didn't remember, and he never would.

"Dean, if there's anything I can do." Gabriel replied. He had no idea how to help the man next to him. He knew the old Castiel would want him to though. He had loved him with all his heart then, before this.

"Look after the man I love." Dean responded with a cracking voice as tears once more collected in the corner of his eyes, and Gabriel understood. They both loved Castiel, and he needed him.

With that he nodded and walked out of the room, though as he made he was back to the Castiel he did send a text to the only person he knew that could have any chance of helping Dean deal with this. His brother Sam.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank Guest and FriendlyNeighbour for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it. If likes the right word.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Sam arrived at the hospital with the intention of making his way inside to his brother-in-law's room where he expected to find both Dean and Gabriel. He wasn't sure why Cas' brother had texted him to get here, but he knew that it had to be something major. I mean sure he and Gabriel talked and got along, but it was mainly because there brothers were married and they were both so close to their respective sibling. So it would have to be something really serious if Dean wasn't the one contacting him. Sam just hoped it wasn't the worst. He had been trying to prepare himself for the time when he would have to comfort Dean if Cas died, but he knew that nothing would be able to do that. He just really hoped it wasn't that. Anything but the man Dean loved more than life itself dying. because he had a horrible feeling that his brother wouldn't be able to come back from that. But no, he needed to stop thinking the worst. There was no doubt plenty of reasons Gabriel would be contacting him rather that Dean, maybe Cas had woken up and he and Dean were busy being there inseparable selves, yeah, that's what it was.

With that hopeful thought in mind Sam made his way to the building without looking left or right. But as he approached the automatic doors making them open he stopped. Something in his peripheral vision had caught his attention and was screaming at him to turn and look. So ignoring the doors which were now opening and closing like crazy because he stood in the sensors, he turned to the right and scanned the area where there were benches and an attempt at a garden. It was then he saw what had been yelling at him stop and turn. For there, sitting on the back of one of the benches like he used to when he was a teenager was his brother. And he did not look good. In fact even from this distance Sam could see the pale, stricken look on his face. Oh god no. Don't let it be this. Don't let this have happened, not to Dean. Not after everything they had been thought. No, his brother did not deserve this. Cas didn't serve. You bastard god, why the freaking hell would you take him away from the one who loved him so much. How could you do this?

Not that Sam said any of these thoughts out loud, he kept the ranting internal as he made his way to Dean. He had to be there for his brother, and he would be there for his brother. He would help Dean get through this, if there was any way he could get over losing his soul mate. As he got closer he saw the tear tracks down Dean's face and Sam felt as if someone was physically ripping his heart from his chest. If he ever needed evidence that god didn't exist then it was there in front of him. Etched on Dean's face. Because no god could do this to him. He deserved so much more than he had ever been given. Why him? But no he needed to be the strong one now. Dean had been strong for him all his life, it was time he stepped up to the plate.

"Dean?" He said, trying to sound normal but even to him he could hear the lost little boy he had been when there mother had died and they had been left with just their dad to care for them. Which was not saying much in Sam's mind.

"He woke up Sammy." Dean whispered not turning to look at his brother. Sam needed to know what was going on, but he knew if he looked he would crumple like some kind of wuss. And he couldn't do that. Not yet, he needed to tell Sam the facts.

At those words Sam's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say how amazingly wonderful that was, but he shut it pretty quickly when he realised that there was something else going on here. Something not so good.

"Why are you out here?" He asked gently trying his hardest not to upset his brother, all the while knowing he needed all the facts before he would work out how he could help. What he could say to give his brother the comfort he so obviously needed, not that he thought for a minute he could. The only person who had ever been able to comfort Dean and that was Cas, like when he had told their dad he was gay and John had been none too pleased. Cas was the one who had held Dean after that. The one who had helped him pick himself up and carry on. How was Sam going to do that for Dean this time?

"He doesn't remember me Sammy. And he never will." Dean finally got out, though at the words he could feel the tears once more pouring down his face. Abstractly he wondered how he still had tears left to cry, but he knew that was just his way of fighting the feelings inside. The ones which were clawing at him to get out, crawling at his throat trying to make him scream at the injustice in the world, clawing at his hands, trying to make him slam them over and over into the tree he could see just to his left until his bones broke and his blood coated its rough surface. Making the pain on the outside try to match that on the in, though he knew that wasn't possible. Not even the greatest torture hell could throw at him would match the pain he felt right then. Cas didn't remember him. His perfect life for the last five years was nothing more than a lie. He would never again be able to hold Cas in his arms, be held by Cas' arms. There was so much, too much, he would never get to do again. And son of a bitch, did it ever hurt. It hurt more than he could ever try to explain, or ever try to deal with.

Sam stood there trying to process the words Dean had just said. He had a million and one questions but he had no idea how to ask the broken figure of his brother. I mean, how could Dean know he would never remember him? And how could Cas forget the last five years? It was too much for Sam's mind to process, and if he was finding it hard, he couldn't even begin to imagine how it was for Dean. To see his dreams for the future go up in smoke, I mean he and Cas had been thinking about adopting for god's sake.

And so instead of trying to make sense of anything Sam did the only thing he could think to do. The same thing Dean had done to him so many times before when he was hurt or in pain. He moved and wrapped his arms around his older brother and held him tight. Even though he knew his attempt at making Dean feel safe was vastly inadequate.

At the feel of Sam's arms around him Dean couldn't hold it in any more. No they weren't Cas', but they were the next best thing in his mind. The only person he loved as much as he loved his husband. And so he turned into Sam's arms, wrapping his own around his back and clinging on to his shirt for dear life as he let the tears and words flow without censure.

"I've lost him... He's gone Sammy. But he's not… I know he's in there with Gabe and he's sacred and unsure and all I want to do is wrap him up and take him home but I can't. Cos he doesn't know what home is. He's not the same Cas. He's not the one I can depend on… You know earlier I thought it would be better if he had died, what sort of man does that make me? I wished my husband dead Sam… maybe this is better. Better for him, he could do so much better than me Sam. I was never good enough for him. Maybe this is god's way of giving him a second chance, or telling me to remember my place… Do you know what I was saying before he woke? I promise his god I would do anything, take anything, if only he let Cas live. It seems his answers pretty clear. He wants me to leave his precious Cas alone. And I will. I have to… He doesn't know me Sam, and he never will want to know me. After all that-… I don't know how to go on without him."

By the end of his ramblings Dean was finding it hard to breath. The thoughts that came with verbalising the words which had been going round his head too much for him to handle. He couldn't do this. He just couldn't. With that he pulled himself out of Sam's arms and jumped of the bench as he swiped his face free of tears. He then looked round the place he was standing with a wild look in his eyes. It was a look Sam didn't recognize, nor know how to deal with.

Suddenly Dean was off moving, running for the parking lot and his car, and even while Sam shouted and screamed and begged for him to come back Dean jumped in the driver's seat and pulled out of his space. He needed to get away from here. Away from all of this. He needed it gone. In every sense of the word.

And Sam just stood there helplessly as he watched his brother's impala storm out of the gates of the hospital in a cloud of smoke and dust. Just what the hell was he do to now? Because he did not trust his brother in the state he had been in… And he wouldn't put it past him to do something truly stupid, he just hoped that it wasn't suicidally so. With a sigh Sam debated, but he had no idea where Dean would be going, so instead of running to his own car, it was too late to follow now, he turned back to the hospital and continued his journey to Cas' room. It was time he got answers to what was going on here. He couldn't help his brother without them.

And he flatly refused to listen to the voice which was whispering that if he wasn't careful he would have no brother to help soon enough.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank rainystv, linusfan13 and lovely21 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So here is the next chapter, it's kinda long, but I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean drove, blanking his mind from all he had left behind. All that he had was the tarmac beneath and in front of him. He couldn't think any more. There was too much, as such he focused all his mind on whatever visage was in front of him and refused to let anything else enter. And so he drove, and when he felt the thoughts of Cas, what would happen now, what had happened, trying to intrude he turned, finding himself down smaller and smaller back roads, though he never reduced his speed. He was going as fast as he could go, anything to keep his mind from what he had left behind. As such he found himself on a road which wound itself tightly round the side of a hill. It had a cliff on one side and the steep slope on the other, and there were sharp corners and bends along the whole route. It was it Dean's mind justice. It was time to let the fates decide what was to become of him for all his anger at what had happened. As such he drove at a speed which no sane person would to take those corners. You see he didn't care if he lived or died, but he refused to take his own life, he left it in the laps of the gods.

And so he drove, speeding up after every corner he managed to traverse. Surely those above would take pity on him soon enough, and the higher he climbed, the higher he had to fall, the more likely he was going to die. As he reached the summit he was screeching around at such a speed his car had gone onto two wheels, almost toppling over the side, but he was still there. There were no more corners, the only option he had was just to drive straight off the cliff, and he wouldn't do that. He would not commit suicide. Even if some would argue his earlier behaviour was doing just that. He had let the fates decide, and it seemed they wanted him to live. Though why he had no freakin' clue.

Once he got to the highest point he pulled into the parking lot and turned off the engine, thankful that he was the only one there. Though that was probably because night had fallen and there really wasn't much to see. Getting out of the car he went and stood at the very edge of the cliff that dropped hundreds of feet below and waited. He had tempted fate and god on the drive. But this was the ultimate test. He was just planning on standing there and seeing if the cliff crumpled beneath him, but as he positioned himself all that he had been refusing to think came crowding back into his mind. Cas didn't know him, he would never know him. And that broke everything inside him to such an extent Dean was no longer sure he wanted to live anymore. He could take just one more small step as so many others had before him and it would all be over. And he was tempted, so very tempted to just end all the hurt and pain coursing through his body.

He would let the universe decide if he should take that step or if he should return to his car and life. He would let Cas' god decide. He would give him a minute to give him a sign, and if none was forth coming he would see what his heart told him to do. With that decided Dean washed all thoughts from his mind as he stood there with his head bent back so he could see the stars that Cas loved so much one more time before the end.

* * *

Sam made his way into the hospital confused and worried. As such when he came to Cas room he didn't think before he entered. Luckily Gabriel saw him before he said a word and managed to shh him with a just a look. A look very reminiscent of the looks Dean used to give him when he was younger.

With a quick word to Castiel, Gabriel moved so he could take Sam outside and explain everything that had happened. How Cas had woken without any knowledge of Dean, how he was afraid of him because he tried to tell him they were married. How they had yet to tell Castiel the truth of his relationship with Dean. Once done Gabriel asked the one sentence which threw Sam as none others had even if the other man had just overloaded him with information.

"Where is Dean?"

"I don't know." Sam replied feeling once again like the small boy. Gabriel behaved like such on older brother after all, Sam had always equated him to Dean.

Gabriel looked at Sam and he couldn't fault him for losing his brother. He had no idea what was going on and Dean no doubt ran. He had been in such a state the last time Gabriel had seen him after all. But they needed to make sure he was good. The Cas from before would never forgive them if they didn't look after Dean. And he knew that he didn't have the ability to help him. He just hoped Sam did.

"Call him." He said simply to Sam, hoping he would understand.

And Sam, remembering the voice he had tried to ignore nodded and pulled out his phone pressing the speed dial for Dean as he did so.

* * *

45 seconds into Dean's decision to let god decide and his phone rang. Grabbing it from his pocket he saw it was Sam. he was tempted to hit the no answer button, but he had asked god to give him a sign, maybe this was it. Only one way to find out.

"Hey Sammy." He uttered, though his voice sounded dead. There was no emotion to it, just resignation.

"Dean, where are you?" Sam asked becoming alarmed at his voice.

"At the point." Dean replied using the local name for the cliff edge he was currently standing at.

"Why?" Sam asked even more alarmed at Dean's response. I mean the there was only two reasons people went there, and that was to make out or comment suicide and he was pretty sure that the first really wasn't an opinion for his brother right then.

"Because I've decided to let the universe decide." Dean replied as if that was all he needed to say.

At his words Sam looked at Gabriel with such a look of horror and worry and helplessness that the older man took the phone from him.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Gabriel asked in a brisk voice to hide his worry.

"Waiting for the fates to decide." Dean replied deciding that was all the explanation his brother-in-law needed.

At that Gabriel pulled the phone from his ear and turned to Sam hoping he would be able to give him a better answer.

"Let the fates decide what?" He asked with confusion.

"Wherever he lives or dies." Sam whispered with tears in his eyes. He should have followed Dean. If nothing else he could have pulled him back from the edge. He couldn't lose Dean, he just couldn't.

Without a word Gabriel turned into Castiel's room with the phone in hand and shook his brother roughly awake. He didn't care if Cas remembered Dean or not, he knew that the only person that could get Dean to walk away from the ledge was his brother, and he was going to do just that. If it was the last thing Gabriel got him to do.

"Castiel, listen to me. Remember that man from earlier who said he was your husband? Well he's about to kill himself. And I'm pretty sure you don't want that." He growled at his still sleepy sibling.

"But, what can I do?" Castiel asked in confusion. Of course he did not want the man to kill himself, even if he didn't know him. The idea of suicide ever being an option for anyone always upset Castiel, and he tried to help anyone he could. So of course if he could help this Dean man, then he would. He just didn't understand how he could.

"Talk to him Cassie, tell him you'll listen. Give him a chance to explain why he said he was husband. Please, for me. You are the only one who can save him kiddo. Please don't let me down." Gabriel begged, pleading his brother with his eyes to just do what he asked without questioning it. They didn't have time for the talk now, Dean didn't have time for them to have the talk now.

"I don't want him to die. If I can save him then I will." Castiel replied after a beat of thought. He did not understand what was going on, but he could see the need for action in his brother's eyes. And he knew that god had placed him on earth for a reason, maybe this was it. To help save this one man.

With that Castiel cautiously took the phone as if it would explode, he had never seen anything like this cell, it was so slim and had no buttons, but he still put it to his ear.

"Hello?" He said in a careful tone, not sure what to expect from the man on the other end.

"Cas?" Dean asked in a breath of disbelief. What was going on? Had Gabriel told him them? Did he now know what they were to each other even if he didn't remember? Was that a reason to walk away from the edge?

"This is Castiel. You are Dean, correct?" Castiel replied unsure of why the man was calling him Cas, but he would let that go for now.

"Yeah." Dean responded with a sigh. He didn't know then. He was just being the Cas Dean loved, willing to help anyone in need. God damn it Gabriel. What are you playing at? But as much as Dean wanted to put down the phone and take that final step, hearing that Cas didn't recognise his voice having sliced through him, he couldn't do it. He couldn't hang up on Cas, even if the other guy had no idea who he was.

"My brother says you are about to commit suicide is that correct?" Castiel asked getting down to business. He could not help this man if he didn't know what was wrong.

"I'm letting the universe decide." Dean replied pulling himself together. That was what he was here for after all.

"Well I don't know about the universe but I would prefer it if you didn't. My brother is being very strange, but he seems to think my words will change your mind." Castiel said with a frown at the idea of letting the universe decide. I mean how would this man know when it had?

"And why don't you want me to die Cas?" Dean asked in a conversational tone as if they were discussing the weather or something. He was detaching himself from the pain he felt hearing the distance between him and his husband.

"My name is Castiel, and suicide is not gods will. Life can be hard, I know, but you must keep fighting." Castiel replied with a firm resolve.

"Why?" Dean challenged smiling despite himself, they had had so many conversations like this over the years. Dean questioning Cas' assertions that it was gods will. Making him ague his point to him just to watch the passion come into his eyes as he talked.

"Why have you not jumped yet?" Castiel countered with. Surely if he hadn't done it yet, then the man did not want to do it.

"I told you, I'm letting the universe decide." Dean replied with a shrug, not that Castiel could see it.

"Do you love your family?" Castiel asked trying to find something he could say to keep this man alive. He had been at a loss for words at Dean's response but then he had seen his brother and thought of all the reasons he had ever had to want to celebrate his life.

"More than anything." Dean whispered as if his heart was breaking. Because he was talking to his family right now, they just didn't know it. Oh man, he wished Cas did. He wished he had him back again.

"How will they feel if you are gone?" Castiel asked simply hoping that would make Dean think about the others in his life. Whoever those others were.

"I think they would be better for it." Dean responded with a humourless chuckle. Sure Sam would be hurt, but he had others to care for him, and Cas, well he wanted him to leave him alone. So he could argue that he was doing just as he wanted.

"Why?" Castiel asked with a frown now. Why would anyone be better without their family? That made no sense to him.

"Cos I cause them pain." Dean replied closing his eyes as the image of Cas waking rose unbidden in his mind, watching the fear cross his face as Dean tried to grab him.

"And yet they love you." Castiel stated. He did not believe any family could not love each other.

"They did." Dean whispered as the tears once more started to course down his cheeks as he thought about all that they had lost along with Cas' memories.

"Then I suggest rather than killing yourself you try and persuade them to love you again." Castiel suggested in a gentle tone. The man sounded so heartbroken at those words. Castiel wished briefly that there was more he could do for him. Though he had no idea what that could be.

At that sentence Dean's eyes flew open and his tears stopped flowing in shock. It was so simple, and yet it had never even crossed his mind. Probably cos he was being all self-centred and concentrating on his own misery rather than being proactive about it. Cas was always the one who made sure he picked himself up again and keep moving forwards after all.

"Out of the mouth of the baby in a trench coat." He whispered, using the name he had called Cas when they had first met.

"I am not a baby, nor am I wearing my trench coat." Castiel replied somewhat offended, it didn't even cross his mind to wonder how it was Dean knew he owned such a garment.

"I know. But you are my saviour Castiel, you always were and always will be. Thanks." Dean answered with a smile on his face. With that he hung up the phone and moved away from the edge and back to his car. He has an idea now, he was going to make Cas fall in love with all over again, if that was the only way for them to be together then so be it. He could cope with that, he would make himself cope with that, and this time he could correct his previous mistakes. It seemed god had given him a sign after all, hmm, he might actually have to start believing in the big guy soon, but that didn't mean he had to like him.

* * *

And Castiel sat in his hospital bed pulled the now quiet phone from his ear and starred at it with a frown before turning to Gabriel. It was time his brother gave him some answers about who this Dean man was. Castiel was fed up with not knowing what was going on. He was not a child, he deserved to be told the truth.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank lovely21, linusfan13 and purple (Guest) for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it, if like is the right word.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

 _'There was not a little ballerina,_

 _Dancing for no one besides herself,_

 _You buzz around me like a honey bee,_

 _The world brand new,_

 _Awaits you, wait for me…'_

 _Honey Bee – Louden Swain_

* * *

Castiel held the phone out to Gabriel with a look in his eyes that his older brother just knew spelt trouble. Cassie had never been one who let things be after all. He had always wanted answers to everything, to understand everything, and Gabriel guessed there was quite a lot of things that Castiel really wanted to know right now. Ah hell, screw the doctors, he wasn't gonna keep lying to his brother. He just hoped that this was the right decision.

"What did Dean say?" Sam asked when the silence in the room was too much for him. He needed to know that his brother wasn't dead for god's sake.

"He said I was his saviour and he thanked me." Castiel replied looking up at the very tall man in the room. He had no idea who he was, but he seemed to be connected to Dean somehow.

"Oh thank god. Cas man, you really are amazing." Sam responded a smile breaking out on his face as he heard the words. Cos there was no way Dean would say that and then throw himself of the edge of a cliff. Cas had saved his brother once more, and this time without even knowing who he was.

"Why is it you and Dean call me Cas? My name is Castiel." Castiel replied with a frown. Calling him Cas showed a familiarity he knew he did not have with these men.

"I call you Cassie." Gabriel interjected into the conversation moving to sit on his brother's bed. He knew what was coming and he wanted to be there for Castiel as much as he could.

"You are my brother and you do it to irritate me. What is going on Gabriel? And don't lie. I know when you lie." Castiel said leaning back on his pillows. He was feeling tired, but he wanted answers before he fell asleep once more. I mean he wasn't even sure why he was in hospital, only that it had something to do with his brain, or at least that is what he had summarised from all the head scans he had received since waking.

"Okay. I wasn't supposed to tell you, but okay." Gabriel replied with a nod of his head. He wasn't going to lie anymore. Castiel deserved the truth, they all did.

"Well? Tell me what, Gabriel?" Castiel asked when his brother said nothing more. He was starting to worry, was there something wrong with his brain? Was he going to die?

"It's not 2009 Castiel, its 2015." Gabriel stated in an emotionless voice as he possibly could. Any way to hopefully reduce the blow he had just delivered, if that was even possible.

"But…no… how could that… no… what?" Castiel asked blinking at his brother as his heart rate speeded up and his breath became short. No, there was no way it could be 2015, he would know if it was… right?

"You had a brain tumour, it was bad and most doctors wouldn't perform the surgery, but one did. You were in a coma for two weeks, and now you have amnesia." Gabriel continued in his monotone voice, suddenly realising why the doctor had spoken to him and Dean that way. It was easier than letting any emotion get in the way of the facts that needed to be addressed.

"When will it go?" Castiel asked in a fearful voice. He couldn't have lost so much. It wasn't possible.

"They don't think it will." Gabriel said, at that he could hear his voice crack slightly and he closed his eyes to keep any tears of pain from them. His brother did not need him going to pieces right then.

"But… six years?" Castiel whispered in horror. It couldn't… no, just no. how could he have lost six years of his life?

"Yeah." Gabriel replied not being able to keep the sorrow from his eyes now when he saw the loss on his brother's face. So much, so much that made Castiel who he was, was gone in an instant. It was too much for him to comprehend, let alone his sacred little brother lying in the white hospital bed.

"What… what have I forgotten?" Castiel asked his face as pale as the pillows he was leaning against. If he hadn't been in bed he was sure he would have fallen down at this revelation. Six years.

"A lot of things Cassie. A lot of things." Gabriel replied with as gentle a tone as he could as he reached out to take his brothers hands and give it a squeeze.

"Such as?" Castiel asked after a minute of silence while he tried to process the fact that he had woken up six years in the future with no knowledge of what had happened. He had seen movies which had a similar plot line to the one he was living now, but he now knew nothing ever came close to the truth of this feeling.

"That you and Dean are married." Gabriel said in a soft tone. It was something that Castiel was going to have to know to be the truth as soon as possible. It would at least explain why he had got him to talk to the other man to stop him from killing himself.

"No." Castiel stated. He couldn't believe that. He couldn't accept that. It wasn't possible that he had forgotten falling in love, getting married, being happy. No.

Then unbidden by his mind the image of the smiling pretty green eyes he woke to see rose in his mind. But that was all. He did not remember the man Gabriel was telling him he was married to. No he wouldn't believe it.

"No. you are playing a trick on me." He said pulling his hand from his brothers. This was the cruellest trick Gabriel had ever played on him, and that included when he had got him lost in the mall as a child. This was not funny, it was pure cruelty, and he would not stand for his brother treating him this way.

"Cassie, I'm not." Gabriel replied his heart breaking at sound of betrayal in Castiel's voice. God he wished he had never started this conversation now. He had been wrong and the doctors had been right, Cassie was better off not knowing.

"Where is mother? She will tell me the truth." Castiel demanded thought the tears which had started to gather in his eyes at the nightmare he was currently living. But mother would make it right. She would tell Gabriel to stop messing around, and everything would be right if she was here. Why was she not here?

"Oh Cassie, she died last year. You and Dean moved back here, to Lawrence, to be with her. You now live in the house together." Gabriel explained in a soft tone. He hated doing it. Their mom and Cassie had always been so close. He hated having to be the one to tell him that she was gone. And he hated the fact that his brother was now going to have to go through that grief all over again, just this time he would not have Dean at his side helping him through as he did the last time.

"Mother's dead?" Castiel asked in disbelief. No, this could not be happening to him. It couldn't, he wouldn't let it. Surely god was not so cruel?

"I'm so sorry kiddo." Gabriel said. It was the only thing he could think of to say. He had no idea how to help his brother deal with all of this, but then he doubted there was anyone out there who did.

"I don't… can't… please leave me alone." Castiel stammered out through the tears which were now coursing down the face he turned away from his brother, as if he was trying to hide them.

At that Gabriel nodded, he understood Castiel needed to be alone to deal with all of this. And there was so much more to come. How was he going to help his brother through this? This was never his role. He made jokes, made people laugh. He didn't do the touchy feely stuff. Mother had done that for Castiel first, and then Dean had taken over that role. How was he to now step into their shoes?

* * *

With that Gabriel and Sam left Castiel to go and sit in the chairs in the corridor outside the room, where Gabriel just dropped his head in his hands as the realisation of all he was going to have to do, all he was going to have to be, for Castiel pushed into his mind.

"You did the right thing." Sam said after a minute of silence as he looked at Gabriel. He had never seen him like this, so unsure and vulnerable.

"Really? You sure of that Sasquatch?" Gabriel asked pulling himself together and lifting his head to lean it back against the wall behind him.

"Yeah I am. He deserves to know." Sam replied with certainty, for all he knew it was going to hurt everyone involved, he also understood that Castiel could not continue in the misconception that he had not lost six years of his life. All they could do was make sure they were all there to pick up the pieces of what remained and help him through it.

"I hope so." Gabriel muttered. With that they both lapsed into silence as they both thought of their respective brothers and how they were going to, at least attempt, to help them through all that was coming.

* * *

Dean arrived at the hospital to find both and Sam and Gabriel sitting outside Castiel's room.

"What's going on?" He asked when he took note of Gabriel's guilty look and Sam's sympathetic one.

"I told Cassie the truth." Gabriel replied with a sigh. Dean needed to be aware of all that had just transpired.

"What truth?" Dean asked wondering, there were many truths Gabriel could have told his brother after all.

"The year, that you guys are married… that our mom is dead." Gabriel replied wincing as he said the last, waiting for the explosion he knew was to come from Dean.

"Gabriel! You…" Dean growled, but he reined in his temper. This wasn't the time for him and Gabriel to be arguing, he needed to work out what he was going to do to help Cas through this. It had been bad the last time and he had been his husband in truth then, not just in name as he was now.

"What was I supposed to do Dean? He was asking for her." Gabriel defended himself even though Dean had stopped himself. He could see in the other man's posture that he was not best pleased with this latest situation. And it wasn't like Dean had any say now anyway. Castiel didn't know him, it was up to Gabriel to pick his brother up this time. Dean had nothing to do with this.

At that Dean looked into the room rather than at Gabriel, which was probably a good thing as Gabriel knew those traitorous thoughts would show on his face. How could he think that Dean wasn't important here? Castiel loved him, whether he remembered him or not. He loved him. And Dean loved Castiel just as much, of course he had a say. And Castiel would need him, his brother would need Dean, and Gabriel knew, he would need Castiel to need Dean too. He couldn't do this alone. He and Dean were going to have to work together here, for Castiel.

* * *

What Dean saw through the partially open door to Cas' room ripped his heart once more from his chest, if that was even possible. Because there in the bed was the man he loved and he had pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them as he cried, and while he made no noise, Dean knew he was crying. It was the same as he had been the first time round. When they had come back from the hospital after his mother had passed. And Dean he didn't think. He moved into the room and made his way to the side of Cas' bed and got down onto his knees so his eyes were level with Cas'.

"I'm here for you Cas." He whispered staring at his husband with all the love he had for the man, whether he knew it or not.

"I don't know you." Castiel whispered back through the tears. He did not know this man, even if he was apparently his husband, but that wasn't what was upmost on his mind right now. No, that was the fact he would never see his mother again. She had been his strength, his heart, for all his life. She had always been there for him when he needed her, and even when he hadn't. She had held him as he cried, and patched him up when he was injured. She had been there when he had first fallen in love, and held him when his heart first broke. She was the one he had first told whenever he had important news. She was so much a part of his life, how would he go on without her there, in the background, showing the joy and goodness in the world?

"I know, but I'm here for you all the same. Whatever you need. I'm here." Dean replied whispering still. Cas needed him and he would be there for him, no matter what.

"I don't understand… it's too much." Castiel responded through his tears. He could not take any more. Not now, not today, no more.

"I know Cas, I know." With that Dean cautiously reached out with his hand and placed it gently on Castiel's arm, stroking it gently as the other man cried for the things he didn't know. And Dean, well he made sure he didn't cry however much he may have wanted to. This wasn't about him. This was about Cas, and Cas was all that mattered. It was his time to be the strong one. To take care of the one he loved. His feelings did not matter anymore, only Cas' did.

And he stayed like that. On his knees by Cas' beside until the other man had cried himself to sleep. He then moved to the chair that was becoming as familiar to him as his own bed, he would sit and wait for Cas to wake and would do anything he asked when he did. He was going to be here for Cas, as much or as little as he wanted. Either way, Cas was the only thing in his life now. Just Cas.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13 for the lovely review. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it, it's kinda a transition one.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

When Castiel woke the next morning he asked for only one thing. A computer so he could see what he had forgotten from the world in general. It was easier to deal with that than getting any more personal revelations. Maybe once he had got used to the ones he had given, but not yet. He did not ask Dean to leave his room, but he did ignore the man the whole time he was there. Of course as his husband he had the right to be there, but that did not mean that Castiel had to talk to the man.

* * *

Dean sat quietly in Cas' room. He didn't expect Cas to want to talk to him, which was a good thing considering he didn't. He was just glad that he let him be near him, he didn't care if they didn't talk, hell Cas didn't even look at him. But Dean didn't mind, he let him be there, and for now, that was enough.

* * *

A week went by and the doctors pronounced that Castiel was healed enough to go home. This caused questions to be suddenly raised in many minds, because Castiel's home was with Dean, but he flatly refused to go home with that man. It was finally agreed that Gabriel would move into his old room and Dean would go and stay with Sam. Gabriel had been about to suggest Dean took his apartment, but then thought better of it. It was probably best his brother-in-law was not alone, and Sam had a spare room.

The one thing that had caused contention was the fact that Castiel did not want Dean being there when he returned home. He conceded and agreed to allow the man to visit the next day. But he wanted to settle into the house, which from his perspective he had only just left, with only his brother at his side. He knew his brother, he recognised him, even if after the revelation that it was six years from the date he remembered he had noticed the difference in Gabriel's face. There were more creases around his eyes and smile, and shadows under his eyes, though he guessed that was because he had been in hospital. But no matter what, he was still his brother. The one person who was there that he had known all his life, and there was no way he was letting him go any time soon. Not in this strange new time he was in.

He had found out that Gabriel had returned to their home town when their mother had been ill as well, though he had got his own place and had a job at some swish PR company, and that was in line with what he remembered. Gabriel had always been the one who was going places after all. But still, it seemed they had both returned from the whence they had come, it was sort of poetic, in an abstract way. And abstract was Castiel's favourite way of looking at the world right then. As if none of it was actually real, just a story he was analysing to see if he could work out the ending. It was the only way he could cope with all he was learning he had missed. Because he remembered none of it. None of it had emotions or feelings connected with it. None of it had any… memories. Who knew they were so important in life? It seemed the saying you don't miss what you have until it's gone was true. And it was a truth Castiel was now having to learn to live with, even if he had yet to even try to deal with the situation. Though he was very glad that Gabriel had not come here just because of him, he did not want to be a burden on his brother after all. He was after all still Castiel Novak.

Gabriel on the other hand had arranged with his office that he would work from home for the foreseeable future. It was easy enough to arrange, and as such he set up an office in the other spare room of Castiel and Dean's house.

It was strange moving his stuff over there the day before he brought Castiel home. Because while it was a house he remembered, the house he grew up in, it wasn't. It was Dean and Cassie's home, and looking round with Dean at his side he knew that whatever comfort Castiel hoped to find here, he wouldn't. They had changed it so much, and there was no way to change it back.

"I'll take down all the photos and stuff." Dean said into the silence as he and Gabriel went through the house. The idea of removing those memories, pretending they had never happened cut him like a knife. But Cas came first. And if it would be better for Cas, for the man he loved, then he would take them all down and throw them away.

"No Dean-o, don't. He's going to have to get used to the truth eventually, and maybe they'll spark some memory or something." Gabriel replied with a sigh at the idea of all that was in front of him of them. Of all they were going to have to work through. The stress was already pulling him apart, and he hadn't even got his brother home yet. How was he going to cope then? This was so far out of his comfort zone it wasn't even funny. But he was going to have to cope, he had no choice. This was his brother, his blood, and he was the most important person in his life.

"You heard the docs Gabriel. He isn't gonna remember. That part of his brain is damaged beyond repair." Dean replied through gritted teeth as he rammed his hands in his pockets to stop himself from punching something, anything, be it the man at his side of the wall to his left.

"I know. But I can't accept that." Gabriel responded with an honesty that he hadn't expected to come out. He was supposed to be the strong one here, not the one whining to Dean who Cassie didn't even remember. I mean out of the two of them Dean definitely had the shortest straw. And yet, ever since that conversation with Castiel, when he had been about to kill himself, Dean had been stronger than any of them. How, Gabriel had no idea, but he knew if he wasn't careful, that was a strength he would be taking advantage of. And he couldn't do that, however tempting it might be.

"Why? Because you're hurt for him, or because you're now the only person he knows?" Dean snapped back and then closed his eyes and took deep breaths. Cas didn't need him and Gabriel arguing right now. Cas. He was doing this for Cas. With that thought he pulled an image of his husband, happy and smiling with love in his eyes into his mind. Nothing mattered apart from Cas. It was all Cas.

"Dean don't. You are the best thing that has ever happened to my brother and I refuse to believe that he'll never know that." Gabriel replied with a tired sigh. He didn't understand how they got here. It was all too much, too fast, too soon. And he could not do it alone. He needed Dean's help, and for that he needed Castiel to accept the other man.

"I don't know if I agree with that. But I'm determined to make him fall in love with me again Gabriel." Dean responded, for the first time voicing his aim. Though he briefly wondered if that was a selfish desire, of course it was, but he couldn't go on without Cas in his life. He needed him, it really was that simple.

"Good. Just make sure you remember that he isn't the same Castiel. You need to learn to love him too." Gabriel replied turning to Dean with some of his fire back in his eyes as he looked at his brother-in-law. He could understand Dean wanting to get Castiel to love him again, it was completely understandable. But Dean would have to remember that Castiel was a different man to the one he had kissed goodbye before they put him under. For all this was hard and he needed Deans help, he would not let him hurt Cassie by getting him to fall in love with him and then realise he was no longer the man he loved. That was not going to happen on Gabriel's watch. He was still Castiel's brother and he would look out for him. His love for him was unconditional after all.

"He is the same, Gabriel. At heart he is still the man I love." Dean answered with complete sincerity. He knew what Gabriel was saying and there was no chance that would happen. Cas was his life. And he would do everything and anything he could for him. And he would always love him, no matter what. He had said it in his vows, and he and meant it then just as much as he did now.

"Okay." Gabriel replied with a nod. Only time would tell if Dean spoke true, but he hoped he did. He hoped it worked out for them both like it did in fairy tales or rom coms. But he had a horrible feeling that they had a lot worse to get through before they reached the happy ever after, if they ever did. Oh god he hoped they did, but who knows what the future will hold? At present all he could see was pain for all concerned.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13 and** **Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel walked through the door of the home he thought he knew to find that he had no idea. It wasn't until that moment, until he walked through the door of his childhood home, that it finally hit him. Nothing was as he remembered. Nothing would be the same again. It was strange, it wasn't the sight of unfamiliar photos or furniture that stuck him to the core, nor was it the newly painted walls or carpeted floors that made his breath leave his body. That made he stop seeing the truth as an abstract thing but reality. No, it was the smell. Their home had always had a smell, one that when he closed his eyes reminded him of his mom and family and childhood days. But walking through the door of the house now, that smell was absent. This was not his home anymore, this was a shell which contained memories, but not the heart. With that lack of smell he felt the punch in his gut which told him for sure that his mother was gone. Oh it wasn't that he hadn't believed Gabriel, but knowing something academically, and then discovering it for real were, he was finding out, two very different things. And it hurt. It hurt so very, very much.

Gabriel following Castiel inside saw him stop in the hallway with a stricken look on his face. It was a look he really did know how to deal with, but he was the only one there, he had no choice. He could do this. He could be this, for his brother, he could.

"Cassie, you alright?" He asked as gently as he could, reaching out to touch his brothers shoulder in the hopes of getting him to talk, to explain what it was that had caused him such pain. He could not help if he didn't understand after all.

"She's really gone isn't she Gabriel?" Castiel asked in a voice cracking with emotion as tears once more appeared in his eyes as reality pushed in on him.

"Who?" Gabriel asked, he was confused. He had no idea what was going through Castiel's mind, and he didn't like it. Damn it, he needed Dean. Dean always seemed to understand Cassie in a way he never had. But Cassie didn't want him here. Oh god, it was only the first step through the door, how was he going to cope when showing his brother the rest of the house on his own? How was he going to do this?

"Mother." Castiel growled out. Surely his brother knew of what he was speaking? This was his home too… but it wasn't was it? It hadn't been Gabriel's home for a long time. Even before his memories stopped this was no longer his brother's home. He would never understand, Castiel was alone.

"Yeah Cassie, she really is." Gabriel said taking a firmer hold of Castiel's shoulder now he knew what he was talking about and giving it a squeeze. Of course coming here Castiel would be hit by that loss. It was such a major one for him after all, and still so fresh in his new mind.

"It doesn't even smell the same anymore. Have you noticed that?" Castiel asked in a bewildered voice as if it was all too much for him, as if he was retreating once more from reality, a thing Gabriel had noticed him doing in the hospital when he had his head in the laptop, pretending Dean wasn't there. As if he was hoping this was all a nightmare he would wake from.

"Umm, not really? I mean you and Dean made this your home-" Gabriel explained, or at least tried to. The house always smelt to him of those two, but before he could finish his thought Castiel swung round to glare at him.

"This isn't my home Gabriel. This is a house that a person who looks like me lived in. I don't remember that. This is not my home." He growled. This was not his home. He had no home. He was not the man they all said he was. He wasn't. He was Castiel Novak, single and he had just found out his mother was dead. He had no husband and he now had no home.

"Okay." Gabriel replied seeing the slight wildness in his brother's eyes. He didn't know what to do, but he really didn't want them to fight. Best to let Castiel believe as he would, feel what he did. It would take time, so much time. That's what the doctors said. It would take time for him to emotionally start to accept everything. But damn it was like walking on egg shells, and it seemed to Gabriel he was breaking a hell of a lot of them right now.

Gabriel's acceptance of Castiel words was preceded by silence as Castiel stared at him until he decided that Gabriel spoke the truth. He finally broke the eye contact he held with his brother and turned to take in the aesthetic changes that had happened in this house, the other things that had removed his home.

"So what do you want to do?" Gabriel asked cautiously. If Castiel didn't feel this was home, would he be better off staying somewhere else? Maybe at Gabriel's apartment of a hotel or something until he felt better able to cope with… this?

"I have no choice, I must stay here and make it mine. My home is gone. All I have left are memories of it." Castiel replied with a weary tone of acceptance. He knew, he would never again have that which he remembered. It was funny in a humourless way, how now he would only have memories of his true home, and yet he didn't remember this place which according to all had taken its place. How the brain could play such tricks on a person. How it could make you feel such loss and yet resignation at the same time. It made him tired, so very tired. He had hoped that when he came back here he would have at least something to cling to other than Gabriel. Something else to hold him to this strange new world he found himself in. But no, it was all gone. Gabriel was all that was left, and even he could hear the stain that was having on his brother's voice. He must try, for Gabriel if not for himself, he must try to accept the truth in front of him.

"Cassie-" Gabriel started to say. He had no idea how was going to continue that sentence, there really was nothing he could say after all that would help his brother right now, but lucky Castiel didn't want to hear whatever it was his tone suggested he was going to say and as such interrupted his words.

"Don't. I want to be alone. I will be in my room." Castiel stated straightening his shoulders and marching towards the stairs. And Gabriel following him cursed himself. Maybe he should have listened more to Dean, but he had been in so much denial that Castiel couldn't have forgotten that much. He had refused to accept the truth shown to him. And he knew that when Castiel got to his room, it would just be another blow.

* * *

Castiel marched up the stairs, he could hear his brother following him but he didn't turn to look. He just wanted to escape. Hide from this world, hide from it all and pretend it was all a dream. Make it so it wasn't real. Throw himself down on his bed and hide under the covers until the world righted itself once more. But when he got to the room that had always been his and flung open the door instead of being confronted with the familiar room, with the familiar pictures on the walls and the familiar bed in the middle, he was confronted with an office.

"That's not your room anymore Castiel. Your room is at the end of the corridor." Gabriel said behind him still cursing himself in his mind for his own stupidity. He should have known that Castiel would want this room. Dean knew, his mother would have known. But he was Gabriel, and he didn't listen.

"You expect me to sleep in mother's room?" Castiel asked turned to him with horror in his eyes at Gabriel's words. How could he sleep in the room that was hers? Though he guessed if he walked in there he would not see the room as he knew it. And he couldn't do that. He couldn't take that. No he… he just couldn't.

"You can have mine if you like." Gabriel suggested, not that that would give his brother much comfort, it was certainly different from the one he had when lived here after all.

"No. just no. this can't be real, this can't be true. No I won't let it. I can't, I won't, no. Gabriel, no." Castiel uttered, falling to his knees as the tears started to pour down his face as everything overwhelmed him. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be true. No he would not accept it. At that he started to bang his head against the door frame in the hopes that the pain would make the truth, the real world as he knew it return. But when all it did was cause him more pain he found himself screaming out at the unfairness of it all. Pulling at his hair and dragging his fingers down his face, though when he went to dig his nails in to his skin, in the hopes that would change the world he was now in, he found his hands beginning forcibly removed and held tight as his brother pulled him against his chest.

And then, at that point when he was wrapped in one of Gabriel's arms as his other hand held his wrists he breathed in and finally he found it. A smell he remembered. It was a smell that brought memories of waking from nightmares to find his brother holding him and rocking him, it was the smell he remembered when he graduated top of his class and his brother had hugged him to show him how proud he was. It was the smell he had, in a smaller way than with the smell of this house and mother, come to associate with home. At that realisation he let himself collapse against Gabriel, the only thing he knew, and let the tears and pain at all that had changed, out onto the broad shoulders of his older brother. The brother who had always been there for him, always made him smile and laugh. The only reality he now had in his life.

Gabriel held Castiel, both falling to the upstairs hallway floor, until he cried himself to exhaustion. At that point he led him to the room Castiel had once shared with Dean and put him into bed without complaint. He then went down the stairs and got the medicine the doctors had prescribed to help sedate his brother. Knock him out and give him the peace he needed. Returning with the pills he gave them to Castiel with a glass of water and then tucked him in just as there mother used to do to the both of them, kissing his forehead and whispering sweet dreams before he left the room and shut the door. Once closed he found himself collapsing to the floor once more with tears of his own running down his face. He couldn't do this. He couldn't watch that happen again. He had no idea how to help his brother, and that thought alone terrified him more than he ever thought anything ever could. What was he to do now? What were they to do now?


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely review, I love that song too. I also want to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel woke to a night darkened room, which was strange considering he had arrived back at this house, he refused to call it his home, in the early afternoon. The drugs his brother had given him must have been strong, in fact he was pretty sure they were still having a residual effect on him now. He felt much calmer than he did. Blinking into the darkness shapes around him started to come in to focus and leaning over to the side he saw a glass on the table as well as a lamp. He ignored the latter, he did not want light to flood over his senses and make him see what he did not want to, namely what had happened to his mother's room. So reaching over he grabbed the glass in the hopes of getting some water down the throat he had only just realised was parched. Though whether that was due to the crying he had done or the drugs he had taken he did not know. Not that it mattered, but it did keep his mind from other things.

Taking a sip from the liquid in the glass he spat it right out again. The water was old and stale. He guessed that it must not have been Gabriel who had put it there, which meant that this glass was probably Dean's, no. he would not think of him. At that Castiel lay back in the large double bed and stared up at the ceiling. This was his marriage bed. The bed he had shared with Dean, abstractly he wondered how long they had had it, because he knew it wasn't his mother's old one. The mattress seemed reasonably new, though as it was memory foam he wasn't sure he could use that as a guide. He wondered if the mattress had been a sprung one, if he would have found dips in it from the constant sleeping positions of the two people who used to share it. He then wondered which side of the bed was his. Oh he could turn on the light, no doubt looking at the things on the bedside tables would answer that question, but instead he decided to try and work it out. Rolling onto his side he lay there facing the wall, but it did not feel right. As such he moved over to the other side, the side furthest from the door and then rolled over so he was facing it. Yes this was his side. This was the place he would sleep if he was sharing with the one he loved. That way he could fall asleep and wake up looking into their face. Reaching out he ran his hand up and down the empty space next to him, trying to imagine what that would be like. To fall asleep beside someone every night and wake up with them in the morning. He had had a few relationships in the past, but nothing serious, or at least nothing that he could remember. He tried to imagine Dean lying there next to him, smiling as he had the first time he woke, but his mind refused. He had no memory of it, and he had not seen that smile since then. No, now Dean always seemed to have a guarded look in his eyes and on his face. Though how he knew that Castiel had no idea. Maybe it was his subconscious, maybe he remembered something about the man he apparently loved deep inside his mind, all locked away.

With a shake of his head and a sigh at such ridiculous thoughts Castiel sat up. He needed some water. With that in mind he climbed out of bed, taking the empty glass with him, and headed towards the kitchen. As he passed Gabriel's room he noticed the door was partially open, he guessed it was so his brother could hear him if he needed him. Looking in he saw a sight that was as familiar as his own face, actually more so, he still couldn't get used to the creases around his eyes and mouth not to mention his actually styled hair. The sight of Gabriel, asleep with his mouth open and his arms flung over the bed in abandon made him smile. Carrying on on his journey to the kitchen he did not turn on any lights. He had no need for them, he knew this house. As such he automatically stepped over the stair which had always creaked loudly and made his way to the kitchen to fill the glass with clean water. Having done that he turned to return to his room, but he no longer felt tired, and he didn't want to go and lie in that big bed where the thoughts would just go round his head upsetting him again. So instead he made his way into the livingroom.

There was no need for light in that room either. The street lamp which had always shined through his bedroom window, shone through the one downstairs as well. Instead he stood in the centre of the room, sipping his water, and took in the changes that had been made. He had, it seemed, come to terms with that fact that this was no longer his home, and though that caused an ache in his heart, he could accept it. At least he could now, with the calming drugs still going through him and the darkness of the night clouding the obvious differences.

It was the pictures that finally caught his eye and pulled him out of his hazy state. There were three of them lined up together on the mantelpiece. The centre one was of him and Dean, both dressed to the nines, but that wasn't the one that caught his attention. No that was a photo of his mother, in her Sunday best and an outrageous hat on her head, next to her, with their arms wrapped around her shoulders stood him and Dean, once again finely dressed. Moving he exchanged the photo for his glass so he could trace her face with fingers. She seemed so happy, so carefree and relaxed, he had never seen her like that. She looked so… beautiful.

* * *

Gabriel had woken to a strange tingling sensation almost as if someone was watching him. He didn't think much of it, he was so exhausted and he had only just managed to get his mind to turn off enough to get to sleep. But then he heard a sight creak on the stairs and he was wide awake, because either Castiel was up, or they had an intruder. He wasn't sure which he hoped for, because as much as he loved his brother he wasn't sure he could go through what had happened earlier again. Not yet. He needed time to recover, come up with a way to deal first. But either way he needed to get up and see. With that thought he pulled himself out of bed and made his way down the stairs only to see a silhouette standing in the livingroom. He was about to turn on the lights until he recognised who it was. If Cassie had wanted light he would have got some. So instead he stood in the shadows of the doorway and watched his brother walk over to the mantel with a glass in his hand and pick up a picture. And even though he couldn't see it from where he was, Gabriel knew exactly who was in it. He knew every photo on that mantel, he had seen them so many times before. Moving into the room he came to stand behind his brother and saw him trace their mothers face with a gentle finger and Gabriel's heart ached once more, though this time more for the loss of the woman in the photo than for what his brother was going through. She had been his mother too after all.

"That was the happiest day of her life, you know?" He said from his position behind Castiel. He had expected his brother to jump at the sound of his voice but he did not. Maybe he hadn't been as stealthy as he had thought he had been.

"What day was it?" Castiel asked into the dark. He had not heard his brother, but he had known, somewhere inside of him that he was not alone in the room, not anymore.

"Your wedding day Cassie. Yours and Dean's." Gabriel replied gently, hoping that that fact alone wouldn't set Castiel off.

"And she was happy?" Castiel asked with a frown. Of course he had always hoped that when he married his mother would like his chosen partner, but she had never been keen on any of his other boyfriends. It was one of the reasons they never seemed to last if he was being honest.

"Oh yeah. She loved Dean, liked to say he was her third son, and Sam, his brother, her fourth."

At that Gabriel pointed to the third photo on the mantel which Castiel himself had not paid much attention to. Looking at it now he saw that it was of four men, all laughing together. Gabriel and him on one side, and Dean and the tall man from the hospital on the other, all of them had their arms round each other. They looked so carefree and happy, he wished he could remember such a joyous day. He really, really did. It was the first time he truly let himself miss what he did not remember.

"Why did she love him?" Castiel asked turning back to the photo in his hand and once more taking in his mother's smile as she stood between the two men. And at that second look he saw the pride she had in her eyes.

"Because he loves you. She knew that he would never do anything to hurt you Castiel, and she knew that he was the only person she could ever let take her place." Gabriel replied with complete honesty. He had always found it strange how Dean-o got on with their mom, she had never been the easiest after all, especially when it came to Cassie. But the two had got on from the first time they met and the only reason Gabriel could think of was the fact that Dean loved Cassie as much as she did.

"No one could do that." Castiel responded absolutely. No one, no matter how much he loved them, could ever take the place of his mother. A parent's role was sacred, he hoped Dean did not think he had done that.

"I know, but she always thought of Dean as her successor when it came to making sure you were happy." Gabriel replied with a smile at Castiel's words. He knew that Dean would also refuse that he could take their moms place in Castiel's life.

"I don't know him, Gabriel." Castiel finally whispered into the night as he returned the picture to the mantel, though he averted his eyes from the one of him and Dean. They both looked so happy, so at peace, as if nothing could ever ruin their happily ever after. But something had.

"True. But maybe you can give him a chance, if mom thought he was he was good enough, don't you think he deserves that?" Gabriel asked holding his breath and hoping against hope he wasn't pushing too hard. Castiel needed Dean, hell he needed Dean right now. They couldn't go on like this forever.

That sentence was followed by silence as against his own wishes Castiel found himself studying the photo of him and Dean. He wasn't looking at the Castiel in it, but at Dean. And that was when he realised, the smile on the man's face in the picture, taken on their apparent wedding day, was the same smile as Dean had given him when he had woken from his coma.

"For her?" Gabriel suggested when Castiel said nothing more just looked at the pictures.

"I'll consider it." Castiel answered trying to put together all his brain had learnt and trying to find emotions that went with it. Any emotions. But now was not the time. He needed sleep, maybe his dreams could work out what he waking mind could not.

Gabriel knew that that response was all he could hope for. But it was enough, if Cassie would give Dean a chance, then Gabriel knew there would be light at the end of this long dark tunnel. Because he knew he wouldn't be alone in helping Castiel through all that was to come. With Dean at their side, they just might all come out of this, not unscathed, there was no hope of that, but together they might just survive.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello my dears I would like to thank linusfan13, Tie-Dyed Broadway and rainystv for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So this chapter kinda snuck up on me, but I hope you like it. The bits in italics are a memory and from this point on there will be a lot more in this story as Cas starts to learn what he's forgotten and they all try to move forwards.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

It was the middle of the night and Dean sat on his brother's couch nursing a glass of whiskey while he wished his brain would shut down. He should be asleep, he was going to see Cas in tomorrow, but he couldn't do it. Cas was right now at their house, no doubt in their bed, alone, just the way he had wanted it. He didn't want Dean around him, and didn't want him there when he returned to their home. But no, he can't think of that stuff, it wouldn't help anyone if he started to dwell on his fears and upsets.

So other thoughts, other questions, one less painful to think upon. What did this Cas think of the home they had built together? It was as much a part of him as it was Cas' after all. He hoped he liked it. In a way Dean was glad now, sitting alone in the dark, that Gabriel had not allowed him to take down the pictures or change his home too much. Cas needed to see it as it was now, he needed to know what they had been to each other if he was going to even start to think about giving Dean another chance to be with him. He needed Cas to see what he was missing, what he had forgotten, get him to understand at least some of what Dean was going through. And that thought returned him to those he was trying not to think on.

Just remembering that Cas didn't want him around caused him more pain than he really knew how to deal with. As such he had been doing what he had always done with emotional pain before he had met Cas and found someone who he could talk to and who would listen. he was burying it all inside himself, hiding it under layers of looking after everyone else, and glasses of whiskey, though the latter he had been trying to keep to a minimum. He knew Cas didn't like it when he drank too much after all. But still in the dark of the night he couldn't hide from that pain any more, nor could he refuse to give space to the idea that maybe things won't work this time. Maybe Cas wouldn't want him now, it was so different from the way they had met after all. It was all so very different now.

* * *

 _Five years ago…_

 _Dean stood outside the apartment block looking up at the windows with a duffle bag over his shoulder. He couldn't quite believe that he was moving in here, I mean this place was pretty shit hot for New York, and certainly out of his price range. But the guy he had met in the bar promised him a low rent as long as he looked out for his little brother, and Dean could do that. I mean that was why he moved from Kansas to this city, to look out for his little brother. So adding another one on to that wouldn't worry him. Even if this Castiel was actually the same age as him, Gabriel had told him he had had a sheltered upbringing. And hey it would be kinda cool to have someone other than Sammy to hang out with on occasion. With these pleasant thoughts in mind he moved and rang the buzzer which had the name Novak beside it._

* * *

 _Castiel was not happy. He had been in New York for nine months and everything had been going well, or at least it had right up until two days ago when Gabriel had turned round and told him he was moving out of their shared apartment to move in with his latest girlfriend. Castiel couldn't believe his brother would be so thoughtless. I mean how was he to pay the rent on their apartment alone? Of course it was then that Gabriel suggested he get a flatmate. But how could Castiel do that? I mean, you can't tell a thing about a person on first meeting and he really did not want a stranger in his home. They could be a murderer. He had said this to Gabriel and his brother had just smiled and told him to chill. He would sort it all. Castiel had thought that that would mean that Gabriel would maybe get his girlfriend to move in with them, it would be better than any other alternative, but no. What did his brother go and do instead? He went out to a bar and offered the room to the first man he met. A complete stranger and all because he had liked the way the guy. What did that say about anything? No, when this Dean arrived Castiel was just going to have to tell him no, he could not live here, no matter what Gabriel had said. Resolutely straightening another cushion on the couch he heard the buzzer go. It was time to put his foot down._

* * *

 _Dean was anxious while he waited for Castiel to answer the door. I mean it was kinda strange moving in with someone he didn't know, nor had he met. But hey, it was New York. These things happened right? He had been surprised by the deep sounding voice that answered the intercom and buzzed him up, it was a voice very different from Gabriel's after all. But what the hell right? At that thought he made sure an easy smile was on his face as he heard a bolt being slid open. Time to get this show on the road, he had a whole speech prepared and everything. But what he had not been prepared for was the sight that greeted him rendering him temporally speechless. Because the man who had opened the door had the most gorgeous blue eyes he had ever seen, and they were set perfectly in the most beautiful face he had ever seen on a man. Oh this wasn't the first time he had found his own sex aesthetically pleasing, but it was the first time he had ever actually considered acting on his desire. This man was enough to make anyone consider batting for the other side and Dean was gonna get to see him in just a bath towel as he walked round there apartment still wet from the shower. Oh yes, this was definitely the place for him._

 _Castiel as well it seemed had lost the ability to use his voice. He had also had a speech prepared for this Dean fellow, but it seemed his brother had conveniently forgotten to mention one thing about him. That Dean was the sexiest man he had ever laid eyes on. The easy smile on his lips which was echoed in his sparking green eyes, the spiky blond hair and the muscular body encased in a leather jacket which had the collar turned up was the most stunning of pictures. It should have looked stupid, like he was trying too hard to be cool, but Dean could pull it off. In fact Castiel was very sure that this man could pull off any look he chose._

 _"Hey, Castiel, right?" Dean said holding out his hand when the other man just stood there staring at him. Dean briefly wondered if he liked what he saw, cos if so, well then they were sure to have an awesome time getting to 'know' each other._

 _"Yes. Hello Dean." Castiel recovered briefly looking down at the outstretched hand before the manners his mother had drummed into him came to the fore and he shook it. He could not live with this man. For starters there was no way he was gay, and it would be very wrong, and no doubt upsetting, to spend his time in his home, where he should be relaxing but instead wishing he could run his hands over Dean's body. No that would definitely not do._

 _"So you gonna let me in Cas?" Dean asked staring into those deep blue eyes wondering how long he should wait before he made his move. Would tonight be too soon?_

 _"Cas?" Castiel asked tilting his head to the side as he wondered at the abbreviation to his name. No one had ever called him that before._

 _"Easier to say than Castiel, and I get the idea you don't really like Cassie so…" Dean replied trying to look past the guy at the apartment he would soon be calling home._

 _"I do not." Castiel agreed steeping to the side. He had made Dean wait at the door to long for him now to be able to deliver his speech there. He would have to let the man in, but that did not mean he was going to let him stay._

 _"So which is my room?" Dean asked walking into the hallway and seeing the different doors that led off of it. He wanted to unpack his merge stuff and get settled, before he turned his attention to finding out more about the man he was bunking with._

 _"Neither of them. I am sorry but my brother was rather cavalier when he offered you his room here." Castiel stated, trying to sound sure but even to him he heard the waver in his voice. He wasn't sure if it was because he had never been the assertive type, expect with Gabriel, or if it was because of the gorgeous man in front of him that he was kicking out of his apartment. He would much prefer to be settling down with a glass of wine and getting to know Dean, before sharing a kiss, and maybe so much more, no. he had to stop that. Dean was not for him. He was straight, and even if he wasn't he was way out of Castiel's league. He was a player of that Castiel was sure, he would only break his heart, and that he did not need._

 _"You found someone else to pay the rent then?" Dean asked raising his eyebrows at the guy. He was kinda pissed to have missed this, he would never find something else in this area with a rent he could actually afford._

 _"Well no-" Castiel began no longer looking at Dean. He could do this._

 _"So why can't it be me?" Dean asked dropping his bag to the floor making Castiel turn back to him at the noise, running his eyes up his body as he did so._

 _"I do not believe you and I will suit, as roommates." Castiel stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world._

 _"And how would you know that Cas? We barely know each other." Dean argued, he really wanted this place, and well, Gabriel had said that his brother might take a little persuading. It also did not escape Dean's notice that Castiel felt the need to clarify the roommate's factor, so interested then. Good._

 _"You met my brother in a bar and he offered you the room." Castiel replied with disbelief. Gabriel hadn't known Dean and yet he had agreed for him to live with his brother. This was just one of the many reckless decisions Gabriel had made in his life._

 _"After spending an hour grilling me about everything in my life." Dean responded simply making Castiel's eyes widen. Gabriel had grilled him about his life? Why?_

 _"Still, I'm afraid as its only a verbal agreement-" he started to say, no matter that maybe Gabriel had done a reasonable job of interviewing Dean. He did not want him here, where he could see him every day, watch him and yet never getting to touch the man, it would be impossible._

 _"But it's not. I signed the contract this morning, here." Dean replied pulling a bunch of papers from his pocket and handing them over. Gabriel had insisted that he sign them before seeing the place, he had wondered if there was something wrong with it, but now he knew what that was. Seemed Cas did not want anyone living with him. Well tough Dean was here to stay._

 _"It looks like Gabriel has given me no choice then." Castiel finally responded having read through the paper work, it was all in order. There was no way Castiel could get out of this now._

 _"Yeah looks like. Sorry to be such an inconvenience, but I think, once you get to know me, we'll get on very well." Dean replied in a gentler tone smiling his most charming smile at the attractive blue eyed man who he would now be sharing a home with._

 _With that they stood there staring at each other. Dean could read the animosity in Castiel eyes but he knew that was more for Gabriel heavy-handedness than for him. No, for him he could feel the tension in the air, and he read it like it was an open book. It was his life blood after all, sexual tension and the end result it always pertained to. So yeah, sure Cas was acting like he wasn't interested, but to Dean that just added an extra excitement to the fun. The chase was the best part after all. And chasing Cas was gonna be so much fun._

* * *

It was so very, very different now to that time five years ago. The chemistry which had been there then seemed to be lacking somehow this time round even if the animosity was very much in evidence. He just hoped he could find a way to break it as he had before. He needed to find a way to get to Cas this time round and every would be fine. The question was, could he still do it? Because he was no longer the cocky son of a bitch that had swanned into that apartment and decided to make Cas one of his conquests, because now he knew just what he could have with him if he gave him a chance. There was so much more to lose.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank** **Tie-Dyed Broadway and Zelphy-SPN for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured this story since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel sat in the livingroom carefully making sure he did stare at anything in particular as he waited for Dean to arrive. He was coming round this morning, and Castiel had agreed to give Dean a chance, though what he was supposed to talk about to the man he had no idea. I mean he had been married to a Castiel who no longer existed and he refused to pretend to be that man, even if he did objective see what that Castiel had been in his husband. Dean was rather attractive after all, with his green eyes and symmetric features, but if Castiel was to be interested in him that way he would want him to smile more. Of course he knew if he was to say this out loud everyone would argue that the only reason Dean did not smile now was because of him. He did not want to be a reason for someone not to smile. That was wrong, surely. How could he cause the pain that academically he knew he was when he didn't remember anything? It was too much for his brain to comprehend. Maybe if he had some references he would understand, but he did not. With that thought his eyes unconsciously travelled to the pictures on the mantel where Dean was smiling enough to make his face split, but that was just one day, of Dean and the other Castiel's wedding day, no doubt he was happy then. But that wasn't a normal day, a normal smile. Not something Castiel could try to understand that missing, something he could try to see if he could get back onto the man's face. Not that he was planning on jumping into bed with Dean, but the other Castiel had obviously loved him for some reason. And Castiel wanted to know why. Wanted to know what it was about this man that his mother had liked. What it was he had once loved. But looking around this room nothing could give him those answers, and he doubted if he asked Dean if he could any more than the pictures on display. The simple fact they were on display told him they were special in some way, and as such not a true representation of who the other Castiel and Dean had been.

He sighed and checked the clock once more. Dean was not meant to be here for another half an hour and Gabriel had gone to his new office to sort an issues with some client. Castiel really didn't have much idea, but then he also didn't really care. Gabriel's career was nothing to him after all and he was an adult, he could entertain himself for half an hour, right? with that he once again looked round the room, trying not to focus on anything in particular, he did not want to have a break down as he had the previous day. He could do this. He could cope with the changes about him. He could survive on his own. But during his sweep his eyes picked up on something he had not noticed before, and it was something that sent him to his feet, walking towards the bookcase in the corner of the room and onto his knees in front of it. For what he had seen, on the bottom shelf, was a row of photo albums. Maybe these would show a more accurate picture of who Dean and the other Castiel was. A more real depiction of their life. As such he pulled out the one that was furthest to the left and settled himself down to start looking through it. To see what he could find out about his supposed husband and the man he had apparently once been.

* * *

Dean walked up to his own front door with a nervousness he wasn't sure he had ever felt before. I mean, him and Cas had been thrown together the last time, they had had no choice but spend time in each other's company. But this was different. This was him turning up at a house he called home to see a man he called husband, but not. He wasn't here to see his husband Cas, he was here to see Castiel, to show him what they had had, or maybe it was what they could have together now. He really didn't know how to act. I mean, would Castiel even look at him all the time he was visiting? Oh god, visiting, that was a joke. This was his home too. This was his life, how the hell was he going to handle this? But that didn't matter, because he had no choice, handle it he would. That was his job now, to be the strong one for the both of them.

Arriving at the door he wondered if he should ring the bell of use his key. Well that wasn't strictly true, he knew he should ring the bell. But a part of him, the part that insisted that he still called this house his home, refused to let him do that. As such he found himself opening the door as quietly as he could with the key on his chain. He could always retreat and ring the bell if he found he had done the wrong thing, right?

Walking into the hallway Dean found peace at the smell of the place, it was still smelt the same, it was still the same home he would come home to every evening after work. It was strange how much that settled him. As if he had thought, just because Castiel had lost his memories of them, the house would somehow be changed. But it wasn't. And that calmed his nerves as nothing else could. Closing the door quietly behind him he could hear Gabriel's voice from upstairs and he guessed he was working, not everyone could take the time off he had, mainly because he owned the garage he worked at and as such had called in his staff to cover for him. Luckily he had a very loyal staff who would happily work whatever he needed so that he could help Cas. They all loved him too after all. He was the one that organised there Christmas presents and insisted on sending care packages when they were ill. And if they were alone it was Cas that invited them around for dinner. That was just Cas' way. he loved helping people.

Shaking that thought from his head he moved quietly to the partially open door of the sitting room. It was there he found Cas, no Castiel, sitting engrossed in one of their many photo albums. Dean remembered how he had always be snarky at Cas' need to record everything with a photo, and how he had jokingly told his husband that if he wasn't careful he would be living his life through a lens. But now, seeing Castiel looking through the first of the many albums Cas had insisted on keeping Dean was grateful. Was there such a thing as providence? Was Cas' insistence at keeping photographic evidence of every little thing because somehow, he knew deep down that this day would come to pass? Whatever the reason Dean was so very grateful for it right then. He could show Castiel their love, he could prove its existence, and maybe he would be able to get him to see it in the reality they now lived. With that thought Dean walked into the room and looked over Castiel's shoulder to see what picture he was looking at. It was one that caused a smile appear on his face at the memory.

"That was my birthday, just after we had got together." He said without thinking, a gentle smile on his face as the memories the picture of him and Cas, arm in arm and party hats askew, brought to the fore of his mind.

Castiel had been so engrossed in looking at the pictures which all contained the other Castiel he had not heard anyone enter. When heard Dean's voice he jumped. It was strange, he had not heard it properly, or more precisely not listened to it, since that night Gabriel had told him his mother was dead, and yet he could still recognise it as that belonging to the man who was in all the pictures he had seen. Cas' husband. He guessed he should be angry that the man had just walked right in, but should he really? I mean this was more his house than it was Castiel's anymore. But right now he didn't care about that. That was too hard to think off, came with too much pain. No, the only thing he could think was that the smiling green eyed man in the pictures he was looking at was now behind him. And for all Castiel wasn't ready to admit any relationship to him, he did not know Dean after all, he knew that this man was the only one who could tell him of Cas. Of the dark haired, blue eyed man in all these pictures. It was almost as if he had a twin whom had had a life he had no knowledge of and yet suddenly died. Yes, that was how to deal with this. Think of 'Cas' as a twin. A life he wished to know about but had no relation to him.

"I don't know you Dean. But I would like to know of your relationship with Cas. Would you tell me?" Castiel asked turning his head up so he could met the green eyes of the man who knew the other him better than anyone.

"Sure Castiel. I'll tell you whatever you like." Dean replied with a small smile at hearing the man he loved address him directly for the first time in what seemed like forever. With that Dean sat himself down next to Castiel and turned to the front of the album.

"let's start at the beginning shall we?" He asked smiling gently. But Castiel looking at his face could see the shadow of the smile on the mantel piece on his face, and for the first time since all this had happened he started to see just what Cas had seen in this man. Just a touch of it, but it was enough to know that if he let himself he could still walk the path the other him had. The question was, did he want to? Did he want to be with a man who loved another? Even if that other was just another version of himself? No, too much to think right now. First, find out the story, listen to the tale he wanted to hear from Deans lips. Then he would think about what would happen next. Find out his twins story, that was all he wanted right now, it was all he could deal with right now.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello my dears, I would like to thank linusfan13 and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

 _'Fill the cup_

 _Water always does the trick_

 _Seal the lid and let you cry with it_

 _You grow up_

 _I wrestle with it every day_

 _Got to cherish every little frame.'_

 _Honey Bee - by Louden Swain_

* * *

At the beginning of the photo album, a photo sat on its own. It was one Castiel had paid little attention too. The Cas and Dean in it hadn't seemed as happy as they were in later ones, so he had ignored it. But now he wondered. As such he listened intently as Dean told him the story of how he and Cas had met when he moved into the New York apartment. It was strange to hear about, because as Dean described the apartment, he could see it as clear as day. After all, to him it was only last week that he lived there, though with Gabriel rather than Dean.

"...this was taken about two weeks after I moved in, just before we-" Dean said pointing at the picture, but before he could say any more Castiel interrupted him.

"You and Cas you mean." Castiel said. He wanted to make sure that Dean understood that in his mind they were two people now. Dean's husband, Cas, who was sadly dead, and him, Castiel, who wanted to know about Cas' life with Dean, but nothing more. There was no emotional connection in his mind to these stories.

"Yeah, me and Cas got together." Dean replied with a small smile for Castiel. Sad that the man at his side no longer thought of them as a we. But that didn't matter, Dean would get him back. With that thought he got back to the tale. Time to tell Cas had they had gotten together, that time round.

* * *

 _Five years ago..._

 _It had been three weeks. Three weeks since Dean had moved into Gabriel's old room and Castiel was at the point where he was ready to commit murder. It seemed to him that everywhere he turned there was Dean, smiling at him and oozing charm, not to mention when he walked round the apartment without a shirt on. Castiel had taken to having lots of cold showers. But this, this was the end in his mind. Because he had learnt he could put up with his mind conjuring images of Dean's body at night, and the closeness between their bodies as they sat on the couch, because despite his initial resistance, Dean had been right. They did indeed get on very well. They had, over the time, become friends. And while yes, it was obvious Dean was in fact straight, he was forever commenting on the women on the TV, he did not seem concerned over the fact that Castiel was not._

 _But all that had changed now, because last night Dean had gone out without Castiel and returned in the early hours of the morning, but he had not returned home alone. He had brought back a female 'guest'. A very loud one whom Castiel did not want to hear yell Dean's name in pleasure thank you very much. And so that brought him to now, where he was pacing the livingroom waiting for the two of them to get up and for Dean to let her go. Because he and his roommate needed to talk._

 _Dean on the other hand was lying in bed with his eyes extremely wide. He couldn't believe he had been so friggin' stupid as to pull the previous night. Especially not when he felt that he was finally getting somewhere with Cas. Okay sure he had never actually tried this hard to get into a person's pants before, but that was cos the more he got to know Cas, the more he realised he wanted so much more than a quickie. And it seemed that trying to get someone to date you was a lot slower than trying to get laid. Of course that was all out the window now._

 _With that thought he slammed his head against the pillow in frustration causing a groggy moan to come from the woman next to him, freezing him in position. He did not want her to wake. Hell he wished he could just sneak off and never see her again, but he had brought her back here. Of course he had, because he was a freakin' idiot. The stupidest thing about all of this was that when he was with her, kissing her, screwing her, all he could think about was Cas. It was imagining Cas that had brought him to organism, not the body beneath him. And now he was never gonna get the chance to ever be with Cas. All because he got drunk and made the biggest mistake of his life._

 _Castiel finally heard noises coming from Dean's room, and soon after that the door cracked open to reveal a dark-haired woman, wearing a skirt, which in Castiel's mind was more of a belt, and a top which really did leave nothing to the imagination. He expected Dean to follow her out, be all disgustingly lovey, but instead he watched her as she closed the bedroom door and walked quietly towards the door and exited the apartment. Well at least that was one less thing he was going to have to watch. Dean being all soppy over someone else, someone who wasn't him. Damn it. He knew Dean didn't like him, and there was nothing wrong with Dean bringing people back here, but that rational reasoning did not stop the hurt and anger souring up in him, forcing his feet to march to Dean's room and slam open the door._

 _"What the hell Cas?" Dean shouted sitting up sharply at the sound and wincing at the pain which was now pounding through his head from the copious amount of alcohol he had consumed the previous evening._

 _"Dean, I would prefer it if you did not bring you nightly conquests back to our apartment." Castiel stated crossing his arms and glaring at the man in bed, refusing to acknowledge that fact he was not wearing a top, in fact, if Castiel was a betting man, he reckoned Dean was probably wearing nothing more than the sheet which covered the most interesting parts. Not that he cared._

 _"Why? Jealous cos I'm getting some?" Dean demanded, he was not in the best moods, and he did not want to have to deal with a grumpy Cas right now. He felt guilty enough about his action as it was._

 _At that Castiel turned, starting to walk out of the door. But when Dean continued to speak his words froze him to the spot. He couldn't move, because… no._

 _"Or is it cos you want me for yourself?" Dean sneered without any real thought. But once the words were spoken and he saw how they stopped Cas in his tracks he lowered his head into his hands. Son of a bitch. If he was trying to get Cas to like him, that certainly wasn't the way to go about doing it, damn it._

 _With that Dean decided to move. After all he couldn't really make things any worse could he? At that he climbed out of bed, not bothering to put any clothes on his naked form, you never know, it might just work in his favour, and he would use any and all advantages he had right then._

 _He walked up so he was standing behind Cas but not touching him, taking a deep breath he leaned over to speak into his ear._

 _"Cos if that's the case Cas, then here I am. Take what you want from me." He murmured in a low voice, holding his breath and hoping he hadn't just made it ten times worse._

 _At the words Castiel growled before spinning round and pushing Dean against the wall, holding him there with his hands on his shoulders._

 _"I do not believe in promiscuity Dean. I will not be having a one night stand with you just to satisfy whatever curiosity is in your mind." He spat at him. He was not going to be Dean's play thing, a way to entertain himself as he played with the idea of being gay for a day._

 _"I don't want a one-night stand Cas. Not with you. And it ain't just curiosity, I've never felt this way about anyone before. You're special, but I knew that from the moment I saw you." Dean replied with such an earnest expression on his face, staring into Cas' eyes, begging him to believe that he spoke the truth. But Castiel couldn't believe it. It was too much to hope for it to be true._

 _"Really?" he asked derisively. No, Dean could not feel that way for him. He had never shown any interest in men before, so just… no._

 _"Yeah. You're the only guy I've ever actually wanted to kiss." Dean replied with a smile as he raised his hands so he could cup Cas' face. At the feel of Dean's fingers against his skin Castiel's eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat. They were soft and gentle… and loving. Could it be that Dean was telling the truth?_

 _It was at that point that Castiel realised that Dean wasn't the only one touching the others skin. He had his hands on Dean's bare shoulders. Bare shoulders which were connected to the naked torso and the rest of a very naked Dean. Finding himself completely distracted by the naked body in front of him Castiel ran his hands slowly down Dean's chest, smirking when his fingers skimmed over his skin and caused a shiver of desire to course through the other man. When his hands reach Dean's hips Castiel wrapped his fingers around the bones before bringing his eyes back up to Dean's and leaning towards him._

 _"Like this you mean?" He whispered, his voice even lower in tone than normal, as he closed the distance between them and placed his lips upon Dean's as he had been dreaming of doing since the moment he had first seen the man. The kiss, while it started as soft and sweet, a gentle exploration of each other, it soon turned into something of searing passion and overwhelming desire as all the feelings they had both supressed for the last three weeks came roaring to the surface._

 _When Castiel finally pulled back he was pleased to see that Dean was having to use the wall behind him to keep himself upright, and it seemed that he was gasping for breath, not that Castiel was unaffected at all. He was just as breathless as Dean._

 _"Yeah, definitely like that." Dean finally whispered back before pulling himself away from the wall and wrapping his arms around Cas who pulled his naked body close once more, before their lips joined together again, and while they kissed they moved as one towards the bed._

* * *

"So that is how you and Cas got together?" Castiel asked with raised eyebrows as Dean recounted the tale with a smile on his lips as he remembered the fun the two of them had the rest of that day.

"Yeah, well… we were young." Dean replied with a shrug, the smile on his face changing to a forced one as the question hit him. He had thought that recounting stories of their past to Cas would be fine. Help them find a connection together. But while he remembered the man who had pushed him against that wall, he wasn't here anymore, and that hurt. So god damn much. Because **he** was the one he loved. And he wasn't here, because if he was then Dean wouldn't have to tell the story at all. If the man next to him was really his Cas, he would know all this already. What other stories was he gonna have to tell to sate Castiel's curiosity? Because looking at Castiel next to him he realised that was what it was. There was no flicker in his eyes of the desire Dean knew had held before, he wanted to know about them sure, but he didn't have the feelings, the emotions to go with the stories. And he never would. Was there really much point recounting it all? For causing himself this pain? Oh god, what was he going to do now? Because it was only now, sitting on their livingroom floor that it really hit him. This was not his Cas. It looked like him, sounded like him, but it wasn't him, not inside, not any more. And even if they did fall in love again, got married again, became happy together again, he would never be that Cas. He would never be Dean's Cas again, he was gone. And finally, at that point he realised just what Gabriel had been trying to say the other day.

 _"Just make sure you remember that he isn't the same Castiel. You need to learn to love him too."_

Could he do that? Could he learn to love the new him as much as he had loved the old one?


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank Tie-Dyed Broadway, linusfan13 and Khoshekh42 for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Gabriel finished up the work he was doing for his client and checked the time on his computer. And in doing so his eyebrows rose into his hair. Dean-o should have been here a good half an hour ago, and yet he hadn't heard the door go. Did that mean Cassie had actually answered it and let his husband in? Cos if so that was a major step forwards for the guy who just last night wasn't sure if he could even look at Dean, let alone speak to him. As such Gabriel got up out of his chair and moved to the door. Time to see what was going on downstairs.

He moved quietly, not wanted to disturb his brother, and when he got to the bottom of the stairs he heard muffled voices coming from the living room. One was definitely Castiel's, and the other he was sure was Dean's. So he had come then, and Cassie was giving him a chance. With a smile plastered on his face Gabriel moved to the door, pushing it open a crack to see if he should join them or leave them be. What he saw make his smile go from beaming to soft. Because there sitting on the floor, were the blonde head of Dean right next to the dark curls of Castiel. And they were looking at a photo album. That was good, getting them talking, getting Dean telling Castiel the stories he had forgotten was good. With that in mind he gently closed the door once more. He would leave them in peace, and hopefully talking of their first love would kindle a spark in Castiel to make him consider idea of trying it again. Yes, this was going even better than he thought it would. With that he returned to his makeshift office, though this time he had a massive smile on his face as he felt lightened by what he had seen. He wasn't alone in this. Dean was at his side, and together they would help Cassie to become the man they both knew he could and would be. A wonderful man that they both loved unconditionally.

* * *

Dean stood in the middle of his brother's living room, bottle of scotch in one hand and glass in the other. With shaking hands he filled the glass to the brim, and with two swallowed had emptied it. He then repeated the process, again and again. He knew he shouldn't be drinking, hell it was barely midday, but the realisation he had, sitting next to Cas in his own living room was enough to drive anyone to drink in his mind. It was the hardest thing he had ever had to do, stay sitting there besides the man who had his husband's face but not his memories. But he had done it. He had promised Cas he would help him through this, he had promised Gabriel his support, and he didn't go back on his promises, no matter how much they killed him inside. He would just have to learn how to deal with this. How to grieve the loss of his life without effecting those around him. At that thought he let out a bitter laugh. Here he was, suddenly realising he had to grieve for everything he had ever had, and yet he still had to play nice with the pretender who had stolen it from him. No, that wasn't fair. This was no more Cas' fault than it was anyone else's, in fact, if it was anyone's fault it was his own. He was the one who forced for the surgery after all. This was his doing, he was gonna have to man up and deal with the consequences. Cos while sure, his Cas was gone and that broke something inside of him that he hadn't even known was there, and he sure as he'll didn't know how to fix, there was still a Cas in the world that needed him. That was what he wanted right? A Cas alive and well? That was why he went for surgery rather than letting the man he loved die with dignity. So he was gonna have to deal with it all. But not now, no right now he was gonna get wasted. It was the only way he could even think of trying to process all the thoughts in his mind, or was he rather just trying to remove them from it? Either way, right now, alcohol was definitely the answer. With that thought he downed yet another glass of scotch, and then discarding the glass, unsteadily putting it on the coffee table. It was to slow, as such he started drinking the scotch straight out of the bottle as he tried to make his mind go bank, tried to stop it from thinking, or feeling anything. Cos that was one think he was damn sure of, he never wanted to feel again.

* * *

Sam returned from work in the early evening to find his brother passed out on his couch, the empty bottle of scotch on the floor as if it had just fallen from Dean's lax grip. He had no idea what to do. I mean he hadn't seen his brother like this since… well ever actually, not this bad. What had happened that had made Dean drink almost a full bottle of whiskey? Then it hit him. Dean had gone to see Castiel this morning, and something had obviously happened. There was no point trying to wake his brother to get answers, as such he covered him with a blanket and made his way to his room, pulling his phone from his pocket as he did so. There was only one person he could ask, he just hoped he had an answer.

Gabriel was just finishing up his work for the day when his phone rang. He didn't check who it was, no doubt it was another client, but when he heard the voice down the line the carefully put down his pen. If Sam was calling him, then this needed his undivided attention.

"Gabriel, hey." Sam said somewhat guardedly, he really wasn't sure how to get the answers he needed from Castiel's older brother.

"Sam, what's up?" Gabriel asked frowning. Why was Dean not the one on the other end of the phone? Had something happened to his brother-in-law? Oh god, he hoped not, they had enough to deal with as it was right then.

"Um, well, I came home to find Dean passed out on the couch. What happened today?" Sam asked deciding to get straight to the point. They both wanted to help their family after all, and to do that they both needed all the facts.

"What? Nothing, that I know of at least. When I went down he and Cassie were talking happily." Gabriel replied resignation settling into his tone as he felt his happy bubble burst at Sam's words. He should have known it wouldn't be that simple.

"Okay. Well I'm guessing he probably won't be round tomorrow, no doubt he'll feel like shit when he wakes." Sam responded with a sigh running his hands through his hair. It looked like he was gonna have to wait for Dean to wake to find out why he got so drunk. Hmm, he should probably take the day off work tomorrow to deal with this. It seemed Dean needed him, he just wished his brother had said something, asked for help, rather than him coming home to find him comatose.

"Okay, I'll let Cassie know." Gabriel replied in an equally weary tone. They never got a break did they?

"Cheers." Sam replied hanging up the phone and sighing once more before he moved to organise everything for when Dean woke. His brother needed him and he would be there.

* * *

When the line went dead Gabriel slowly lowered his phone. For a few hours, brief shining hours, he had been happy. He had thought that they could all get through this, that things would go back to how they should be. But that one phone call crushed those dreams into dust. He had no idea what had happened to make Dean do what he had, but he knew that in somehow had something to do with Castiel. When it came to Dean it always did. With that realisation lowered his head onto his desk and closed his eyes. He knew he should get up, go ask Castiel what happened, but he couldn't. It was all too much, too much responsibly, too much to fix. He couldn't do it. He didn't even know where to start to try. And there was no one he could turn to talk to about this. No one out there who would understand. Cos this was his family, his reasonability, and whether they succeeded or failed, it would be on him. It was all on him, and that was a weight he didn't think he could carry. But he knew he would, even if it crushed him, he would carry it. That was his job now, his new role in this household. To carry the world, he just wished there was someone else he could give the burden too, someone more suited to the position, someone who could withstand the weight of it all. But it seemed that the only suitable one had crumbled. Dean could not help him now. He was alone, and for the first time in his life, that concept terrified him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13** **for the lovely review. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean woke to a nasty taste in his mouth and the smell of bacon cooking. The definition of bad and good in his mind. Moving gently so that he wouldn't disturb his head, he could feel the pounding wanting to start, but he would prefer to put it off for as long as possible, he stretched out his limbs and discovered he was on the couch. He did all of this without opening his eyes, opening one's eyes when one has drunk far too much the night before was the kiss of death, he knew that from experience. But he really needed a drink, non-alcoholic, and no doubt the strongest painkillers Sammy had in the place. With that thought a groan escaped his lips at the idea. But it had to be done.

Opening his eyes a crack the room came into focus slowly and what he saw on the coffee table in front of him was like a gift from the gods. Cos sitting there was a massive glass of water and two white pills that he just knew would try to take away his pain, physical at any rate. Moving gently so he still didn't have to move his head he picked it all up and took the pills and finished the water, making sure he sipped in gently rather than glugging it back. He knew that was a recipe for seeing it again far too soon. Once the painkillers had been taken and water drank he settled back down on the couch and closed his eyes as he remembered the whole reason he had got so drunk the day before. Of course, it was the end of his world as he knew it. The end of his marriage, and the end of his love. Reasons enough he guessed, but there was still a small part of him that told him he had been selfish. Castiel had pulled him back from that ledge, as such it was up to him to help the man in any way he asked him too. Screw his feelings. His life was his now, wasn't that how the old samurai warrior shit worked? Whatever. He had decided to help Castiel, no matter what, so he needed to learn to suppress his emotional baggage and focus on that. Luckily these depressive thoughts where interrupted by his brothers soft voice.

"Hey, I've made you a bacon sandwich." Sam said as gently as he could. He did not want to annoy his brother's head even more than it already was. And if Dean thought that this was odd, he didn't really concentrate on it. He was far too interested in the idea of bacon.

"Awesome." He mumbled opening his eyes to see his brother with his sympathetic smile on his face. A smile Dean ignored in favour of reaching for the plate, still not raising his head. The longer he could stay prone, the longer the hangover would stay away.

Sam settled himself on the coffee table as he watch his brother devour the sandwich, literally. He had the plate under his chin and it almost looked like he had just inhaled the thing.

Once it was done and Dean handed him back the plate and Sam decided it was time to talk, hell at least it was unlikely that Dean would get up and storm out of the place. No doubt if he tried he would be puking everywhere.

"So want to talk about it?" He asked as gently as he could. He didn't want to aggravate Dean's no doubt painful hangover with loud words.

"No." Dean mumbled in reply, his eyes already closed against the glare of the room.

"Okay. That wasn't really a question you know." Sam replied with a small smile for his brother. He knew he felt terrible but he also needed answers, and when it came to Dean, the more vulnerable he was, the more likely he could get him to talk.

"There's nothing to discuss Sam." Dean responded with a sigh. Though he knew it was pointless, Sam wouldn't give up and go away. Leaving him to the peaceful oblivion of sleep he craved. That just wasn't his brother remit.

"Really? Because I'm pretty sure I used to own an almost full bottle of Glencraig, but don't anymore. I would like to know why." Sam replied talking a little louder. Dean wasn't going for the softly softly approach, time to make demands.

"I just realised the truth. Nothing special." Dean mumbled hoping Sam wouldn't be able to work out his words.

"And what truth would that be?" Sam asked. He was very proficient in Dean mumble after all.

"Let it go Sammy." Dean replied with a sigh and opening his eyes a crack so he could see his brother sitting on the table next to him.

"No Dean. I won't. You could have killed yourself drinking that much, so I won't just let it go." Sam responded with an ardent look on his face. He would not be letting this go any time soon Dean knew from that look.

"He's dead." He sighed out, he didn't have the energy to try and prevaricate anymore. Time they all faced the facts I front of them.

"What? Who?" Sam asked puzzled by that sentence. He hadn't heard of any of their friends or family dying, and surely he would have. Surely Dean would have called if someone close to them had passed away right?

"Cas." Dean replied with a bitter chuckle as if he knew what Sam was thinking. Seriously who else's death would make him like this?

"No he's not." Sam stated simply. He knew that for a fact. He was at Dean's home.

"Yeah Sammy he is. The man I was married to, the man I loved, hell the man I first met. He doesn't exist anymore. It's like he never did. Like I made it all up in a fantasy dream world." Dean replied. Now he had started he couldn't stop. He wanted Sam to understand what he meant, even if he knew there was no chance at that. No one would be able to understand what he was going through, this was a truly unique experience. One he wished had never happened, not that he wanted Castiel dead, more he wished Cas had never got ill.

"Dean, you can get him back." Sam replied in earnest when he understood his brother words. He couldn't invasion a world were Dean and Cas weren't together. They were perfect for each other in every way, their strengths and weaknesses were so complemented together, no they couldn't be over. He would not accept that.

"No I can't Sam. he will never be that guy because Cas was made from the memories we had together, and me and Castiel don't have that. Seems dad was right." Dean responded with passion, trying to get Sam to understand what he was saying. He didn't want to hurt his little brother, but he needed to know he and Cas were done.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked in a breathless voice, though not from the idea of Dean and Cas being finished. He would never believe that until one of them was dead. No his breathlessness was from the words Dean had let slip at the end. That their dad was right. Dean had never told Sam what had happened between him and John when he had taken Cas to meet him, all he knew was that his brother and father no longer spoke, and the pain Dean came back in. As such when his dad had asked him to take sides he had chosen Dean's without thought. Neither of them had spoken to John Winchester since.

"When I told him I was gay. That I was with Cas. He told me that it was evil, what I was doing was evil, that I was evil, that I was going against gods will and that one day I would get what I deserved." Dean responded without thought. The words were still etched into his mind, even if he had come to disbelieve them. But now, after all that had happened, what if his dad was right? What if this was god's punishment for all the bad he had done? After all he had prayed to the big guy and this is how he had answered them, giving Castiel a chance to start anew.

"He's wrong Dean. He's an ass. You deserve to be happy." Sam stated with as much belief as he could put into the words. Dean was the least evil person he knew. He had done everything for him when he was younger, it was Dean who had come to all his performances, Dean who had been at all his assemblies. Dean who had been at all his soccer games. Dean who had supported him, made he try for the top schools, and Dean who had sent him the money he needed when he was a college. Dean had been more of a father to him than John Winchester ever had. There was no way Dean deserved this.

"I was. But it's gone now. I need to accept that. I'll never have that again." Dean replied simply. He was so drained, so rung out with feelings, he just needed to accept the truth and move on. Or at least help Castiel to do so. That was all he had left now, helping Castiel to be all Dean knew he could.

"No Dean, you can. You can be with Cas again." Sam stated, he refused to believe what Dean was saying. Sure it was hard, he had no idea how hard, but surely he could get it back. And sure, maybe it wouldn't be the same, but it would be similar, right? It would be just as good, even if it was different. After all there was no set in stone perfect happiness, right?

"No I can't." Dean stated with a defeated tone. Sam didn't understand, he never would.

"How can you be so sure?" Sam asked. He hoped he sounded challenging but he had a horrible feeling that the scared little boy voice had come out. The idea of Cas and Dean not being Cas and Dean scared the hell out of him, they were his constant, and had been for so long.

"When I first met Cas there was a spark, attention in his eyes even if he didn't want me there. But yesterday, when I went to see Castiel, there was none of that. Just an academic interest in the life of the man who looked like him. The man I loved. He had no interest in me as a person. It's not there, not this time." Dean replied turning gently to look at Sam and pleading him with his eyes to understand what he was saying. He knew that to Sam this was like his parents getting devoiced or something, he and Cas had always been the kids rock after all.

"Then you get it back." Sam demanded. He couldn't, no wouldn't let Dean give up. Him and Cas had so much.

"How? I can't make it appear by waving a magic wand. We're over, finished. My marriage died with Cas." Dean replied with a growl. He did not need this right now. He had only just accepted it himself, he did not need Sam questioning his decision.

"Dean, he's not dead." Sam said with a frown. Why did Dean say such a thing? Cas was alive and well at their home all thanks to him. Why would he say otherwise?

"No, if he was at least I would know I was the only one he ever loved. But now, now he can have anyone he likes, and he doesn't like me. Not like that." Dean replied his voice breaking over the words as he finally put his thoughts into something that was definite.

"But he could." Sam pleaded with him. He couldn't see all his brother loved, all that had made him who he was disappear without Dean even trying to get it back. He couldn't accept that it was over. Because if that was true, Sam had no idea what to do. He had no idea of how to help Dean through this. He was completely lost and he hated it.

"Sam just accept it. I have done. It's over." Dean responded with a tired voice. He was so done.

"Dean-" Sam started to say, trying to think of something he could use to help give Dean hope but his brother interrupted him with his voice of absolute decree. A voice Sam knew it was impossible to argue with.

"No, I don't want to talk anymore. What time is it?"

"Nearly 11, why?" Sam asked accepting Dean's words for now. But while Dean may not want to talk, Sam would find a way to get him and Cas back together. Because that was where they belonged, at each other's side.

"I told Castiel I would be there at 12 today. I had best get up and try to make myself presentable right?" Dean replied moving his hands as if to push himself from the couch even though he knew if he did so he would make the hangover he was feeling so much worse, in fact he was pretty sure he would be seeing all he had eaten and drank that morning return. But he had promised Castiel, so needs must and all that.

"No. I called Gabriel last night. Told him you won't be coming today. Just stay there and rest, I'll get you some more water and maybe some more bacon." Sam responded quickly, putting his hand out to stop Dean rising. He knew it would be best from him to just rest where he was today.

"Okay. And Sam, thanks." Dean replied with a smile finally etching its way onto his face at his brother's thoughtfulness.

"It's what brothers are for right?" Sam responded with a smile of his own before he stood to go back to the kitchen and get the things he had promised.

"Yeah." Dean replied weakly closing his eyes once more. For now he could forget, everything. Time to just relax. Tomorrow was a good a day as any to start his campaign to help Castiel learn all he wished to know. Yeah tomorrow, and you never know, maybe by then he would have built up the defences he was gonna need, though he really didn't think so. But still, he had to have something to hope for, right?


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel was sitting on the couch with the first photo album open in front of him, flicking through the pages slowly, and seeing the multitude of happy pictures of Cas and Dean. He felt strange that he would not truly ever know the man with green eyes looking up at him from every page. He remembered when he had first awoken and how his first thought was the look in them was kind, and nice, and attractive, but that look was for someone he was not. It was for Cas, not Castiel. But at least, with this agreement they had of Dean coming to tell him of his and Cas' relationship he would understand the man a little more. He couldn't wait for the next story, and he was trying to decide which picture he wanted Dean to explain, though in truth he wanted to know about them all. Was that wrong? There were so many, no doubt Dean did not have the time to tell him everything. But he would take what he could.

The sound of the door opening made him raise his head with a smile on his lips as he quickly made his decision, though that smile fell away when he saw it was Gabriel rather than Dean in the doorway.

* * *

Gabriel was cursing himself for this. He should have told his brother last night, or failing that this morning over breakfast. But Castiel had seemed so happy, so at peace, he hadn't wanted to ruin it, hoping that even after Sam's call Dean would still make it to his brother's side the next day. But now it was 12 and Dean was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't coming, as such it would be up to him to break that news to Castiel, try to get him to understand what Dean-o was going through when Gabriel himself didn't even have an inkling of an idea. Damn this was gonna be hard. Making his way to the livingroom he pushed open the door to find that his brother already had the photo album out, ready and waiting for Dean to come and tell him more stories. Oh crap. He should have told him before now. But taking a deep breath he stepped into the room and faced his brother.

"Dean-o ain't coming today Cassie, sorry." He said as gently as he could, as if he was waiting for Castiel to explode at his words.

"Why not?" Castiel asked with a frown and tilting his head in that way he did when he didn't understand. As if seeing it all from a different angle would make it clearer to him.

"I think he's finally realised that you aren't his husband." Gabriel replied moving to sit beside his brother. Offering any comfort he could. Not that he knew what Cassie needed right then.

"No, I'm not." Castiel stated simply. He knew that and while legally he was, surely Dean had seen that that was not the case.

"Well that's something that I reckon is hard to process." Gabriel replied with a sigh upon hearing Castiel's acceptance of the words without any resistance. No wonder Dean-o had got drunk if this was how Cassie behaved around him. If it was him he would have run as far as he could from all the pain that that simple acceptance no doubt caused. But Dean wasn't him, and Gabriel knew, that despite today, Dean-o would be back, at Cassie's side, explaining the pictures and telling his stories as if nothing had ever happened. Even if it killed him to do it. Dean loved Castiel that much, he would do anything he asked without thought of what it did to him.

At that Castiel looked at the picture he had found that he was hoping Dean would tell him the story of, it was of Dean and Cas both looking into each other's eyes with such love and happiness. It made Castiel smile just seeing it, he had wanted that story. But thinking now, he realised he was being selfish. Dean had lost his husband, the man he loved, and yet he couldn't morn him. He had no closure in a funeral or a place to go and talk to his spirit. Castiel had no idea of what that kind of loss felt like. I mean sure, he had lost his mother, but a parent was not the same as a life partner, was it? It was then he realised that just as he wished Dean to help him find out about Cas, he needed to help that man deal with his loss. But how was he to do that? He had no experience at such a thing. And neither had any of his family, unless…

"Gabriel, have you ever lost the love of your life?" Castiel asked moving his eyes from the photograph and to his brother.

"No, I've yet to find her." Gabriel replied surprised by the sudden turn in conversation, though he could connect the dots well enough. Castiel had started to think about how dean felt in all this. That was good, they needed a level playing field. Needed both sides to be thinking of the other, after all he doubted what was to come would be plain sailing in anyone's books.

No help there then, Castiel realised. How could he help Dean? Because he remembered the conversation he had had with the man as he stood on the edge of a cliff, and he didn't want him to go there again. To be that heartbroken again. He needed to find a way to help Dean. It was then the obvious solution came to him. There was one person who could help him help Dean, and he was sure that person would be willing.

"Gabriel, can you do me a favour?" Castiel asked turning to his brother with a fire in his eyes that Gabriel hadn't seen since he had awoken. It was a fire Gabriel would do anything within his power to make remain. It was a fire that was reminiscent of the Cassie he had known just before the surgery.

"Anything." He promised without thought. Anything to keep that Castiel at his side. The true Castiel who had emerged from all his shadows.

"I wish to go to church, can you take me?" Castiel asked tilting his head again, though this time the look on his face suggested he thought that Gabriel would question this wish. But Gabriel had long ago learn to not bother questioning Castiel's belief in god. If he felt going to church would help him then Gabriel would sure as hell take him. Simple as that.

"Sure." He replied standing and moving to the door to grab his jacket and collect his car keys. No time like the present and all that.

* * *

Castiel watched his brother walk away with puzzlement. He said he would take him to church and then left? But a few seconds later that puzzlement was resolved by Gabriel sticking his head back into the livingroom.

"You coming or what?" He asked making Castiel smile. It seemed Gabriel was taking him to church now. Good. The sooner the better. He just hoped the person he wished to find would be there. After all the last time he remembered seeing him was five years ago, and then he had only been the curator of the place. He could have moved on for all he knew. And yet these thoughts didn't stop him getting his coat and following his brother out the door, nor did it get him to ask Gabriel for the answers to his wonderings. The longer he could believe that he would be able to see who he wished, the more conference he had in his plan as a way to help Dean. This had to work. it was all he had for the green eyed man whom he didn't know, yet felt such a need to help, to save.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello my darlings I would like to thank linusfan13 for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel sat in the passenger seat of Gabriel's car and watched the world go by the window trying to ignore that which had changed since last he remembered making this journey, and yet taking great pleasure in seeing something he knew. It was a strange way to make the journey, pretending nothing was different from five years ago even if he knew it was.

But as they pulled up outside the church he was gratified to see that this building at least looked as it always had, it looked as inviting as he remembered, he just hoped he would be able to get the answers he required from inside.

Walking through the door with his brother at his side Castiel took little notice of the architecture or the stained glass windows, he wasn't here for any of that.

"Who you looking for Cassie?" Gabriel asked softly when he noticed how his brother's eyes darted round the church. He just hoped it wasn't someone who was no longer here. Gabriel had no idea why Castiel wanted him to bring him to church, but he hoped it would help his brother work through whatever was on his mind.

"Chuck Shirley, he is curator here, or at least he was the last time I remember being here." Castiel replied not really paying much attention to his words as he carried on trying to find the man he hoped would be able to help him understand some of what Dean was going through, and maybe give him a path to follow so he could help the man.

"He isn't anymore." Gabriel replied stopping suddenly in the aisle as he caught sight of the man Castiel was looking for.

"No?" Castiel asked turning to his brother with a heavy heart. He had so hoped that Chuck would be able to help him. Without help he had no idea what to do.

"No, he's now the priest. It is good to see you Castiel." Came a voice from behind him. Turning Castiel saw the friendly face he remembered from so long ago. A face filled with compassion and understanding, even if there were a few more lines on it, and there was now more grey in the priests hair.

"Chuck." He said with pleasure in his tone as he held out his hand to one of the people he had always felt closest to.

"So what brings you to me? Have to come to offer your services with our charity work? You know your help is always appreciated." Chuck asked shaking his hand and then guiding him to the pew at the front of the church. He had been expecting this visit ever since he had heard of what had transpired, it could not be easy for Castiel to take it all in after all. No doubt he would, now more than ever, need the help and support of god.

"Of course I would, though I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet. No I'm here for guidance." Castiel replied confirming Chuck's suspicions as they both sat so they could talk in relative privacy, Gabriel having moved to the back of the church as he waited for his brother to finish.

"About what?" Chuck asked with a smile. He would help Castiel in any way he could, he was a good man and they were good friends. After all he had even officiated at Cas and Dean's wedding.

"You have heard what has happened correct? That I have no memory of the last five years?" Castiel asked hoping that for once the gossip mill of the town had worked to his advantage so he would not have to retell his story.

"Yes I am aware." Chuck replied but said no more. He needed Castiel to explain why he was here before he would say more.

"Then you will also know I have no memories of Dean." Castiel stated, trying to think of the best way to ask Chuck for his advice on how to help the green-eyed man.

"I do." Chuck responded with a nod. So that was why he was here. About Dean. Yes, he could only imagine how strange the situation was for the both of them.

"I was wondering how I could help him through this mourning period." Castiel said realising that he needed to be direct if he was to obtain that which he needed.

"And what is Dean mourning Castiel?" Chuck asked gently, probing him to speak more. Tell him more.

"Cas. He died in that hospital." Castiel replied simply looking at Chuck with such clear eyes as he said the words the priest eyebrows rose in astonishment. Surely he could not mean what he thought he did, right? This was Cas and Dean after all. They were forever, and everyone knew that.

"No he didn't. He is sitting right next to me." Chuck responded with a completely sincere tone of voice.

"I am not that man, Chuck." Castiel replied with a sigh as he realised that his friend did not understand what he was saying. Though he guessed that if he and Dean had returned to his hometown they would have spent much time with him, no doubt Chuck knew him and Dean well. He had a sudden insight that he would probably have to have this conversation with far too many of the people he knew here. He really didn't want to have to go into his reasoning repeatedly.

"Yes you are. Your soul is his soul. Memories do not make the man Cas, they just help the true self emerge." Chuck said after he had processed exactly what Castiel was saying. He had decided that he wasn't Cas, but he was, and he needed to realise that, or there was no hope for him and Dean in the future. And those two had to have a future, god would not be so cruel as to remove their love from the earth.

"I am not married to Dean." Castiel stated simply. He did not want to have to argue about this but he would. He wasn't the man Dean loved, he wasn't the man he smiled at, or looked at with such devotion as he did the Cas in the photos littered across Cas and Dean's home.

"Tell me, when you see him, do you find yourself attracted to him? Does the sight of him and the sound of his voice make your heart beat just a touch faster?" Chuck asked gently. Though he was sure he knew that answer, the question was, did Castiel?

"What does that matter? I am not the one he loves." Castiel stated refusing to even think of that fact that the feelings Chuck had just described were indeed the ones he felt when Dean was close. Especially now, with him telling him the stories of the man he loved. Because as he spoke of those times Castiel could see the man Cas fell in love with and married, and knew that if he had been in the same position he too would have fallen for Dean without any reserve or hesitation. But he wasn't in that situation, because Dean loved the other man, he loved Cas.

"Yes and no. you are right that you don't have the relationship Dean remembers, but that doesn't stop him from feeling for you just as much as he felt before. You are for better or worse still Dean's husband and he is yours, your soul's bound for eternity." Chuck tried to explain, hoping he could get Castiel to realise that he was the same man, even if he didn't remember, as such he could still be with Dean, have everything he had once had with Dean, even if he didn't remember it and it would all be new to him. It could still be there.

"But I don't remember any of it." Castiel replied with a shake of his head. He couldn't kidnap Dean's feelings for Cas and make them his own. They were not the same person.

"You don't have to remember Castiel, you only have to feel, and give those feelings a chance to grow into something special."

And Castiel sitting there fell into silence as he thought over Chuck's words. Did he had feelings for Dean? Of course he did if he forgot all that had apparently happened and concentrated purely on the man, then yes he did. It was those feelings that had driven him to try and get Dean to smile as he had in the photos. How he had smiled at Cas. Could Castiel have that too, have it now? Or was it too messy, was there too much forgotten and remembered between them to ever make it work? There really was only one way to answer that, the only real question was whether he had the nerve to find out. Did he have the courage to accept that he was Cas, and not just Castiel. And that truly was something he didn't really know the answer to.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13 for the lovely review. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Again the bits in italics are a memory.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

 _"I know there was a time before you_

 _But for the life of me I can't recall_

 _You bound around me_

 _Always fancy free_

 _The world brand new awaits you, wait for me…"_

 _Honey Bee – by Louden Swain_

* * *

Castiel had thought and thought since returning from the church. In fact he had gone over everything he and Chuck had discussed, all that had happened since he had awoken so many time during the rest of the day and well into the night before he finally succumbed to exhaustion. And now here he was, once again sitting on the couch with the photo album in front of him awaiting Dean's arrival, and yet he still didn't know the answer to the question of whether he could try to be Cas again. Still didn't know if he had that courage.

He had opened the album to the photo he had found the previous day, when Cas and Dean were smiling at each other with such love, and looking at it now, after his conversation with Chuck made him realise the truth of his feelings, he felt a twinge of jealously in his heart for the man who had Dean look at him like that, as well as a wish to have that look for his own. Was it strange to be jealous of yourself? Was that wrong? He didn't know, he just knew that was how he felt. But no matter what, he wanted the story behind those smiles, the story behind that love. Maybe then he would be able to decide who he could be. Who he would be.

His musings were interrupted by a knock on the door which made him frown, who would be calling now? He was waiting for Dean, he did not want to see anyone else. But still he knew he could not sit there and ignore it, it would be impolite. As such, with a sigh, he stood to answer it, he only hoped he could get rid of the caller as soon as possible.

* * *

Dean walked up to the front door of the house he had shared with Cas and found he had to close his eyes and push down the feelings which were rising inside him. He had failed to find the defences he would need for this visit in the 24 hours he had had to prepare, but he wouldn't blow Castiel off again. He had had one day of wallowing in his own feelings. He needed to suppress them now. Push them away from his mind, push them as far as he could into a box and hopefully shut the lid. Though he knew locking it was out of the question. It was still all too raw. But that didn't matter. He was here to help Castiel, just think of helping Castiel. He had one idea, one he hated but might just help the other man. If he had the courage to raise it. He could do this. He could.

With that thought he made sure his hands were well away from his front door keys as he raised his fist and knocked, as gently as he could, on the door to his home.

* * *

Castiel opened the door, surprised to find that Dean was his visitor, and as such he frowned up at the man.

"Hey Castiel. I thought it would probably be better if I knocked." Dean said seeing the puzzlement in Castiel's eyes and starting to feel self-conscious under his stare.

"This is your home Dean. You have no need knock." Castiel replied simply. He had already realised that this home was more the man in front of him's than it was his after all.

"Yeah, okay." Dean responded rubbing the back of his neck and somewhat unsure about that sentence. It was just too weird, and at odds to the course he had decided on.

"Come in." Castiel said when Dean spoke no more and just looked embarrassed. He did not want Dean to be embarrassed, even if he did look rather attractive standing there with confusion written across his face. At that thought Castiel smiled a smile he hadn't at Dean since he had awoken, it was a smile that held a hint of the emotions he was feeling towards the green-eyed man. It was a completely unconscious act, but Dean seeing it found his stomach tighten slightly and his heart to miss a beat. That was a smile Cas used to give him before they got together. That was a smile which said he was interested, what the hell had happened yesterday to make Castiel look at him like that once again? And where did that put his plan? The one where he was gonna offer the guy a divorce?

Without speaking Dean walked through the door and found himself following Castiel into the livingroom to see the photo album open on the coffee table. Without a word he moved towards it and saw a photo which held so much happiness he couldn't stop himself from picking it up and running his finger gently across Cas' love filled face.

"When was that taken Dean?" Castiel asked, the jealously once more returning, though this time slightly more as he saw the look of love on the actual face of Dean.

"Just after we'd got engaged." Dean replied without thought. His mind still back to that perfect night. That perfect time with the man he loved with all his heart.

"Tell me." Castiel begged in a whisper. He wanted the story, he wanted to know what it was that made Dean look as he did, wanted to know if there was a chance he would ever get him to look at him the same.

"We'd been dating for a year…" Dean started in a faraway voice. Forgetting who he was speaking to or why he was retelling this story. Just remembering the feelings he had had that night. That oh so special night when their love had been confirmed for all to know.

* * *

 _Four years ago…_

 _Dean was excited, tonight was his and Cas' one year anniversary, he had never had one of these before, not with anyone, so tonight was gonna be extra special. He had wanted to organise something, for the both of them, but Cas wasn't having that. He had told Dean in no uncertain terms that he was the one who was going to arrange it all, all Dean had to do was be ready at 7. Dean wasn't sure what he should wear, but he reckoned such a night as an anniversary deserved something smart, as such he had put on his favourite shirt, meaning the one Cas had brought him for his birthday, and his smartest pants. And now he was sitting there, in their livingroom waiting for Cas to arrive and take him whether he had planned for them to go. God damn Dean couldn't wait._

* * *

 _Castiel had taken extra care to make sure his evening plans were perfect. For while Dean thought they were just celebrating their anniversary Castiel had a question he wanted to ask the man he loved. He had gotten help from his brother to arrange what he needed, the joys of having family in PR in his mind. As such it was all arranged. Pulling open their front door Castiel didn't have a chance to get a word out before Dean was there in front of him, engulfing him in his arms and his lips had found his own. Castiel smiled into the kiss. He loved how demonstrative Dean was with him, in fact he loved everything about Dean, from his snarky comments to the freckles dusting his face. But right now they had to go._

 _"I have a taxi waiting downstairs Dean. Come on." He said gently prizing himself away from the other man who whimpered slightly before caving and grapping his leather jacket._

 _With that Castiel and Dean left the apartment hand in hand and made their way down the stairs to the taxi waiting at the curb. Once inside Castiel nodded to the driver and without a word being shared they pulled away from the sidewalk._

 _"Where we going Cas?" Dean asked curiously. His love had been far too secretive about this night in his mind._

 _But the only response he got was a "you'll see." And smirk from Castiel._

 _Once they started to approach there destination Castiel pulled a black silk blindfold from his pocket and held it up to Dean._

 _"Put this on." He ordered making Dean raise his eyebrows at him. Really? He wanted to do this? Now?_

 _"As much as I think that could be great fun Cas, I'm pretty sure we shouldn't be doing that sort of thing in the back of a taxi." Dean replied with a smirk for the man he loved._

 _"I've had worse." Came the voice of the driver, though they both chose to ignore his comment, which was probably a good thing._

 _"No Dean, not like that, though if you're willing maybe next time. For now I just would prefer you didn't see where we are going until we get there." Castiel murmured back, his voice dropping at the idea of have Dean blindfolded, and maybe tied to a bed._

 _"Okay. But next time…" Dean responded leaving his sentence to hang suggestively while he took the blindfold and tied it tightly over his eyes. He trusted Cas, he wouldn't take him anywhere he did want to go._

 _With that the taxi pulled to a stop and Castiel paid the driver, including a handsome tip for his silence, and then guided Dean out of the back of the car and taking both his hands in his, he guided him up the steps and through the door of the building they needed to go into._

* * *

 _Dean could see nothing, not even the change from light to dark as they entered the building, but he could make out the sound of their shoes on the floor, it was marble, or some sort of stone, and the place they were in was large. Just where the hell was Cas taking him?_

 _They walked on some more, Castiel guiding Dean up a flight of stairs before they entered yet another set of doors. Doors which Dean heard swing softly shut behind them. He was then guided down more stairs, though these were carpeted, until Castiel pulled him to the left and he found himself walking on the flat ground. Finally Castiel stopped and let go of Dean hands, leaving him standing there alone as he prepared the final part of his surprise._

* * *

 _Dean could have removed the blindfold once Cas let go of his hands, but he didn't, he wanted to wait until Cas was ready for him to do so. It was obvious he had gone to considerable effort to organise this, he wasn't gonna ruin it._

 _Finally Dean heard Cas' deep voice, which to him sounded somewhat unsure, speak._

 _"You can remove the blindfold now Dean."_

 _When he did Dean felt the breath catch in his throat. Because when he first looked around, blinking to adjust his eyes, though the space they were in was also rather dark, he found himself looking at what looked like the night sky, but wasn't, cos they were inside, and where the hell was Cas? That was when his eyes dropped down and he saw the man he loved on one knee in front of him, a jewellery box in hand holding a perfect silver band._

 _"Dean Winchester, will you do me the very great honour of becoming my husband?" Castiel asked trying hard not the rush the words as he saw the look of shock in Dean's eyes. Had he made a massive mistake? Was it too soon? Did Dean not love him the way he thought he did? The way Castiel loved him?_

 _And Dean looking down at the beautiful man in front of him found he couldn't get the words out. He couldn't believe that Cas wanted to marry him, to be with him, it was more than he had ever allowed himself to hope for from their relationship, but there he was proposing. Damn, was he ever the luckiest man alive? What the hell had he ever done to deserve such a freakin' awesome man in his life?_

 _"Dean? Are you going to answer?" Castiel asked when the silence stretched on and Dean just stood there staring at him. Oh god, he was a fool. This was a mistake. With that thought his hand started to lower the ring and to move so he could stand but he was stopped by Dean reaching out and grabbing him, stilling all motion._

 _"No." Dean said meaning he didn't want Cas to move, that he didn't want him getting up until he had said yes, but Castiel of course took it a different way._

 _"No?" Castiel asked in disbelief. Just like that Dean said no? How was he to cope with this?_

 _And Dean looking down into Cas' eyes saw the hurt and rejection in them and cursed himself for his stupidity._

 _"No, don't get up, yes, I want to marry you." He rushed to say, hoping it wasn't too late, hoping Cas wouldn't take back his proposal._

 _"You do?" Castiel asked with hope flooding through him._

 _"Yeah Cas I do. More than anything." Dean replied with a smile at the joy which had lit Cas' face up brighter than a thousand light bulbs._

 _With that Dean held out his hand so Cas could shaking slightly, put the ring on his finger. Making him his forever more._

 _"I love you Dean." He whispered as he stood, still holding on tight to the hand which now held their bond._

 _"I love you too Cas." Dean responded in an equally quite tone before he bent his head to kiss his fiancé with all the love and passion he had._

* * *

"Where were you?" Castiel asked once Dean stopped talking, a lump had formed in his throat and he wanted it to go away, there was no way he could ever have the love that Cas and Dean had had, that was obvious now.

"The planetarium, Cas had got them to set it up so the sky was the same as it was the day we met." Dean replied in a dreamy voice, he was still miles away in the memory of his engagement.

"Yes, I can see that." Castiel replied realising with a jolt that that was the way he had always imagined proposing to someone, though in truth he had always thought it would be under the real stars. But New York did not have many places where he could have done that, the planetarium was the next best thing. He could see it in his mind, the plans, the arrangements. He would have had a picnic of all of Dean's food so they could eat it once the proposal was over while looking up at the stars. It would be perfect.

"We had pie after, I love pie." Dean continued still remembering, making Castiel smile. It seemed he and Cas had more in common than he thought then. With that he realised it was now or never, time to find out if he could have that again, or for the first time. Whichever way he looked at it, he knew he could only have it with the man next to him on the couch in their living room. So taking a deep breath he gently raised his hand to cup Dean's cheek and turn him so his eyes were staring into his. He could see the surprise and shock in the green looking at him but he couldn't explain, he could not put voice to what he was about to do, if he did he would fall at the last hurdle. As such rather than saying a word Castiel leant forwards to gently press his lips against Dean's in a soft and gentle kiss.


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank doreen. 1, linusfan13, pyroleigh and XxDestielAngelxX** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, the aftermath of that kiss. I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Gabriel finished his current load of paperwork and looking at the clock realised that Dean would have no doubt arrived by now, in fact he probably had been there a while. Well he should probably go and see that everything was going all right. I mean there had been enough ups and downs between Cassie and Dean-o of late. He would prefer to avoid any more. And he really didn't want them fighting or anything like that. But he doubted Dean would let it come to that. Still always better to be safe than sorry. With that he moved quickly to the doorway to the livingroom and pressed his ear against the wood, but he couldn't hear anything from the other side. Was that a good thing or bad? He ideally wondered as he debated for half a second before moving to silently open the door.

What he saw through that crack, put simply, shocked the hell out of him. Cos there on the couch was his brother and Dean, kissing. Wait one minute, only yesterday Cassie was saying that he wasn't Dean's husband, but here he was today, doing a really good imitation of him. Was Dean forcing Castiel? No, they both seemed fine with it, in fact it looked more to Gabriel like Castiel was the one in charge. Damn, he was spying on his brother and his husband making out, and analysing their actions. He really needed to get a life. But first he had to work out just how they hell Dean and Castiel had gone from not married strangers to kissing on the couch.

With a frown Gabriel shut the door deep in thought, trying to come up with a plan to find out what was happening between the two of them. Because he just knew asking Cassie was out of the question, he wasn't one for sharing this sort of crap with him. So that really only left grilling Dean. Oh yes, he could do that. He hadn't grilled Dean-o in far too long in his mind. With that idea in his head he let himself out of the front door and went to rest against the balustrade that circled the porch. He choose a position where he knew those exiting the house couldn't see him, but he could see them. Once comfortable he casually crossed his arms and waited for Dean to leave his brothers side.

* * *

Dean couldn't believe what was happening, one minute he was in the memory of when Cas proposed and the next he was being kissed by said man. But… it wasn't him as well. The kiss made him feel shock, pleasure, wonder and confusion all rolled into one. And yet… the lips that were on his were tentative, as if they were exploring his for the first time. Which he guessed for Castiel they were, but Dean knew his lips as well as he knew his own. He knew what they liked and how they felt, and how the simplest meeting could tell him how Cas had been feeling. But right now they were starting to feel like a stranger was behind the wheel. No not a stranger, more… a long gone lover. This was Cas as he was at the beginning, at their first kiss, though more sedate and less nakedness. Dean was so much further down the road of their relationship. It was weird and crazy and he had had no warning or preparation of this happening. The feelings inside him were by now all over the friggin' place. And that alone was a startling thing. He would have thought having Cas kiss him again he would be over the moon and he would melt into his embrace as he had done for so many years. But that was the thing, wasn't it? This wasn't Cas, it was Castiel. And that sentence made a feeling of guilt and betrayal shoot through him. Because despite knowing they were the same man, he still felt that kissing Castiel was betraying the man he loved. Oh freakin' hell.

At that realisation Dean did the only thing he could do, he pulled away from Castiel and slowly slid his hand from his face to hold in firmly in his own as he stared into the other man's eyes and tried to speak. Tried to think of a way to explain that which he didn't even understand himself.

"Sorry Castiel, it's not that I don't want to its just…" At that he trailed off, he could see the hurt and uncertainty in Castiel's eyes and he couldn't cope with seeing those emotions on his face. Not when he was the cause. As such his eyes drifted down to their hands, the hands which had his left one on top. The left hand which had the silver ring his husband had given him when he proposed on his finger gleaming up at him as if reproaching him for his behaviour, and for his betray of their love.

"I am not Cas." Castiel stated after a beat of silence and his eyes had followed the path of Dean's. He still wore his wedding ring, of course he did. He loved Cas, nothing would change that. It was then that Castiel remembered the ring he had been given when he had left the hospital, he had handed it to Gabriel without thought, but now he could see it was the mirror of the one on Dean's finger. What would happen now? How was he to see if they could have anything? How could he complete with himself?

"Yeah… but you are." Dean replied quietly lifting Castiel's head so that their eyes once more met. He could see the emotions in them as clear as day. There was the attraction that had always been there between them, but it was mixed in with confusion and… was that jealously?

"Yes. I am." Castiel breathed in reply. The only way he was ever going to get this man was to be as close to the person he loved as he could be, he knew that now. He could never stop Dean from loving Cas, but if he became him, then it would not matter. And after that one innocent kiss Castiel knew he wanted Dean in his life. Wanted him in a way he had never wanted another before, and it wasn't just a physical want, it was more than that. It was a wish to be able to call the feelings he had felt through their joined lips his own.

"You are?" Dean asked shocked by that sentence. Castiel had been so adamant that he wasn't Cas, and now looking at him, after kissing him, Dean could see the difference between the man whom he had kissed good luck to the one he was facing now.

"I don't have the memories you do Dean, but I would like to try and make new ones, if you are willing." Castiel said taking a deep breath. It was time to take the plunge, to return to life as it was now, not wallow in what he remembered it to be.

"And there I was coming here to offer you a divorce." Dean responded with a humourless chuckle as he let go of Castiel face and turned to look away, his eyes falling on the wedding photos on the mantel, photos Castiel will never remember being taken.

"Is that what you want?" Castiel asked suddenly sitting up straight and pulling his hands from Dean. If he wanted a divorce then Castiel could not say no. But he didn't know if he would be able to sit back and watch as Dean got on with his life without him. Not now, not when he had just realised what they could have together, if they both gave it a chance. Oh god, please let Dean want to give it a chance. Please don't let me had blown it already.

"No. I thought it was what you did." Dean replied turning back to Castiel and smiling at him sincerely. No he wasn't the Cas he had been with only a few weeks ago. But he was still a Cas. And there was still a chance he could be his Cas again, different sure, but still his.

"I don't know. I don't remember ever marrying." Castiel answered honestly with a frown. Would a divorce be a good idea? Would they then be starting on an equal ground? No they wouldn't. Because Dean would still remember, and he didn't want to tarnish Dean's memories of their previous life together by claiming it was over.

"Okay." Dean replied, not sure what to say to that. It reminded him of the feelings he had of betrayal. Made them rise up once more. The idea of getting a divorce, of Castiel signing those papers, was suddenly even more painful than it had been when he walked up to the door. At least then he had thought there wasn't any chance he could ever have Cas back, but now, oh hell knows what was happening now.

At that Castiel sat and tried to think of something to say. But there was nothing. Looking over at Dean he realised that he was emotionally in turmoil. But then if Castiel felt jealous of himself was it really any surprise Dean felt that he was betraying him? They both needed time to sort this out in their own heads, and he needed to figure out how he was going to become the man Dean loved.

"Maybe we should leave this for now. Meet again tomorrow?" He suggested into the silence and he saw the relieved look pass through Dean's eyes.

"Sure thing. Same time, same place?" Dean responded immensely glad that Castiel didn't want to talk any more. He needed to get his head round this new development, try to work out what it meant, and how he could help Castiel in this new way.

"Of course." Castiel agreed standing with Dean and walking him to the door. And exchanging gentle, if somewhat confused, smiles Dean exited the house leaving Castiel to return to the living room and stare into space as he tried to think of ways to win Dean's heart. It was then his eyes caught sight of the photos he was starting to hate for their reminder of what he didn't have. But maybe they held within them helpful tips as well. With that in mind he pulled the album to him and started to once more flick through the pictures, though this time taking more note of the settings that the expressions of love on the faces of the people in them.

* * *

Dean walked out of the house and let out the deep breath he hadn't even known he was holding. What the hell was he going to do now?

"So Dean-o. Kissing Cassie, is that wise?" came Gabriel voice from behind him making him swing round to face his brother-in-law. He had expected to see a look of anger on him, but instead he saw an honestly curious expression.

"I've no clue." Dean replied deciding that he couldn't be assed with lying, plus he really had no idea what lie he would be able to give that Gabriel would believe anyway.

"Guessing til wasn't your idea then." Gabriel responded with a nod, pushing himself away from the balustrade so they could walk down the path and away from the house together. He didn't want his brother overhearing anything that might hurt him after all.

"No, and I have no idea what to do. What the hell happened yesterday to cause this change?" Dean asked turning to stop directly in front of Gabriel was an accusatory glare in his eyes. I mean he could have warned him about the complete 180 Castiel was doing.

"Castiel went to see Chuck." Gabriel replied with a shrug as if those words explained everything, which to Dean they kinda did.

"Of course he did. That's just great." He responded sarcastically what the hell was he gonna do now? How the hell was he to deal with all of… this?

"Hey maybe you should take his example and go see him yourself." Gabriel suggested. I mean he sure as hell didn't have any words of wisdom to offer Dean. But maybe someone like the priest would. It seemed to help Cassie, so why not Dean right?

"Yeah I don't thinks so Gabe. God ain't really my thing." Dean responded with a shake of his head at the idea of him going to confiding in Chuck. I mean sure he liked the guy and all, but really he didn't go near the church unless Cas was with him.

"No Cas was always your thing." Gabriel replied with a sad smile. He knew that whenever Dean had emotional… stuff, he would always discuss it with the man he loved rather than anyone else.

"You've never called him Cas before." Dean responded with a frown at Gabriel suddenly using the nickname he had given the man he loved so long ago.

"Just want to make sure it's clear who I'm talking about." Gabriel replied nonchalantly, but Dean could see the seriousness of all of this in the weariness of his voice. Of course he wasn't the only one having to reconcile the man they knew and loved with the new one.

"Right." Dean responded with a nod pushing his hands in his pockets. He felt like he should say something, offer Gabriel some support, or someone to talk to or some crap like that. But that really never was their relationship. And he wasn't sure what he could do to help the other man.

"Look Dean-o, I know I'm not the one you need to talk to to work through whatever it is that's going through your mind, but I would advise speaking to someone." Gabriel said into the silence, and Dean listening to the words wondered if Gabriel had coincided saying them to himself, but he didn't mention it. One issue at a time thank you very much.

"Yeah well, thanks for that, but I'm good. See you tomorrow." He said instead, turning quickly on his heels. He needed out of here, away from this house that held so much… everything.

"See you then." Gabriel called after him as he watched Dean walk away with a frown on his face. He may not know his brother-in-law as well as Castiel had, but he knew enough to know he was troubled by emotions he really needed to sort out. Gabriel just hoped that in the processing of sorting them, Dean did not cause Castiel any undue pain.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13 and VanessaFuckin'Winchester** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I know it's kinda long, but I hope you like it. As per usual the bits in italics are a memory.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean drove away from his and Cas' home but he didn't return to Sam's place. Instead he just kept driving. He needed to figure out what the hell was going on now, and what he wanted, what he could cope with. Finally his driving brought him to the Roadhouse, a bar he had found almost as soon as he had arrived in this town. It was owned and run by Ellen Singer, formally Harvelle. Hmm, Gabriel was right, maybe talking would help, and out of everyone in this place, Ellen might just have an idea of what he was going through. After all she did burry her first husband. Maybe she would understand, maybe he had found someone he could talk too… or maybe he just really wanted a beer. Either way, he pulled his car to a stop, and climbing out walked towards the entrance. As soon as he got inside he made his way to the bar and settled himself on one of the stools, though looking round he noticed it was kinda empty, but then it was a weekday afternoon, never the busiest time he guessed.

"Dean. It's good to see you, want a beer?" Ellen asked looking up from where she was organising the back bar and seeing who her customer was. She hadn't seen him since the night before Cas had gone into the hospital and he and Dean had popped in for a quick drink. Looking at him now she could see the effects of what had come after etched on his face in the shadows under his eyes, and in the weariness in his posture, and her heart went out to him.

"Please, Ellen." Dean replied with a tried smile. He knew there was no point trying to put on his mask around Ellen, she knew him too well.

"So, how you doing?" Ellen asked in a kind voice as she placed the bottle down in front of him.

"Honestly? I'm not sure." Dean replied with a sigh as he reached for, and took a long drink, of his beer. Damn that felt good. The cold liquid making its way down his throat, if he closed his eyes he could almost pretend that everything was as it had always been. Almost.

"And Cas? How's he?" Ellen asked as gently as she could. After all she loved them both and while she and Bobby had been kept up to date by Sam, he had only told them the bare facts. She doubted he knew much more himself.

"Confusing the hell outta me." Dean replied with a humourless chuckle as his mind went back to the kiss and the mixture of feelings it had released inside him. And then there was the conversation that had followed. Son of a bitch, he had just started to accept Cas was gone, and now Castiel was trying to tell him he wasn't or some shit like that. Damn it, it hurt his head just trying to think about it.

"Well that's men for you. Never good at thinking straight." Ellen responded with a confident tone and a nod causing the only other person present to raise his head.

"Hey." Bobby said from the other end of the bar. He had seen Dean arrive, and he would have gone over to him, tried to talk and all that, but his wife was much better at that stuff than him. best to leave it to her, but he hadn't left, he wanted Dean to know he was there if he had need of him, in any capacity. I mean that boy was the closest thing he had to a son, and had been for the last three years.

"You know I'm right Bobby Singer, don't even think to deny it." Ellen snapped back at him without turning round, but Dean could hear the playfulness in her voice. He loved watching these two interact, they never showed any overly affectionately physical gestures, but everyone knew they loved each other. It was there in the tone of their voices when they spoke and in the look in their eyes.

"Won't dream of it." Bobby responded dryly sending a wink to Dean behind Ellen's back making the man chuckle.

"Hmm, okay Dean come on then. Hit me with it." Ellen said deciding to ignore her husband in favour of the boy in front of her. The boy who she knew needed someone to lean on.

"With what?" Dean asked confused now. He had just been settling down into some sort of normalcy.

"The story, don't make me have to come round there and beat it out of you boy." Ellen replied crossing her arms and glaring at him. She would get him to talk, whether he felt he wanted to or not, he needed to.

"She will as well, be warned." Bobby interjected from his stool even though his head was once more buried in the book he was reading.

"Damn straight I will. Now talk or you'll be getting no more beer." Ellen threaten in her most motherly voice. It was one she always used when bullying someone into doing something that was good for them, even if they couldn't see it. Like making her daughter go to college.

"You drive a hard bargain Ellen." Dean replied but rather than then spilling his guts he instead drank more of the beer and tried to work out what it was he wanted to say. What he could actually put into words that would make sense to the woman in front of him.

Ellen waited in silence for Dean to speak. She won't push anymore but Dean needed to talk and she liked to think of him as her adoptive son. After all when he had first moved here he had worked at Bobby's garage before buying it off of him when he retired. He was family to them, just as Cas had been, and still was in her mind. And she was always there for her family.

"Umm, when you and Bobby got together… did you feel like you were betraying Bill?" Dean asked not looking at Ellen, hoping he wasn't being rude. But it was the thing he most wanted the answer to. Wanted to know if his feelings were normal, or just some messed up reaction to the freak-fest of a situation he found himself in.

"Yeah I did. I loved that son of a bitch, still do for that matter." Ellen replied instantly with a smile on her face as the memory of her first husband drifted into her mind.

"What?" Dean asked in disbelief, his eyes flicking to Bobby to see how he was taking this revelation, but the older man didn't even blink at her words. It was as if he accepted it, and maybe he did. He had lost his first wife as well even if it was years ago. Maybe they shared that understanding that they would always love their first partners.

"You can love more than one person Dean. I love Bill and I love Bobby, but I love them both in different ways. Bill for my memories and the happiness we had together, and Bobby for what we have now." Ellen replied with a soft smile at Dean's disbelief. Did he think that just because someone was gone you stopped caring about them? Because you didn't.

"How did you get to that point?" Dean asked hoping to gain some wisdom from the relationship of the two people he knew had taken him into their hearts, just as he had done the reverse.

"Well, I remember worrying that I was betraying the love me and Bill had had, and that I was destroying his memory. But then I realised something that changed everything." Ellen explained, then stopped as she tried to think of the best way to word her realisation.

"What did you realise?" Dean asked almost desperate for this insight, for this bit of information that could help him work out what he was going to do about him and Castiel, and Cas, and all of it.

"That Bill would want me to be happy. He wouldn't want me sitting round protecting his memory for the rest of my life, he would want me to carry on living." Ellen said firmly looking Dean straight in the eye and hoping he would see that the same applied to him. Cas would not want Dean to be alone, especially when he was still there, even if he wasn't quite as Dean remembered him to be, it was still Cas.

At that Dean nodded, but he broke eye contact to frown down at his beer as he tried to work out how he could use that in his situation. Tried to work out if that was still true for his case.

"Something happen between you and Cas?" Ellen asked when all Dean did was frown down at his beer and said nothing more. She guessed it had by his question, but she had no idea what. After all Dean and Cas' situation was definitely unique in her mind.

"He's not Cas, Ellen. He's Castiel, the guy who hasn't yet met me." Dean replied with an absolute tone making Ellen raise her eyebrows. Hearing Dean declare that he wasn't Cas was surprising.

"But I'm guessing that that hasn't stopped him from liking you. Least this time he knows you aren't straight." She responded with a smile, trying to firstly lighten Dean's mood, and secondly remind him that he was still the same man, deep down, even if they would have to start at the beginning again. A love like those two men had shared would not disappear just because the memories were gone.

"Thanks for that Ellen. How the hell do you even know that story?" Dean asked spluttering on his beer hearing her words. It was strange, that memory was still fresh in his mind from when he had told it to Castiel the other day, but he had never told anyone else that story.

"Cas told me. So what's the problem?" Ellen asked brushing aside Dean's reaction. He may have thought it was a big secret, but it really wasn't. Cas had told everyone of how he and Dean had gotten together.

"We kissed, and it was great for like half a second, but then I noticed the differences and I realised he wasn't the man I loved. I was betraying him by kissing Castiel only a few weeks after he had gone." Dean replied after a beat of silence. But he knew He couldn't stop talking now. Ellen wouldn't let him off the hook so easily.

"He ain't gone anywhere Dean, he's still here." Ellen responded ardently. Hoping to make Dean see that he still had a chance.

"He's not the same." Dean replied morosely. In body Cas might still be there, but in mind he really wasn't.

"No. but tell me, if your Cas, the one you think your betraying, was here right now, what would he say?" Ellen asked leaning on the bar hoping to get Dean to open his eyes and see that it wasn't betrayal to like Castiel.

"He'd tell me to get the hell out of the bar on a weekday afternoon and ask why I was not at work like I should be." Dean responded with a smirk, though in truth he could just see Cas saying that. Marching through the door and telling him to get to work.

"Dean." Ellen growled at him. That was not what she meant and he knew it.

"He would say that Castiel's soul is the same as his, and if I truly loved him then I would be able to love Castiel as well. He'd tell me to take a chance, cos happiness don't come if you just sit round waiting for it. You have to go and find it." Dean finally replied with a sigh as he stared out at nothing. He knew the words he was speaking where the truth. That is exactly what Cas would say, he would no doubt add on that he needed to get off his ass and ask him out on a date already.

"If you know that then what's the problem?" Ellen asked with a frown at Dean's words. It seemed he knew deep down that he wasn't betraying Cas, so why…?

"To love Castiel I'm gonna have to let go of Cas. Let go of those memories and start again. And I'm not sure I ready to do that yet." Dean responded in a whisper as he finally realised what his issue was with being with Castiel. Because if he accepted being with him, then that would mean that he would have to accept what he had with Cas was gone. His life, all they had built together, had disappeared, and he would have to build it all again. But it wouldn't be the same. He could try to recreate what he and Cas had had, but it would be just that. A replica. If he was going to be with Castiel he would have to throw away his ideas of what should be and find a new life with him. He knew this was what others did when they lost their partner and moved on, but he was moving on with a variation of the same man. And it was so soon, he really didn't know if he was ready to rip up all the plans and start again. He didn't know if he could.

"Then take it slow. You'll get there. I have faith in you." Ellen replied with an understanding smile and reacting out to squeeze Dean's arm in a sign of unity.

"Glad someone does. Thanks, for the beer and the talk." Dean responded with a small smile as he finished his beer and put the empty on the bar.

"Anytime Dean. You know where to find me." Ellen replied as he stood to leave. She hoped she had helped him in some way.

"Always. Later Ellen, Bobby." Dean said as he gave them a half wave and made his way to the door.

"Dean." Bobby said with a nod of his head for the young man, though he had a frown marring his brow. He did not like to see Dean having to deal with this situation. If only… but that was the thing, there was always if only's.

"So ya think he's gonna be able to do it?" Bobby asked his wife as the door closed behind Dean.

"I hope so. I've never seen such a perfect couple than when those two walked in here hand in hand with smiles beaming on their faces." Ellen replied turning from the door to smile at her husband as she remembered the first time she had ever seen Dean.

"Yeah, I remember." Bobby responded a matching smile on his face as he too remembered that morning four years ago.

* * *

 _Four years ago…_

 _As soon as Dean had agreed to marry Castiel he had been adamant that they had to go and visit his mother and tell her the good news. Dean wasn't so keen on this idea for two reasons, the first being he had yet to meet the woman who was such a big part of Cas' life and he really didn't want her not to like him. He had a feeling she had the power to break his happiness with her son if she thought he wasn't good enough, and Dean knew he wasn't that. There was no way she was gonna like him of that he was sure. The second reason was the distance she lived away from New York. Course Cas suggested they flew, they could easily visit for a weekend if they did that._

 _It was at that point Castiel discovered Dean's secret. He was afraid to fly, not that he put it that way, but still he would not get into a plane. So finally they agreed that Dean would drive them down on the Friday after work and they would get to town early on Saturday morning and Dean would meet his, hopefully, future mother-in-law._

 _So Dean did just that. He drove all night without any stops except for gas and snacks, and as he drove, his music playing softly, Cas slept in the passenger seat next to him. Dean had tried to make him go in the back so he could get a proper rest, but Cas wasn't having any of that. He had decided that if Dean was to stay awake all night then he would too, or at least he would try to. He had told Dean to wake him if he dosed off, but as soon as Dean heard his soft snores and looked over to see Cas with his head against the window and his mouth slightly open Dean knew there was no way he was gonna wake the guy. He just looked too damn cute like that. In fact he pulled out his phone and snapped a quick photo so he could keep that cuteness forever. Plus it would be material to use against Cas when he woke. So with those pleasant thoughts, and refusing to even consider where he was heading or why, he drove on through the blackness, singing along to Led Zeppelin under his breath so not to wake his fiancé. Oh man, he loved that word. He had a fiancé. He was gonna get married and they were gonna live happily ever after. Maybe they could adopt a kid or two? Dean had always wanted children, and he was sure Cas would be keen to help those who needed a home. Yeah that would be awesome. They could have a proper family._

 _Dean drove into Cas' home town earlyish in the morning, earlier than they had planned to get there, and he was starving. He didn't think it would be a good plan to arrive at Cas mom's place and demand food, as such he pulled over in the parking lot of the first place he saw that was open and serving. It was a bar, but that didn't matter in his mind. It served breakfast, so he was there. The fact it served alcohol as well was just an added bonus in his mind._

 _"Dean why are we here?" Castiel asked getting out and stretching his cramped muscles. The impala while comfortable was not that conducive to a good night's sleep it seemed._

 _"Cos I'm hungry. You know of anywhere else?" Dean asked shutting the driver's door and locking it._

 _"No. Ellen actually serves a good breakfast." Castiel replied with a smile at the man he loved. Of course Dean was hungry. He was always hungry._

 _"Right then." Dean said rubbing his hands together making Castiel roll his eyes._

 _"No beer." He stated simply. He knew what was going through the other man's mind after all, but he didn't think his mother would be very appreciative if he turned up with his fiancé smelling like a brewery._

 _"Fine. I'll have coffee. Come on." Dean replied grabbing Cas' hand with a smile for him. Even if he was shaking in his boots about what was to come, nothing could stop him smiling as brightly as the sun as he looked at the man he planned to spend the rest of his life with._

 _And so Dean and Castiel walked through the door, hand-in-hand both beaming at their good fortune and luck at having found the other, as well as both feeling slightly awed that the other man had chosen to love them._

 _And Ellen looking up from where she was by the bar couldn't help a smile slipping on her face at the obvious love in the two young men's eyes._

 _"Castiel, it's been a long time. How's New York?" Ellen asked moving to greet them with a knowing smile as she looked pointedly at their joined hands._

 _"It's great. Ellen I would like you to meet Dean, my fiancé, Dean this is Ellen, she owns this bar." Castiel said with pride radiating from every pore._

 _"Pleasure to meet you. This place is awesome, kinda homely." Dean said before Ellen could say a word and held out his hand for her to shake. He was here to make friends with the people in Cas' life, and this woman was obviously one of them. He wanted to make a good impression._

 _"You find a bar homely?" Ellen asked with the raise of her eyebrows as she shook Dean's hand. In her experience those who felt that way were not the kind you got yourself hitched too._

 _"Yeah well, I moved around a lot as a kid. Spent quite a bit of time in places like this." Dean responded with a shrug. He refused to go further than that. Go into the fact that it was mostly cos his dad was drowning his sorrows in such places._

 _"Then welcome to the Roadhouse." Ellen replied reading what he had not said with ease. She liked this kid. He had obviously not had it easy, but he had Castiel's love, so he had to have a good heart._

 _Dean and Castiel were just about to move away and get a table so they could decide what to eat when the door opened once more and a gruff looking older man walked through, completely ignoring their presence, only having eyes for the woman who owned the bar._

 _"What ya doing with a classic in your parking lot?" Bobby asked in his gruff tone, glaring fondly at his wife._

 _"I have no idea." Ellen replied honestly turning to look at her only customers making Bobby do the same._

 _"Castiel. So back are ya? For good or just a flying visit?" Bobby asked holding out his hand shaking the younger mans with vigour. He had always like Castiel, even if he was a little odd on occasion. He was good to talk to about history and mythology, which happened to be two of Bobby's hobbies._

 _"Just a visit. Dean drove us from New York." Castiel explained gesturing to the man beside him. He knew Dean was very proud of his car and it was a pride he thought Bobby would understand._

 _"That your car out there boy?" Bobby asked turning to the other man and glaring at him making Dean suddenly stand up straight._

 _"Yes sir." He replied with a guarded tone, hoping he wasn't about to say anything derogatory about his baby._

 _"Looks in good condition." Bobby nodded after a beat and taking in the young man in front of him. He looked respectable enough._

 _"I rebuilt her. She's my baby." Dean replied relaxing slightly at the older man's words. For while they may have been gruff, he could hear the respect in them for the way he treated his car._

 _"Hmm." With that Bobby went to his seat and left Castiel and Dean to go back to ordering there breakfast. But he never forgot the boy who smiled with love at Castiel and had rebuilt his impala, and when he moved into town Bobby was more than willing to give him a job, teach him the ropes, and groom him to become his heir._


	19. Chapter 19

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13 for the lovely review. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So this chapter wasn't the one I was planning on writing, but it works, so I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel sat and looked through the photos, concentrating on the backgrounds, and it was only because of that that he saw it. It was an image of him - only slightly older than he remembered he should be despite what the mirror told him - and Dean, sitting smiling together with Dean's hand with the silver ring on it held up to the camera. But it wasn't the image, the smiles or the ring which had caught his attention. No it was the background. This picture was taken in the living room of this house, but it was his home as he remembered it. This was the room he was in, but back when his mother was alive. Which said to him that his mother had taken this photo. The idea of seeing a snap shot of a memory that Dean had with the woman who was gone from his life caused an unexpected pain to radiate through him, and a wish to know more. He needed to know this story, not because it contain Dean and Cas and their obvious love for one another, but because it involved his mother. If he heard this story maybe he would understand that which Gabriel had tried to tell him. Why it was his mother loved Dean so much, why it was she had decided he was the one to take care of her son. And in truth, hearing of how his mother had responded to Dean, hearing of their relationship… he really would like nothing more. As such he took the picture from the album and went in search of Gabriel in hopes he could tell him now, so he wouldn't have to wait for Dean to arrive the next day.

"Gabriel?" Castiel asked when he found his brother staring distantly at his computer, not seeming to be doing any work, but what did he know of PR? Maybe he was thinking about something.

* * *

Castiel was half right. Gabriel was definitely thinking about something, though it wasn't related to his work. No it was related to his life. He was thinking over the words he had said to Dean, and wondering if maybe his brother-in-law wasn't the only one who needed someone to talk to. His only problem was, he had no idea whom he could confide in, not anymore. As such he was kinda glad when his brother's tentative voice pulled him from his realisation that he really was alone.

"Yeah Cassie? What's up?" Gabriel asked turning and smiling at the only person who was really important in all of this.

"Can you tell me about this picture?" Castiel asked moving into what had once been his room with caution as he held out the image. He still wasn't sure how he felt that Gabriel had taken over this space for his own.

"It was taken when you and Dean-o came down to tell mom about your engagement. It was the first time she met him. I remember she was pissed you hadn't brought him home before then." Gabriel replied with a sad smile on his face when he remembered the conversation he had with his mom after Dean and Castiel had left her place. Well conversation was a little optimistic really, it was more a grilling of who Dean was and a reproach for not telling her about him sooner. Then he realized what he had said. He had said you instead of Cas, and as such he was waiting for his brother to blow up at him with the whole, I am not married shit. Damn this was difficult. Luckily it seemed Castiel was on his side and let the slip slide rather than addressing it.

"Can you tell me more?" Castiel asked, a slight begging look in his eyes that Gabriel could completely understand. He had never had the relationship with their mom that Castiel had had, and he had always wished Castiel could share with him how she was in his eyes. After her death he and Cas had talked about just that, and his brother had answered all the questions he had. But now here was Castiel asking for information he didn't have, if he did he would have happily imparted it.

"Sorry bro. I think only Dean-o can tell you that." He replied with a sad smile. Oh god how he wished he could help his brother right then.

"Okay, thank you. I'll let you get back to your work." Castiel replied with a slight slump in his shoulders as he turned to go. He had so wanted to know, but he would have to wait until tomorrow it seemed until he got his answers.

And Gabriel watching him realised that there was someone he could speak to, oh not about all the crap that was now on his shoulders, but of memories, ones they shared, and ones that would be new to him. And you never know, maybe he could get closer to his brother, in a way he had never been before. As such he spoke before he decided to change his mind.

"Hey Cassie, want to go for a drink?" He asked hoping he wasn't going too far. But the Castiel who had moved to New York came out drinking with him to start with, they used to have some great times together. And it was time they became brothers again rather than him being Cassie's keeper. He needed a break and he would bet Castiel did too.

"Why?" Castiel asked turning back to Gabriel with a tilt of his head as if he was confused by this suggestion.

"Just to chat? Be brothers?" Gabriel said, hoping Castiel would agree. He had realised just how much closer they had got since Cassie had found Dean, just how much seeing the Winchesters brotherly relationship had influenced their own.

"Yes, I think I would like that." Castiel replied after a beat of thought. He had never considered his and Gabriel's relationship, and recently he had been so concerned with Cas and Dean's, it would be nice to find out more about his and Gabriel's.

"Well then, grab your coat Cassie, cos you've pulled." Gabriel replied with a smirk as he closed down his computer.

At that Castiel just rolled his eyes but he did go to grab his coat. It would be nice to get out of this house, even if he wasn't sure he wanted to see anyone from the 'real world'. But he was sure that with Gabriel at his side no one would say or do anything to upset him. His brother would protect him. He had shown him that, unknown before now, streak in the hospital when he had never left his side. Yes getting to know Gabriel as he was now would be a good thing.

* * *

And so the Novak brothers went out on the town. They had a fun filled night that included far too much drinking, as well as many stories being told from both sides. And later, once the drink had really kicked, a certain amount of feelings since Castiel's return to the world were exploded, though Gabriel made sure his brother never knew the pressure he was now under. Castiel on the other hand had no such reservations, as such he told Gabriel of his feelings for Dean, and how complicated the situation was in his mind. And Gabriel listening suddenly learnt a new respect for his brother-in-law and his ability to understate shit. Cos his reply of "I have no clue" really didn't even scratch the friggin' surface in his mind.

And if Gabriel gave Castiel some advice with Dean, something along the lines of give him time, he'll come round, just don't rush him, be yourself, then he decided that that was for the best. And if Castiel in his rather drunken state felt glow inside him upon receiving this advice, a glow which made him convinced he should go forwards with his plans and see if he could have Dean for his own, well then, was there really anything wrong with that?

* * *

Finally, much later that night, once he had got Cassie in bed, Gabriel lay down in his own with a smile on his face. And for the first time since Castiel had woken in that hospital without any memories of his life with Dean, Gabriel found the weight on his shoulders was a little lighter. Because while he may well be the only one Castiel knew, he wasn't truly alone, he had his brother. He was not taking the place of his mom or of Dean, he was just being what he had always been just in a different way. He was Castiel's brother, and that was all. And that, that he could be, hell that he would be happily.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank** **Perdition Raiser, rainystv, Guest, linusfan13 and pyroleigh for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, and again, it's a long one. I hope you like it. I have also finally decided who to make Cas' mother.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel woke the day after his night out with his brother to find his head was pounding. He didn't want to get up, he just wanted to stay there for the rest of the day. But as he lay there he smelt food cooking downstairs. It was a smell that drew him like a lodestone and as such he found himself falling out of his bed and walking zombie like down the stairs and into the kitchen only to be brought up short by what he saw there.

"Heard you and Gabe had a heavy night. Thought you might like some breakfast." Dean said when he noticed his audience. He also noticed said audience was standing there in only his boxers and tee with his hair messed from bed. It was a look he remembered so well from when he and Cas had lived here together. Of course if it had been then, then Cas would not have stopped at the doorway. He would have come and put his arms around him, distracting him from his tasks. But even though Castiel didn't do that, the sight of him still made Dean's blood heat with desire. All he wanted to do was grab the guy and drag him back up to their bed and show him all he didn't remember.

But that wouldn't be a good idea. For one, this wasn't his husband, or at least not the one with the memories of being so. He doubted Castiel would appreciate it if he did drag him to bed… and if he did, well then, that would open up the other can of worms. The one he was really trying not to think about. About the fact that if he chose to be with Castiel, he would have to accept Cas was gone.

They were no longer the strangers they had been at the beginning, they couldn't just jump into bed and enjoy themselves and see where it went. Because Dean knew that story, and he still didn't know if he could let it go, no matter how sexy Castiel looked. He was not Cas.

"Umm, yes. That would be pleasant. Let me just go and put on some clothes." Castiel replied somewhat wrong-footed by this turn of events. He had not expected to see Dean in the kitchen, though taking a look at the clock he saw it was past midday. He had also seen the look in Dean's eyes and as much as his body had responded to the desire in them, he had had a sudden clarity and knew they couldn't do that. He was not ready to make love to Dean, no matter how he had decided the previous evening to continue his plan to get with him. No he needed to take this slowly, for the both of them.

"Sounds like a plan. Take your time, it'll keep. Have a shower if you want." Dean responded with a forced smile as his mind conjured up images of Castiel in the shower and they mixed with the memories of him and Cas sharing such a thing. No, he needed to stop that train of thought right now.

"I will, thank you Dean." Castiel replied with a smile as he turned to the door, and while he didn't say the words they both knew he was thanking the man for more than just keeping his food warm for him. Though how much more neither of them was truly sure.

* * *

Once Castiel had left the room Gabriel came through the connecting door from the living room.

"Well that was awkward." He said sitting himself down as Dean placed a plate in front of him. He at least had managed to get dressed before greeting their visitor.

"Yeah, tell me about it." Dean grumbled not wanting to think of his physical reaction to the sight of Castiel. He had managed to keep himself in check around the guy so far because Castiel had always looked slightly not Cas like, but just then, well it had all gone out of the window then.

"He wants you you know." Gabriel said through a mouthful of pancakes coated in enough syrup to sink a battleship.

"He doesn't know me." Dean replied with a shake of his head as he went back to the stove and got everything ready to make Castiel's food, he knew he wouldn't be too long, he had never been one for long showers, or at least Cas wasn't, hadn't.

"That didn't stop Cas, ain't gonna stop Castiel." Gabriel responded simply making Dean roll his eyes at him. Was he ever gonna let up? Dean needed time for god's sake. Not that he said any of this. No instead he gave a very generic reply.

"Yeah I know."

At that silence descended on the kitchen as Dean started to prepare food for Castiel and Gabriel ate, trying to think of how to broach the subject he wanted to discuss. Namely if Dean had talked about it all to someone, talked about all Castiel told him the last evening.

"I don't know if I can do it Gabe. I don't know if I can let go of Cas to be with Castiel." Dean finally said breaking into Gabriel's thoughts and surprising the other man with this voluntarily supplied information. But he needed to say it. Gabriel needed to know what he was thinking here. They needed to be on the same page with this.

"Give it time Dean-o. You don't have to jump into anything right now." Gabriel replied with a soft tone as he smiled sadly at the man who refused to look him in the eye. He had got his answer. Dean had obviously talked to someone, and that was enough for him. It was enough to know his brother-in-law wasn't trying to do go through this alone, he didn't need any details.

With that the silence fell once more as Dean thought over the words. He was here to tell Castiel stories of him and Cas, and maybe in doing so he would be able to see if he could be with this new version of the man he loved. Maybe getting to know him this way would help him see if he could do what he needed to do. He hoped so. He hoped that someday he could be with Castiel, because the idea of him being with anyone else still felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart, repeatedly, with a serrated blade.

* * *

When Castiel returned to the kitchen Dean had a better control of himself, though mainly because when he came through the door this time he could see the subtle differences between him and the man he loved. So with a smile he gave Castiel his food, and Gabriel slipped out before his brother even noticed he had been there.

Castiel consumed his food in silence, devoting his attention to what was on his plate. He was surprised to find that Dean had made him his favourite breakfast, but then he guessed he shouldn't be. He was sure Dean had cooked breakfast for Cas many times before. That idea gave him strange collection of emotions he really didn't want to think about right then. Time to concentrate on eating and nothing more.

* * *

Once he had eaten and started to feel a little better Castiel remembered the photo he had wanted to know about. The photo which told of Dean's relationship with his mother, and had very little to do with Cas.

"Dean, I found a photo I would like you to tell me about, if you will." He said as Dean took his empty plate and put it on the side.

"Of course Castiel. Which is it?" Dean asked turning back to him with a charming smile on his face, happy to tell Castiel stories, it was why he was here, and it was better than watching him eat the way he always had done. Reminding Dean of far too many weekend mornings gone by.

With that Castiel led Dean into the living room and they sat once more on the couch while he picked up the photo he had left on top of the album for this moment.

"This one." He said holding it up so Dean could take it with a chuckle.

"Yeah I remember this day, I was shitting myself about meeting your mom for the first time…"

* * *

 _Four years ago…_

 _Dean and Cas walked up to the front door of Cas' family home holding hands, though Dean kept rubbing his other one against his denim clad leg, trying to remove the sweat he had on his palm from the nerves he felt about meeting Cas' mother. I mean he hadn't really had much experience of female parents. His mom having died when both he and Sammy were kids. He had no idea what to expect. But when Cas turned to him to give him a reassuring smile he returned it as best he could. He wouldn't let Cas down, he couldn't let him down. He wanted to spend his life with this guy, so he needed to win over his mother._

 _He just wished he knew how to do that._

 _Before Dean could get a complete grip on himself they were at the door and Cas was ringing the bell, calling his mother to them. Oh crap. No he could do this, he could. That was the mantra going through Dean's head in those few seconds it took for the woman to answer the door._

 _"Castiel! What are you doing here?" Naomi Novak exclaimed when she opened her door to find her youngest son standing on her doorstep hand in hand with another man. An attractive one she had to admit. But then her son had always had good taste in that department. It was usually in the personality area that his boyfriends were decidedly lacking._

 _"I wanted to introduce you to my fiancé, Dean. Dean this is my mother." Castiel replied with pride and love radiating from his voice, though his words shocked Naomi. She hadn't even realised he was dating someone, and yet here he was engaged? And hang on, wasn't Dean the boy he lived with?_

 _"Mrs Novak, it's a great pleasure to meet you." Dean said with as much confidence as he could holding out his hand hoping his palm hadn't got sweaty in the five seconds from when he last dried it off on his pants._

 _"Dean. Please call me Naomi." Naomi replied pulling herself from her thoughts to shake the young man's hand. She was glad to see that while he was trying to project a confident air, he was still nervous of her. And so he should be. If he thought he was going to marry her son then she would make sure he was good enough for him._

 _With that Cas and Dean entered the house, and having removed there outer garments made their way to the living room while Naomi went and made them some coffee._

 _Dean was a ball of nerves as he sat on the couch. Cas' mother was far more formidable than he had ever thought possible. The way she looked at him, as if she was sizing him up, it scared the shit out of him. Damn it, why did he have to go and fall in love with someone who had family? It would be so much easier if he didn't._

 _And when Naomi returned with the tray of biscuits and coffee the integration started._

 _"So tell me about yourself Dean." She said pleasantly, though there was steel in her voice, as if she wanted to know every intimate detail._

 _"Not much to say really." Dean responded with a shrug and a gulp of coffee, hoping that she would deflect her attention from him, though he knew that wasn't gonna work. Ah hell, where was Sammy when he needed him? He would have known what to say to Cas' mom._

 _"What do you do for a living?" Naomi asked slightly less intimidating now. Dean had passed her first test, he had not gone on and on about himself. That showed that at least he wasn't self-centred. One point to him._

 _"I'm a mechanic." Dean replied sitting up straight. He knew that many would dismiss his profession, he hadn't gone to college or any of that shit after all. In fact he had barely graduated high school, but he was damn good at what he did and was proud of it._

 _"And do you enjoy that?" Naomi asked sincerely interested. She didn't care how educated a person was. As long as they did something worthwhile. Something that meant something to them._

 _"Oh yeah. It's awesome. I've always loved fixing cars." Dean replied his charming smile spreading across his face as he thought about his baby sitting outside, though he doubted Cas' mom really wanted to hear every little detail of the work he had done on her._

 _At that Naomi nodded. Yes he was obviously passionate about his work. That was another good trait. Next subject._

 _"And what about your family?" She asked pleasantly reaching for her coffee to try and make it seem less like an interrogation. The more relaxed she could make Dean feel, the more likely he was to open up and be himself… and in doing so slip up if he was going to._

 _"My brother Sammy's a lawyer. I moved to New York to be closer to him." Dean replied with pride and a soft smile on his face. He was so in awe at the brains that kid had, and what he had managed to do with them. Sammy really was awesome._

 _"You and your brother are close then?" Naomi asked this time friendliness in her tone. No one could fake the love and pride which was radiating from the young man in front of her when he spoke of his brother. And if there was any chance he would speak of her son like that, well then, he might just be good enough for him after all._

 _"Yeah. Our mom died when we were young, so I helped look after him." Dean replied with a shrug trying to make it seem like it was no big deal. He didn't want to go into the story of his childhood right then._

 _At that Naomi looked at him. She could see there was much he wasn't saying about that time, but she also knew he wouldn't tell her, not yet. Not until he trusted her, and she could accept that._

 _"And your father?" She asked instead, wondering about the other parent in Dean's life. After all if they married then his family would become hers as well._

 _"Don't really see much of him." Dean responded though this time with guarded tone. His dad wasn't someone he really wanted to discuss with Cas' mom. I mean he had barely mentioned the man to Cas, let alone to his family._

 _And so it continued, though as they spoke Naomi found herself more and more drawn to the boy her son loved. She could see why he did so. He was charming without effort, as if it was his natural way of being. And as he relaxed in her presence he started to tell the stories she wanted to hear. Though they mainly seemed to revolve around his brother, he seemed to think there was nothing strange with that. And from his stories and his words she could see he had done more than help raise him. If she was hearing right she would say he had brought him up single handed. And when she then learnt that Sammy was only four years Dean's junior she realised just what he had done for his brother. That she respected. If he was willing to give up his childhood for someone he loved, then he would surely make sure Castiel was well treated. Look after her son as he should be. She had always hoped Castiel would find someone who loved him the way he deserved to be loved, but she despaired with the boys he had brought home before. But Dean? Yes she could see him being the one she wanted for Castiel._

 _And Dean, well as he talked about his brother and his life with Cas found himself easing in Naomi's company. He found himself liking her, liking how much she obviously loved her son, a love he could completely understand. He just hoped she could one day come to accept him into her family._

 _Cas on the other hand sat back and watched as two of the people he loved most in the world met, challenged and in the end found a bound with each other. He was glad his mother liked Dean, he would not want to marry a man she did not approve of, but he would marry Dean no matter what she said. He loved him and that love was returned. Yes, this was a good day, and definitely worth the journey._

* * *

"She took this photo just as we were leaving to return to New York. Said she wanted an engagement photo considering we refused to have a party to celebrate it. She seemed to like that fact that it was Cas who proposed and I was the one with the ring on my finger." Dean finished with looking down at the picture once more that captured that happy visit.

"Yes I can imagine she would." Castiel replied with a sad smile on his lips at not being able to remember that meeting between Dean and his mother.

"yeah, why's that?" Dean asked with a quirk of his eyebrow and a smirk on his lips as he turned to the man sitting next to him, forgetting briefly who they were, and what had happened between them, just enjoying being in his company once more.

"She always wanted me to take control of my life. The idea that I was the one to ask the question would no doubt have appealed to that idea." Castiel replied with a shrug though there was also a slightly smug look on his face. He liked the idea that even if he couldn't remember it, he was the one to propose too.

"Yeah it did. Course that didn't stop her from taking me aside and telling me if I ever hurt Cas she would rain hell fire down on my head, direct quote." Dean responded with a soft chuckle for the formidable woman he had respected so much.

"Oh yes, I can imagine that too." Castiel replied chuckling as well as he saw the scene in his mind.

With that Castiel and Dean shared a smile as they both remembered the woman who had gone and yet had been so much a part of both there lives, even if it was a different times with different memories.

"And your father? How did he take it when we told him?" Castiel asked, realising for the first time that Dean had spoken little of his family, expect the occasional comment about Sam.

"He was fine. But you know, we ain't close or nothing. I think I had better go. Got to check on the garage make sure it hasn't burnt down or nothing." Dean replied not looking Castiel in the eyes. He couldn't tell him that story. Not when they were having such a good time, a happy time. He didn't want to bring that crap down on their heads again, nor did he want to remember it.

And Castiel watching him noticed the distance he suddenly put between them and wondered what had truly happened between Dean and his father. But it was obvious the other man was not ready to tell him that just yet, as such he decided to let it lie, for now.

"Of course. And thank you again, for coming round, telling me the story, making me breakfast." He said instead of trying to draw more from Dean.

"No problem Castiel. I'll see you again tomorrow?" Dean replied with a sigh of relief that Castiel had brought his lie.

"I would like that." Castiel responded smiling up at man whom he was slowly getting to know. To the man whom he knew he was physically attracted too, to the man he was coming to realise he could truly care about.

"Then tomorrow it is."

At that Dean made a quick exit. Anything to get out of discussing his father and his reaction to hearing his eldest son had got himself engaged to a man. Yeah that had not gone down well. And standing on the porch Dean realised that while so far he had told Castiel only happy good memories, there would no doubt be a time soon when he would have to reveal some of the darker times of his and Cas' life. Son of bitch, he really didn't want to have to remember them. But maybe he could get out of talking about them. Especially if Castiel concentrated on the photos. Yeah, it would be fine. He could do just the happy stuff, he could cope with the happy stuff.

With that thought firmly in his mind Dean decided that he probably should pop over to the garage and make sure it was all going smoothly. After all he couldn't put his life on hold forever, no matter how much he may wish to do so.


	21. Chapter 21

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank** **linusfan13 and Perdition Raiser for the lovely reviews. I would also like thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope it's not too explicit, let me know if you think it's too much for the rating of this story. Anyway enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

 _'Ask me why_

 _There's pain and there's lies_

 _Don't always have the answer but I'm happy to try_

 _Ask me how_

 _There's you and there's now_

 _I'll share it with you soon as I can figure it out_

 _Hang on my love_

 _Times running out_

 _Cherish the day that's what life is about_

 _So ask me what_

 _Song I should sing I'll hum it just to hear you ask anything…'_

 _Honey Bee - Louden Swain_

* * *

After Dean's departure Castiel had been unsettled. He wanted to know what had happened between him and his father, but he knew he couldn't ask Gabriel. that would be crossing some line in his mind that he didn't understand, but knew was there. There were things that were between the other him and Dean, and no one else. As such instead he tried to turn back to the photo album in front of him, but he couldn't concentrate on it. Instead his eyes flicked to the shelf he had pulled it from. It was then his eyes landed on the white professional looking one. Moving he pulled it out to see the words 'Novak-Winchester wedding' embossed on the front in silver. So this was the wedding album. Surely if he was likely to find a picture of Dean's father anywhere it would be in here. As such he settled himself comfortably on the couch with the album and proceeded to carefully look through the photos of the most important day in Dean and Cas' life.

* * *

Dean couldn't settle for the rest of that day. He went and checked on the garage, but he had such a good staff it was all running as smoothing without him as it would with, so he soon left. He didn't want to answer questions about Castiel right then. So instead he returned to Sam's and decided to cook dinner, anything to take his mind from where Castiel's questions had strayed that day, and the lie he had told… that was the first time he had ever lied to Cas, even if he wasn't Cas. It was still the first time, and he didn't like it. It didn't sit right with him, but then neither did the idea of telling the truth. Son of a bitch. Why was this all so freakin' complicated? Time to try and put it from his mind. And when Sam returned he found some semblance of success at doing so. Sam distracting him with brotherly conversation.

* * *

The next day and Castiel was still pouring over the wedding album, trying to find a man who resembled Dean or Sam in looks, and yet he had found no one. Where was their father?

His thoughts were broken by the door to the living room being opened and turning he saw Dean standing there, silhouetted in the doorway looking breath taking. He couldn't help but smile gently at the man.

And Dean seeing the happy smile couldn't help but return it. Cos in that smile he could see the shadow of the man he loved, it was so similar to the one he had given him every day they were together. Pulling his eyes from Castiel, trying to remind himself he was Castiel and not Cas, he noticed the album in Castiel's hands.

"The wedding album? Damn. I haven't looked at that in years." Dean said as he moved to sit next to Castiel and taking part of the book into his own hands.

"Yes, I was looking for a picture of your father." Castiel replied simply hoping Dean would be able to point out which of the men pictured was him.

"Why?" Dean asked instead, letting go of the album so it dropped down on his lap and he wasn't touching it.

"I wished to know what he looked like." Castiel replied with a shrug, wondering why Dean was behaving in such a way. Did this have to do with the reaction he had seen when they had last spoken?

"Well you wouldn't find him in here. He was too busy to attend the wedding." Dean responded pushing the album closed on Castiel's lap as if that was the end of the discussion. Castiel did not agree.

"I do not believe any man would be too busy to attend his own son's wedding." He said with a firmness that told Dean he would not be palmed off with platitudes or lies. Not this time.

"Well mine was. It doesn't matter Castiel." Dean responded with a sigh. He really didn't want to talk about this. But of course Castiel had picked up on that. He was like a friggin' dog with a bone.

"What happened between the two of you?" Castiel asked, proving Dean's point. He was not going to let this go.

"I told you, it don't matter." Dean growled in reply. He was so done with this conversation, but he also knew he couldn't just leave. This was Castiel, and he couldn't kept his memories from him, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Dean, please." Castiel begged placing his hand over Dean's and turning to look him in the eyes.

At that the feel of Castiel's hand on his Dean turned to see the begging look in Castiel's eyes and he knew he could no longer put off what had become inevitable. So instead of saying a word he got up and went to a side cupboard. Opening it he was pleasantly surprised to find his bottle of good whiskey untouched and two glasses still standing beside it. Taking the three items he returned to the couch, filling up the glasses before he spoke.

"I'll tell you the story Castiel, but I can't do so sober, and I don't drink alone." With that he raise one of the glasses holding it out to Castiel, as if challenging him to say no. But Castiel did not. He took the glass. He had a feeling he would need the fortification just as much as Dean.

"It was a month before the wedding that Cas finally persuaded me to go and see my dad and tell him what was happening. In some ways I wish I hadn't caved, and in others I wish I had agreed before then. But either way, we had been engaged for ten months before we made our way down to Kansas where he was currently in residence."

* * *

 _3 years and two months ago…_

 _Dean drove down the road he knew so well. For all he had spent a lot of his childhood on the road for his dad's work, this was still the home he remembered. The home which was the last place he had had a family. The home his mom had died in. He really wished he didn't have to make this journey, but Cas was so family oriented, he flatly refused to marry him until they had told his dad. And that was a serious problem in Dean's mind. He doubted that what he was about to impart would go down well with his remaining parent, but maybe he was wrong, maybe his dad would be fine with it. Yeah that's right Dean, live in optimism, that way when you're wrong it'll hurt that much more._

 _Castiel on the other hand sat next to Dean with a nervous excitement at finally meeting Dean's remaining parent. He couldn't wait to finally meet the man whom had had such a hand in sculpting the man he loved, and he couldn't imagine him being anything but wonderful. After all Dean and same were, and they had to get that from somewhere. Surely it was there father._

 _But before Dean drove to the house he had another stop in mind. One he wasn't sure he would be able to make after seeing his dad, but one he hoped Cas would understand. As such he turned into a cemetery just off the road without a word and pulled up at the curb, before turning to the man at his side._

 _"I thought… while we were here… I could introduce you to my mom." He said stammering slightly and blushing when he realised what a stupid idea that was._

 _"I would like that Dean." Cas replied with a soft smile when realised what it was Dean was doing. He may not be able to meet the woman until they got to heaven, but if Dean wished him to meet her last resting place on earth, then he would be honoured that his husband-to-be would share such a special thing with him._

 _"Okay." Dean replied with a nod as he returned the smile before climbing out of the impala and going to the back. In the trunk he had a bunch of flowers he had brought at the last gas station. They weren't great or even anything special, but they were what he had to give to the woman he remembered as being loving and kind. His mom._

 _And so with the flowers in one hand and Cas in the other Dean made his way to the grave he had rarely visited, and yet knew the way to as well as he knew the back of his hand. And once he stood in front of the grave stone which proudly announced the resting place of Mary Winchester, loving wife and mother he felt a relaxed smile cross his face. She would have loved Cas. Would have taken him into her heart just as he had._

 _"Hey mom." He said softly laying down the flowers and running his hand across the stone before standing and once more taking Cas' hand._

 _"I want to introduce you to my fiancé Cas, Cas, my mom."_

 _"Hello Mrs Winchester. It is a pleasure to meet you. You have an amazing son, and l I love him from the bottom of my heart." Cas said to the grave stone, though he made sure to project the words in his mind in the hopes they would reach Mary Winchester in heaven. So that she would know her son was loved and cared for. That he would always be at his side._

 _"I love him too mom. He means more to me than anything. I hope you're happy for us." Dean whispered into the air, and while he directed it at the stone and the earth before it that held her remains, he knew he was hoping Cas was right and that there was a heaven and that her soul was there and watching them with a smile. He hoped she would approve of his choice._

 _"I'm sure she is." Castiel said after a minute of silence. With his words he turned so he was not just holding Dean's hand but gripping his arm as well, showing him he wasn't alone, and that he would be there for him, no matter what._

 _"Yeah, she always wanted the best for me and Sammy. And you are definitely the best." Dean replied pulling his eyes from the grave and turning to his future, to the man he loved and giving him a soft and gentle kiss on the lips. As if showing any watching that their words were true._

 _With that they both smiled once more down at the grave before they turned back to the car. It was time to confront the living parent in Dean's life, and it was a confrontation he so did not want to have, but Castiel, not completely oblivious to all of Dean's concerns, was hopeful that it would go well._

 _Dean walked up to the porch of his family home with Cas' hand firmly in his, but once he got to the door he let go before ringing the bell._

 _The door was opened by a gruff looking man with steely eyes which studied Cas before turning to his son whom had stood silently waiting to be acknowledged._

 _"Dean." He grunted when he turned to his son making Dean stand up straighter, as if in the presence of his commanding officer._

 _"Sir." Dean replied crispy. He had been taught well after all._

 _"Who's your friend?" John asked his eyes flicking back to Cas who wore a puzzled and slightly disturbed look upon his face at Dean's fathers behaviour._

 _"My fiancé." Dean replied with authority and defiance. He would not let this man destroy what he had._

 _And John, taking in the words and his son's posture didn't even flinch. But when he spoke his words were filled with ice, even if there were only three of them._

 _"A word. Inside."_

 _With that Dean moved through the door, but before Cas could follow him it closed in his face. It seemed Dean's dad was not happy about their union, and all Cas could think was he hoped Dean was okay, that his father was treated him with the love and respect he deserved, though he very much doubted that that was the case. Maybe he should have listened to Dean, maybe they should have stayed away. But this had to be done, Cas just hoped it didn't break Dean in the process. But if it did. He would be there to pick him up. He would always be there for Dean._

* * *

"What did you father say?" Castiel asked when Dean went quite in his retelling. Though in truth he wasn't sure he wanted the answer. He could guess from the lack of the man in any of their pictures that he had not approved of Dean's choice in partner, he just hoped he hadn't hurt Dean to much during that conversation.

"Nothing good Castiel, please don't make me remember it." Dean whispered downing his third glass of whiskey and pouring another, topping Castiel's up as well. He had never told Cas all that had transpired in that house between him and John Winchester, and he never would. The words spat at him in a hate filled voice, fag, wore, bastard, pervert. Nor would he ever share the pressure points John had so easy pressed upon, Sam will hate you, Sam knows you're not good enough to be his brother, Sam will leave you if you do such an evil thing.

Some things really were better left in the past. And he had thought he had got over them all until this happened. Until he lost Cas and all the words, the vile evil crap his dad, no John, had thrown at him returned and made him think this was his punishment for thinking he could be happy. But no, that was bull. He was here with Castiel, and he could be happy if he wanted to be. It wouldn't be easy, but Cas was still here.

"Dean, you are an amazing, wonderful, human being. I may have only known you a few weeks but I know that much." Castiel replied putting his hand on the Dean's cheek and turning him so he was looking into his green eyes.

"God how I wish that were true." Dean whispered as he stared into the blue. The blue which was filled with so much care and comfort, just as it had been that day so long ago.

"It is." Castiel stated with absolute belief.

It was the belief in his voice that tipped Dean. He knew academically this wasn't the man whom had comforted him then, but the eyes and the tone of the words, they were the same. And they made him believe, for a moment at least, this moment, that this was Cas. This was his Cas. As such he didn't think when he moved closer and pressed his lips against the other mans in a need for him to show him he meant his words, show him that was worthy of feeling, to show him he was loved.

And Castiel at first was surprised by the kiss, but it took him no more than half a second to realise what Dean needed. He didn't need gentle first kisses from Castiel right then. He needed the reassurance and love of Cas. And while he may not have the memories of that man, Castiel knew he had learnt enough to know he could fake it. He could pretend, for Dean. As such he kissed back with a passion he didn't realise he had, and when Dean groaned in pleasure he pushed the other man back so he was lying on top of him on the couch and proceeded to kiss down his neck. Explode in a way he had never let himself explore a man before. Always being to unsure during the first few times of being with another. But this was different. Because this wasn't Castiel, this was him channelling Cas. As such he had no problems with Dean moaning Cas' name as he pulled his t-shirt over his head and kissed and bit his way down his chiselled chest. The chest he had never seen before and yet his body and mouth seemed to know instinctively exactly where to apply its pleasure. He had no problem with taking control of the whole of their interaction by simply letting go of his mind and letting his body take control. Letting his muscle and skin remember that which he did not.

The interaction went further than it should but not as far as it could, both involved seemed to subconsciously bulk at the idea of actual sex. Not that that meant they did not gain their pleasure with the other. On the contrary they both had their orgasm.

* * *

It was some while later that they both returned to the real world to find themselves lying on the couch, naked, and in each other's arms.

And Dean discovering this found a million thoughts suddenly assaulting him. But the primary one was that he had not only betrayed Cas by being with Castiel, but he had called him Cas while they did what they did. How could he pollute such a name that way, how could he even being to pretend that this man was Cas. What he had just done, that was the greatest betrayal he could ever make to his husbands memory. He deserved to rot in hell for that. He need out, and he needed it now.

* * *

Castiel lying on top of Dean, with his head resting over his heart, heard it speed up. He didn't know for sure what the cause was but he remembered Dean moaning Cas' name as he pleasured him. It was then he realised what he had just done. He had pretended to be Cas and had been with Dean, just as he had planned to do. But now, after what had happened, the memory of Cas' name on Dean's lips at the height of his orgasm, while he was the one giving it to him, it sickened him. It made him feel dirty, in some way. As if he had just lived a lie. Not that he didn't enjoy being with Dean you understand. To him that was amazing, but he just wanted to be with Dean as himself, not as Cas.

As such Castiel sat up so that Dean could move and put on his clothes. It was with a strange silence they both got dressed. Dean berating himself for his betrayal and Castiel trying to rein in his jealousy. But once they were dressed they found they needed to face each other. Face what they had done, and how it would change what they were to each other now.

"I'd better go." Dean said when he looked upon the face which simultaneously aroused him and made him feel guilty.

"I understand." Castiel replied simply. He didn't really, he doubted anyone could understand what Dean was going through right now. But he understood enough to know that they needed time to think after what they had done. They couldn't even blame it on the whiskey, never had drunk enough to get drunk.

"I… I'm sorry Cas-tiel." Dean said before sprinting from the room. He had almost called his Cas, and he wasn't Cas. Cas was gone. He needed to get that into his head. And yeah, that encounter on the couch had felt like so many he and Cas had had in the past, it did not mean that Cas was back. Cas was Dean and gone, and he had just found pleasure with another, no that wasn't what was really eating at him. it was the fact he had found pleasure with another but pretended that that other was Cas, that was what disgusted him the most at his behaviour.

"You have nothing to apologise for." Castiel whispered to Dean's departing back. He knew he wouldn't hear him, just as Castiel knew it took two to tango. He had been happy to pretend to be Cas for Dean while they did what they did. He had enjoyed the pleasure, familiarity, and love Dean had shown him while he thought him the other man. But now, no. he was Castiel. And if he wanted Dean he would have to get him as he was now, not what he was. But in doing so he knew there was a chance he wouldn't get him. He still loved Cas, and Castiel could not take that away from him. He couldn't ruin the memories of the past, he could only hope that he could be Dean's future. If he would let him. If he could learn to love another. But that, that would take much more than his previous plan of replicating Cas. He would need time and patience, and to be there for Dean as a friend first. Help him through his mourning before they could be together.

Chuck was wrong. Dean did need to mourn Cas. But that didn't mean they couldn't be together eventually. Or at least he hoped it didn't.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13, Guest, rainystv and Guest for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, its kinda long, but I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean arrived at the house the next day in two minds about what he was doing. The majority of him wanted to run away, disappear and never see Castiel again after the betrayal he had performed the previous day, the betrayal of both Cas and Castiel, but another part of him refused to let him do it. Told him he needed to keep his promise and tell Castiel about his life with the man he loved. He had to do this. He couldn't hide away from what had happened, even if he really wanted to. And he knew his promise to help Castiel would always win out. He never backed out on a promise. So gritting his teeth against whatever shit storm was about to be unleashed Dean let himself into his former home. It would be best if whatever Castiel had to say to him was said in private at least.

* * *

Castiel on the other hand had been sitting in the living room the whole morning trying to work out what his next move would be. They had gone too far the previous day, that he knew, but he still wanted to be with Dean. But he wanted to hear him moan his name rather than the one he apparently used to wear. And he knew he needed to take things slow. Needed to give Dean the time and space to accept Cas was indeed gone, but he didn't want to give him too much. He didn't want to see Dean go off with another because he had stayed back too far. It was difficult. At least he would be seeing Dean when he came round to tell him the stories of his and Cas' life. Their happy time together, maybe he could use that to help build something between the two of them. And maybe from then he could understand why it was Dean loved Cas so. Of course that did raise the question of if Dean would return after all that had happened the previous day. If he was willing to continue as they had been. But if he did Castiel made a promise to himself he would do all he could to help Dean, to ease him through the pain.

He was still sitting there when he heard the outside door open. At the sound he found himself on his feet, turned to the door to the livingroom, hoping it was Dean. And when he saw him come through the door, nerves and fear apparent in his posture and in his eyes, he knew that the first thing they needed to do was address that which had gone between them.

"Sit down Dean. Please." He said with a smile trying to relax the atmosphere which was thick with nervous tension. Mainly from the man who had joined him.

Dean looked at Castiel's smile and wondered what was going on. Was he gonna give him a tongue lashing? Or … no he couldn't think they could do it again, right? With that thought Dean sat quickly, in the seat as far from Castiel as he could without making it look like he was trying to keep space between them.

"About yesterday-" Castiel started to say once he had sat back down only to be interrupted by Dean jumping in before he could say anymore. Dean really didn't want Castiel to get any ideas, he needed to head off any thought of them being like that again. At least for now.

"I'm sorry Castiel. That shouldn't have happened, I shouldn't have-" Dean rambled out. Determined to take the whole blame for it all while making sure Castiel knew that it had been a one off.

"Dean please. Let me talk?" Castiel said in an even tone cutting off Dean's ramblings very effectively. He had things he needed to say, that he needed Dean to hear.

"Okay." Dean replied sighing deeply. He couldn't fault the guy, no doubt he had much to say on the subject. About how screwed his brain was, and how perverted he was for even being able to pretend he was Cas.

"I know you think what we did was unacceptable. By that line of reasoning I am just as guilty as you. You may have pretended I was Cas, but I let you. I let my body take over and remember things it is obvious my mind has forgotten. And that should not have happened, so if you are sorry I am also." Castiel said in an even understanding tone as he selected his words with care. But before he could continue Dean responded to him.

"No Castiel, there's no need-"

"Please Dean. I have yet to finish." Castiel cut him off once more, holding his hand up to still Dean's words, and when he was sure he had the other man's complete attention he continued.

"I know I am not the man you love, and I know you know it too. So I am hoping we can put yesterday to the back of our minds and forget it happened. I would like for us to go back to our friendship, and go back to you telling me of the memories you have with Cas."

At that he paused to take a deep breath before he said the final words he had decided to say. Because while they could seem innocuous to most, to him they were the most important ones he was going to speak that day.

"I would like to hear the stories of the man I could become."

At those words Dean blinked with surprise. Did Castiel just say… did he just admit that he could maybe one day become Cas? Not Cas as he remembered him, he wouldn't have the same experiences or any of that crap, but still, Cas. At heart, could he become Cas? The man Dean loved? Could he have him back again? Was Castiel willing to maybe see if… no. he couldn't cope with this line of thinking. Just concentrate on what Castiel had asked him. Just deal with the here and now, and stop thinking of what could happen in the future.

"Yeah, okay, I can… I can do that." Dean finally replied. He would tell Castiel his stories. He would tell him of the man he loved.

"Thank you." Castiel replied with a sincere smile on his face that Dean couldn't help but respond to with one of his own. They were in whatever they were in, together. And for the first time Dean truly felt he wasn't alone anymore. Because while Castiel wasn't Cas, he could become another version of him, one day. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad, being with someone who understood, who would be able to help him… maybe.

With that both Dean and Castiel found themselves staring into the others eyes. Both with a slight hope for the future which was reflected back and back between them. There was a chance for something, maybe, they would just have to work it out as they went. Take it one day at a time. They both had things they needed to deal with. But at least, sharing that look, they knew that they weren't alone in tackling those hurdles. They would have the other at their side, until hopefully one day, the hurdles would be gone, and all that would be left would be each other, maybe.

"So what memory do you want today?" Dean asked tearing his eyes from Castiel's. Needing to turn his mind to something else.

"Tell me of your wedding. What it was like, who was there, what vows were said, if you don't mind." Castiel replied instantly, he hadn't really had a memory in mind, but with the closeness he and Dean seemed to have found he wanted to know about the happiest day of his life. Know of the love he has for Cas and how they showed it to the world in the ultimate way.

"I don't mind Castiel. Though can't grantee I'll remember the exact words or anything." Dean responded his mind already going back to that day causing a soft smile to appear on his face as a vision of Cas' happy smiling face filled his mind.

"That doesn't matter. As much as you can, I would like to know." Castiel whispered, not wanting to ruin whatever Dean was remembering, but wanting to share in it too, as much as he could at any rate.

"Well we got married here, in this town…"

* * *

 _Three years and one month ago…_

 _Dean stood in front of the motel mirror straightening his bow tie, making sure he looked perfect for the man he loved. The man that in one hour and 13 minutes he would be making his husband. Damn it, he couldn't wait. Why wasn't it time already?_

 _"I think that's straight now Dean. Stop fiddling with It." came Sam's voice from behind him, though he could hear the smile in it. He was glad to have his family here, or at least, the only family that mattered. His brother, who was gonna stand beside him as he said his vows and pledged himself to Cas for the rest of his life. Yeah today was gonna be awesome._

 _"Gotta make sure I look perfect." He replied tweaking the bow once more as he felt it was still slightly crooked._

 _"I'm pretty sure Cas would think you looked perfect in a trash bag, so I doubt that'll be a problem." Sam responded with a chuckle at the idea of brother saying his vows in nothing but a black sack._

 _"Hey nothing wrong with a trash bag Sammy, it's an acquired look." Dean replied turning from the mirror to smirk at his little brother who gave him his patented bitchface at his reply. Yeah this was good._

 _"Jerk." Sam responded to the smirk, but there was no heat in it, instead it was accompanied with a smile and Dean knew that that was his brother's way of showing his love and his support._

 _"Bitch." Dean replied with equal feeling and smile._

* * *

 _The Winchester brothers walked up to the entrance of the registrar's office that Dean and Cas were getting married in only to be greeted by a party of three standing outside, waiting for them. The rest of their guests had already gone inside and taken their seats._

 _But before any of the males in the party could speak the lone female did it for them._

 _"There you are. You're late." Naomi barked out at them as they joined her family, in every sense of the word in her mind._

 _"No we're not." Dean argued, checking his watch and seeing that actually he and Sam were perfectly on time._

 _"Do not disagree with me Dean soon-to-be Novak-Winchester. I am your future mother-in-law and can make your life hell if I so choose." Naomi scolded him, though there was no fire in it. She was just so happy that this day had finally come. That her youngest son was marrying the man of his dreams._

 _"Yes ma'am, sorry for our tardiness." Dean responded standing up straight. He was tempted to give her a solute, but he thought that that might be taking it a touch too far._

 _"That's better, now come here. I want to get a look at you all. Make sure you're looking your best." Naomi replied with a nod of approval at his words and a wave of her hand to beckon not just Dean, but Sam as well to stand in front of her._

 _"See Sammy, Cas might not mind, but I think Naomi would." Dean muttered under his breath to his brother, smirking when Sam just rolled his eyes._

 _"I am not going to ask." Naomi muttered before Sam could reply to Dean's comment that she imagined Dean thought she wouldn't be able to hear. Oh how much he had to learn about mothers, and she couldn't wait to teach him more. She had come to love Dean over the months she had known him, and when she had met Sam she had approved even more of her son's choice. He had done a very good job of raising his brother it seemed. Oh yes they were wonderful boys, and soon they would be hers. With that thought she reached up to straighten Dean's bow tie making Sam roll his eyes and chuckle, or at least he did until she turned to him and pulled on his lapels so his jacket sat just so._

 _And Gabriel who was watching from Cas' other smile chuckled at the look of shock on Sam's face._

 _"You're one of the family now Sammy, better get used to it." He said with glee evident in his tone at having another little brother to tease and prank, well if he ever got bored of doing it to Cassie and Dean-o that was. Which he doubted would ever happen._

 _"Behave Gabriel." Naomi said not even turning to look at her eldest son. She knew him well after all._

 _"Have I ever?" Gabriel asked back cheekily. He loved his mom, in small doses._

 _"There is a first time for everything. Right yes, you are all ready. Good luck and I'll see my boys on the other side." She said pulling first Cas and then Dean to here for a gentle kiss on the cheek before turning round and marching into the room the wedding was being held in. Leaving the wedding party to arrange themselves for their entrance._

* * *

 _Gabriel and Sam went had stood in front of the grooms, Gabriel offering Sam his arm with a chuckle, though he only got a bitchface in response. With that the two of them walked through the doors, to let everyone inside know it was about to start._

 _In the brief few seconds they had before they went to face there audience and committed themselves for life to each other Dean and Cas shared a fond and loving smile. They had no need for words to describe how happy and in love they were both feeling at that moment. It was written across both of their faces for anyone to read. And read it their guests did as they walked towards the front of the room where Chuck was standing, in his priests grab, waiting to perform the ceremony in the closest way he could make it so that it was within the sight of god. Though in his mind he knew the big guy would be watching happily, ready to bestow his blessing on these two, even if the church refused to recognise there love, he knew god did._

 _"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to unite Dean and Castiel in matrimony…" Chuck started to say, though Dean zoned out a bit, just staring at the man who would so soon be his husband._

 _Finally it came time for him to say his vowels as he placed the ring on Cas finger, a ring he hoped he would never have cause to remove._

 _"Cas, from the moment I first saw you I knew you were the one that would change my life forever, and I wasn't wrong. I love you more than I can ever say, and I never want to be without you at my side just as I will always stand by yours. I will always be there for you Cas, no matter what."_

 _And then it was Cas turn. He took the ring from Gabriel before turning to look up at Dean with a soft smile on his lips._

 _"Dean, you have shown me what life can be. Have shown me happiness and pleasure. The love I have for you has no bounds, and is eternal. I will always be there for you Dean, always with you, on that you have my word."_

 _With that Dean felt the ring Cas had proposed to him with, slip back on his finger. The only difference to it now was the inscription written inside, mirrored on the one Cas was wearing. It was in enochian. Cas had wanted it written in the language of the angels watching over them, and it read 'with love for eternity'._

 _Once Chuck pronounced them husband and husband they got to the bit Dean was really looking forwards to. The time he could take Cas into his arms and kiss him sweetly, kiss him gently, kiss him with love, kiss him to signify the first kiss of the rest of their lives._

* * *

 _The rest of the wedding past in a blur of congratulations, dancing, singing and drinking. A time of happiness and fun with those they loved around them, supporting them and revelling in their joy. And later that night, once they had made love for the first time as a married couple, Dean lay naked in the bed with Cas in his arms and he smiled down at their joined hands, the hands which had upon them the matching rings they would never remove. They were a symbol to the world of what Dean knew in his heart, and he could think of nothing that would ever take that away from them._

* * *

With that Dean stopped talking, his eyes automatically going to Castiel's bare hands. His ring no longer proudly on display upon them. It seemed he was wrong, Cas' ring had been removed and there was something that could take it all away. The question now was, was there anything that would ever bring it all back again?


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13 and Perdition Raiser for the reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

The next day was a Sunday, and for the first time since he returned home, in fact since he woke in the hospital, Castiel found himself wanting to go to church. Wanted to face the outside world and pay his respects to god.

Though while he wanted to start his life again, Go outside and meet people who Cas had no doubted known well, for the first time, he also knew he couldn't do it on his own. As such his brother got a far too early in his mind Wake up call, and was then informed he was going to church. One of Gabriel's least favourite places ever, but especially on a Sunday morning. To say he was disgruntled would have been putting it mildly, not that Castiel cared. In fact he barely registered his brother's grumbles and moans as he put on a suit and made himself look smart. You had to look smart to go to church. It was something his mother had drummed into him and Gabriel growing up. Always wear a suit when visiting the house of god on a Sunday. In fact Naomi's drilling seemed to work so well, that when Gabriel came down the stairs Castiel found he too was dressed smartly, or at least smartly for him. Yes, it was only a token effort of tie, shirt and pants, but It was better that the jeans and scruffy tee that Castiel had worried he would wear.

"Right lets go." Castiel said with a confidence he wasn't 100% sure he felt. No he could do this. He could face the world, face those who no doubt all knew the truth of what had happened. He just hoped he didn't make a fool of himself, and that he didn't get asked any probing questions. There was no doubt in his mind that some people at the church, for instance the ones who had been his mother's friends, would want to grill him over it all. He wasn't ready for that, hmm, he would have to throw Gabriel at them and run away, hopefully work.

"Do I really have to go? I don't want to have to be polite to all those idiots Cassie." Gabriel moaned, though even as he did so he was picking up his car keys. He knew there was no way he was getting out of this, and in all honesty he didn't want to leave his brother to face the wolves of the church alone. It was just he really did want to face those old bags either, they always demanded to know when he was going to get married and continue the family line, they wouldn't be happy until he had a pack of unruly brats running round their ankles. Oh god, what a horrible thought. As such he purposefully tried to avoid them at every turn. At least hopefully he would have some back up when they got there, that was if said back up was up at such a stupid time on a Sunday morning and read the text he sent him. He doubted it greatly. I mean seriously, what sane person was awake at this time of morning at the weekend?

"Yes Gabriel, you have to." Castiel replied over his shoulder as he opened the door. Therefore it wasn't straight away he saw, or even registered, what was at the curb as he walked out of the house. But when he did notice, he found himself stopping dead at the sight with his mouth open.

Because there, leaning against his big black car and wearing suit was Dean.

"Dean, what are you doing here?" Castiel asked staring to walk again once he had got over his shock, at not only finding Dean at the end of his path, but also how attractive he looked smartly dressed.

"A little birdy told me you were gonna go to church. I've come to offer you a lift." Dean replied smiling at Castiel, looking so much like Cas had done every Sunday morning he had ever known him. All dressed up for church, ready to pay homage to his god. Damn. But when he looked into Castiel's eyes he remembered this wasn't the man who loved him. Wasn't the man he loved, not now, though maybe it was more not yet? Stop. He was here to help Castiel get through church and all the people there who would no doubt want to know everything.

"So you have come to drive us?" Castiel asked with a raise of his eyebrow, though there was a smile on his lips in response to the one Dean was giving him. He ignored the little birdy comment. He could very well guess who that was. His brother would do anything to get out of going to church, not that Castiel was going to let him.

"Well I thought I could keep you company during the service too, if you'd like." Dean replied rubbing the back of his neck and going slightly red. He wasn't sure if Castiel was aware of his lack of belief in religion, I mean he used to drop Cas off, then swing by and pick him up when he was done most Sundays. Church really wasn't his thing. But if Castiel needed someone to be there for him while he did this, then Dean would be at his side.

"See, no need for me to come to. You have Dean-o now." Gabriel interrupted before Castiel could speak, and he had a little too much joy in his voice for his brothers liking.

"No Gabriel. You are coming as well. Get into the car." Castiel stated simply, moving to open the back door and gesturing to Gabriel with a sweet smile on his face. And as much as Gabriel wanted to refuse, he knew he couldn't. He was Castiel's brother, it was his job to protect and help him. Damn it.

"Really Cassie? Giving me orders." He muttered even as he moved to climb in the back. He didn't make any comment on the seating arrangements, it would give him a chance to watch Dean-o and Cassie, see how they were getting on. Where they were at in whatever it was they were doing. Yeah, at least he could spend this time learning what he could about where there relationship was.

"Yes." Castiel replied simply closing the door only to turn and find Dean holding the passenger one open for him. With a smile of thanks he slid onto the passenger seat and settled down while he waited for Dean to get into the driver's side.

"I'm gonna make you pay for this later little brother. I promise I will." Gabriel said sing song tone making Dean chuckle as he started the engine.

"Don't worry Gabe. We'll find you a seat at the back, you can go to sleep or something there." Dean said in a compassionate voice. He understood Gabriel wish not to be going with them. But they were there for Castiel, and it would be better if he had them both at his side.

"Oh no. I'm going to make him sit up front with us, and then if he fall a sleeps I can take great pleasure in elbowing him awake." Castiel responded giving Dean a cheeky grin as if it was the two of them against his brother, as it had been so many times in the past. And while Dean returned the grin, he also felt the sharp stab in his heart at how close this was to times when it was him, Gabriel and Cas.

"You're far to vindictive for a Sunday morning Cassie. You know that right?" Gabriel replied with a roll of his eyes, though he had a good natured tone. He and Castiel both knew he would never fall asleep in church. Yet another thing their mother had drilled into them, and in particular into Gabriel's mind.

"Church is not a place to sleep Gabriel." Castiel stated simply, unconsciously repeating his mother's words exactly.

"Yeah, the pews are damn uncomfortable." Gabriel responded, just as he had to Naomi when she had spoken them. It had always been some sort of Sunday morning ritual between them all. And even if it was now him and Castiel having the conversation it made Gabriel smile at the memory of his mom's words.

Castiel did not reply to that. He too was smiling at the memory the words brought forwards. One he could remember clearly and brought a warm glow to his heart.

And Dean looking across at the passenger seat for himself smiling as well, even if he didn't get the memory the Novak brothers were sharing. There was no way he couldn't smile at seeing such a glow on Castiel's face. It was good he felt ready to start going back out into the world. The church had been such a major part of Cas' life. Dean hoped that Castiel could find through it the same sense of purpose and helpfulness he had had before. He hoped that Castiel could find the love and friendships he had there. He hoped he could find some peace.

But he didn't once hope that Castiel would find a bit of Cas while there. No, he had put that hope far away in his mind. That was not to be, he was Castiel, and he always would be.


	24. Chapter 24

**Hello my lovelies. I would like to thank** **rainystv and linusfan13** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, a bit fillerish, and by that I mean not too much angstiness. But I hope you like it, with its cameo appearance.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

The service finished and Gabriel, Castiel and Dean left the church only to immerge into bright sunlight making the three of the blink. Gabriel wanted nothing more than to run away as fast as he could so he couldn't get cornered by anyone, but of course his brother had other ideas. As such they had to stand in the little queue to talk to Chuck, while Gabriel tried to make no eye contact with anyone, and tried to make it seem as if he was invisible. He failed miserably at the last, but at least he tried. It took the wolves, as Gabriel liked to call them, they hunted in packs after all, all of 0.3 seconds to hone in on the Novak brothers with their Winchester add on, and as such surrounded the three men with ease and smiles, which Gabriel was sure was really just a sign of them sharpening their teeth and claws. Oh hell, why did he agree to this again? But before the questions could get too invasive they were rescued by their knight in shining armour, or at least Chuck wearing his priest outfit. Gabriel felt like he could fall at the guy's feet. Maybe he should thank god for this divine intervention.

"Castiel and Dean, good to see you both, and Gabriel as well, though I'm sure you are not here by choice." Chuck said with a chuckle as he shook each of the men's hands, though in all honesty Castiel was the only one he ever saw at church regularly, though he did drag Dean in for holiday services. But what he was pleased to see was Dean and Castiel together, that was a good sign. He wanted them to find their new path and be happy together, they were such a perfect couple after all. And Chuck, he trusted in god to help guide them in any way they needed it.

"Not my choice, no." Gabriel replied with a roll of his eyes, though he also smiling. He didn't dislike Chuck, nor did he not believe in god, he just felt that he didn't need to go to church and talk to all these people to worship the big guy.

"The service was very good Chuck, I must say, I had never realised what a good story teller you were." Castiel said, interrupting his brother before he said anything outrageous, though from the way Gabriel and Chuck treated each other he guessed they knew each other reasonably well. As such he doubted the priest would be offended with whatever Gabriel came out with.

"Thank you Castiel. I try my best." Chuck replied, he wanted to say more, ask how he and Dean were doing, but he couldn't do that with the man in question sticking to Castiel's elbow as if he was attached by glue, of course he could take that as an answer his questions. Before anyone could say anything more in the conversation a shout sounded through the crowd and a young man came purposefully towards their party.

"Cas, Castiel." Said the voice of a boy of about 18, pushing his way politely through the crowd towards them.

* * *

When they heard the voice calling his name both Dean and Castiel turned to the sound to watch the boy. And Dean, realising that Castiel would have no idea of who he was about to meet felt it was time to fill him in. As such he spoke in a low voice into Castiel's ear.

"That's Kevin Tran. When he and his mom moved here and joined the church you took him under your wing. Helping him get into an Ivy League school. His aim in life is to be the first Asian president."

"Castiel, it's so good to see you, and I wanted to let you know, I got in, I got in to Princeton." Kevin said in a rushed voice and a smile shining on his face when he was finally in front of the man he looked up to. The man who had helped him so much.

"That is fantastic Kevin. I am glad your dreams are coming true." Castiel replied with a generic smile on his face. He did not want to have to explain to this boy he had no idea who he was. He seemed so happy and innocent, Castiel felt no wish to destroy that. He just hoped he used the right words during this conversation. Hoped he could channel enough of Cas to please the boy in front of him.

"It's all thanks to you Cas. You did so much to help me, I have no idea how I'll ever repay you." Kevin continued, completely oblivious to the fact that this man had no idea who he was or what he was talking about.

Dean felt extremely uncomfortable when Kevin spoke in such a friendly way to Castiel and was about to jump in, save Castiel and correct Kevin calling him Cas, but before he could the man at his side spoke.

"no repayment needed, you are obviously very bright. You no doubt got in on your own merit." Castiel replied smiling gently. There was no way he could smile in any other way when confronted with such youthful exuberance, even if being called Cas made him wince inside. Especially as it brought forth the last time he had been called that, by Dean on the couch. No. Now was not the time to think of that.

"Thanks Cas. Anyway, I'd best go. Mom's waiting, it's good to see you out and about again." Kevin responded with a wave as he made his way out of the crowd and to the car sitting at the curb.

"Goodbye Kevin." Castiel called after him keeping his smile fixed in place even as emotions and thoughts started to swirl inside him. It was a strange mixture of feelings. On one hand he was happy to help the young man, but on the other he knew it wasn't him doing the helping. It was Cas, and he wasn't Cas was he? Though if it had been him he would have no doubt done the same as Cas and helped Kevin. It was just all so very confusing.

And Dean standing at his side could see the confusion and conflict inside of him. Therefore when he saw the vultures of the church were about to pounce he quickly guided Cas away from the crowd and into the graveyard. Anywhere to get some peace so the other guy could work through what was going on in his mind.

And Gabriel, much to his dismay found himself alone and surrounded, fan-freaking-tastic. Oh he was gonna so make Dean-o pay for this one. Though even as he thought it he plastered on his best smile and turned to gain the ladies attention so that none of them would follow his brother. He was here to protect him after all, even if that did mean he became the sacrificial lamb to the slaughter. That was his job now, and he would do it well.


	25. Chapter 25

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So this is a really long chapter, and discusses death and cancer. I have no medical knowledge so I hope what I write is correct.**

 **Anyway, As per usual the bits in italics are memories. I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel took a deep breath of clear air, appreciating finding himself alone with just Dean for company. It gave him time to steady his thoughts, remember who he was. He was Castiel. That was what he knew, being Castiel. And while his thoughts steadied he realised where he was, in the graveyard of the church, and who else could be near. It gave him a need to know, a need to see proof of what he already knew to be absolute truth.

"Dean, is my mother buried here?" He asked in a quiet voice, not wanting to disturb the peace of those that rested around them, as well as not sure how he felt about needed someone to guide him to him mothers grave.

"Yeah. Want to see her?" Dean asked as gently as he could. He knew that Cas used to come here every week, bringing flowers to Naomi's grave and telling her the happenings of their lives. And since Cas' illness Dean had accompanied him, and since Castiel woke, Dean had kept up his husbands traditions, just as he had known he would want him too.

"Please." Castiel replied with a whisper, unsure of what to feel now. He had not considered visiting his mother's grave even though he had known her to be dead, did that make him a bad son?

But when they reached the head stone Castiel saw fresh flowers in the vase in front of it. It seemed that someone had visited and given their respects to her, and of that he was glad. For a minute he wondered if it was Gabriel, but then Dean spoke.

"I hope you don't mind, I brought her daffodils, I know she liked them." Dean said rubbing his neck feeling self-conscious of what he had done. But Castiel, rather than being cross that he had trespassed on this sacred ground, found comfort in the fact that there was another who would care for her resting place.

"She always said they reminded her of spring." Castiel replied in a murmur. With that in mind he knelt down at the grave, tracing the words with his fingers.

 _Naomi Novak_

 _Loving mother to all her sons_

 _And while god may have taken her from earth, in heaven she will reign_

"How did it happen?" Castiel asked, realising only now as he looked at her grave he had no knowledge of her death. Of whether it was quick or slow, sudden or expected. Of what god had deemed to be her exit from the earth.

"She had cancer. She fought, but in the end she was happy to go." Dean responded solemnly, the days of Naomi's illness were still fresh in his mind, just as how Cas responded to such was. As well as how Cas had been after his mother's death.

"Tell me," Castiel said before Turing to Dean with desperate eyes. "Please Dean, tell me it all."

And Dean looking down into those blue begging eyes knew he couldn't refuse.

"It was a year after Cas and I got married…" Dean started, forcing his mind to go back to that dark time so he could share as much as he could with the man who had a right to know.

And unknown to the two at the grave Gabriel came up behind them, but hearing Dean words he slid down behind a tall grave. This was a story he had never really heard in full, and while he knew it would cause him pain, he knew he wanted to know. As such he settled down to listen to Dean tell it all from his point of view. From what he and Cas had experienced, what they had done and what they had seen. Because Gabriel for all he was Naomi's son, he knew he hadn't been there for her when she had needed him. Cas had. And he wanted to know about all that he hadn't done.

* * *

 _Two years ago…_

 _Naomi sat in the hospital corridor outside the doctor's office with her phone in hand completely composed. Her doctor had told her that it was possibly cancer but she had refused to inform her family until she had known for certain. Now she did. The doctors threw round words like chemotherapy and radiation to reduce the tumours, but she knew whatever happened would be gods will. What she had to do now was decide who she was going to call. Of course her sons were first on that list, her sons always came first in her mind. As such pulling her spine up straight she hit the number of the one she needed to tell first, she knew the rest would understand._

 _"Hello, Castiel Novak speaking."_

 _"Castiel, it's me." She said gently smiling at hearing her sons work voice. Dean would always tease him about how brisk he sounded when at work._

 _"Mother, why are you calling? What's wrong?" Castiel asked his tone slipping easily into the loving one she heard every time they spoke. Oh how she loved her son._

 _"I have some bad news." Naomi replied pulling herself together, trying to find the best way to share what she had learnt from the doctor with her youngest son._

 _"What is it?" Castiel asked sitting up straight and letting the office around him fade out. All that was important was his mother's words._

 _"I have cancer, the doctors are hopeful, but I felt I should let you know." Naomi replied wincing as she said the word. She hated it and all the connotations that came with it._

 _"I'll be with you tonight." Castiel replied instantly and without thought. In fact he was already standing and packing up his bag. His boss coming out and glaring at him but Castiel just ignored him. If he lost his job for walking out today then fine, he would find another one. But his mother came first, his family always came first._

 _"There is no need-" Naomi started to protest, closing her eyes as she could just imagine Castiel ditching everything to come running home to her, she was fine, she would be fine on her own. Her son had his own life to live. She was fine._

 _"Mother, of course there is need. I am on my way." Castiel interrupted her before she could even try to change his mind. With that he pushed past his boss and out the door of his place of work without looking back. He had to go and pack a bag and get a flight back home immediately._

 _"I'm sure you and Dean can come down at the weekend, do not trouble yourself on my behalf." Naomi protested, even if she knew it did not matter. Castiel was a stubborn man when he put his mind to something. She knew there was nothing she could say to stop him, but maybe by reminding him he had a husband and a life he would consider a more sensible option._

 _"You are my mother and I know Dean will agree with me that I am coming today, he will follow at the weekend. Does Gabriel know?" Castiel replied after a beat where he considered what Dean would say when he told him. he knew his husband, the man he loved, and he knew that Dean would tell him to go, leave everything else to him, just go and be with him mom. That was Dean for you, he understood more than anyone Cas had ever met that family always came first._

 _"I am calling him next." Naomi responded with a sigh giving in to Castiel's decision. She would call Gabriel next, at least she knew he would wait until a more sensible time to come and visit her. He would think of his career and his life. Not drop it all, unlike Castiel._

 _"Very well. Tell him I am coming to you and will keep him updated until he can get the time off of work." Castiel stated down the phone, flagging down a taxi to take him to his and Dean's apartment._

 _"Very well Castiel. I'll see you soon." And as she hung up the phone Naomi breathed out a sigh of relief she hadn't even realised she had. The idea of having her son at her side gave her strength, a strength she had not even realised she needed._

* * *

 _Dean was at work when he got the call from Cas telling him about Naomi, and just as Cas had thought he urged him to go to her straight away and to take the bare minimum he needed. Telling him he would follow at the weekend with anything else Cas wanted, needed. Once they knew more, they could decide how to proceed. And when Cas informed him that he was pretty sure he had just lost his job Dean just laughed at how like Cas that was. It didn't matter, they would figure it out later. Right now what mattered was Cas going and being there for him mom._

 _That was the first time Dean and Cas ever spent a night apart from each other, and it was the longest three nights of Deans life, even if they did speak every day. As such he drove through the night on Friday to get to Cas early Saturday morning and was greeted by the biggest hug and the sweetest kiss his husband could give him._

 _"I've missed you Dean." Castiel said pulling back from the man he loved with a smile on his face at being able to have him once more in his arms._

 _"Yeah, me too Cas, me too." Dean replied pulling Cas back for another kiss, this one longer and deeper than the first. This one held all the pent up love that neither had been able to express properly in the last three days._

 _"Hello Dean." Came a female voice, finally forcing the two apart, not that Dean let go of the man he loved as he turned to his mother-in-law._

 _"Naomi, how are you?" He asked genuinely concerned. He cared for the woman too after all._

 _"I started treatment yesterday, so I'm not really sure how to answer that." Naomi replied with an honest smile on her face. She knew it would get worse before it got better, she was just going to have to grin and bear it._

 _"Okay. Well why don't you go and sit inside while Cas and I get the car unloaded?" Dean suggested, not wanting Naomi to tire herself out, though he wasn't sure what would right now, or when the treatment would take effect. In fact he didn't know much about any of it._

 _"Very well. Though you may need to put my son down before you can do that." Naomi replied with a smirk, loving how Dean jumped and his arms dropped away from Cas at her words. It was highly amusing._

 _"Right." Dean responded taking a step away from Cas once he had let go of him. Making even Castiel chuckle at his husband's behaviour. He was acting like a naughty school boy who had been caught._

 _"It's good to see you Dean, if nothing else you seemed to have put a smile on my sons face." Naomi said as she turned towards the door. Going to settle back down on the couch and put her feet up. Leave the boys to it._

 _"Always my aim." Dean responded sincerely with one of his patented charming smiles._

 _"Glad it still is." Naomi nodded as she walked away. Yes she was glad Castiel had Dean, he had seemed so solemn and focused over the last few days. Hopefully having the man he loved with him would help lighten his mood._

 _With that Naomi returned into the house leaving Dean and Cas to talk in relative privacy._

 _"Dean, I've been thinking…" Castiel said once he heard the door close. This was something he hadn't discussed with his mother yet, as he first wanted to discuss it with Dean. But even now he wasn't sure how to word his idea._

 _"What is it Cas?" Dean asked frowning at the man he loved and moving so he was standing in front of him and resting his hands on his arms to show his support for whatever it was Cas wanted to say or do._

 _"I don't want to leave her, not while she is ill, but it could be months until she is better." Castiel finally said looking up into the green eyes he loved so much, hoping Dean would understand what he was saying. Understand that it wasn't that he didn't want to be with Dean, it was just his mother needed him._

 _"Well it looks like we're moving house then." Dean replied with an easy smile on his lips. He had thought that Cas would probably want to stay here, and he had realised in the last three days there was no way he could be anywhere that Cas wasn't. So he would move with him. It was no big deal right?_

 _"What?" Castiel asked his eyes going wide as he processed Dean's words. He was willing to just leave New York and come here? To this backwater town? leave his brother and the life he had there just for him? It was just another reason why he loved his husband so very, very much._

 _"You don't want to leave her, and I sure as hell ain't leaving you, so as long as Naomi doesn't mind, why don't we move in here for now? Just while she's ill, we can help out around the house, and you'll be on hand to take care of her." Dean explained. He had thought it all out. He even planned to get a job to help with the extra money they would need with him and Cas living there. He was sure he could find someone willing to take him on. A good mechanic was always welcome he had found throughout his travels._

 _"You'd do that Dean? For me? What about Sam?" Castiel asked just to make sure Dean realised just what he would be giving up moving here with him._

 _"I'd do anything for you Cas. You know that. And Sam is big enough and ugly enough to take care of himself." Dean replied with a chuckle at the idea that Cas thought he would choose spending time with his brother over being with the man he loved. And it wasn't like Sammy couldn't come and visit now was it?_

 _"Thank you Dean." Castiel responded wrapping his arms once more around Dean's neck and pulling in for another deep and love filled kiss._

 _"Shut up angel and help me unpack the car." Dean mumbled when they came up for air. Feeling self-conscious that Cas thought it was such a big deal. It really wasn't. It was the only obvious solution in Dean's mind, and the only thing they could do._

 _"Of course." Castiel responded moving just as Dean was about to kiss him again and sashaying his way to the trunk to help pull out the cases Dean had inside, giving his husband a loving smile as he did so. One Dean couldn't help but return._

* * *

"And that was how Cas and I ended up here." Dean said into the silent graveyard. He knew Castiel had asked for all the details, but he found he couldn't go on. Couldn't tell him the rest, it was too painful to think about, let alone speak of it.

"What about your New York apartment?" Castiel asked turning from the tombstone to look up and Dean and seeing the pain in his eyes, realising that his mother's illness was not a subject Dean was happy to speak of. Which was understandable, from all he had learnt his mother had been important to Dean too.

"Gabriel and Sammy helped us get it packed up. It was only rented so it really wasn't a big issue." Dean replied with a shrug as he pulled himself together, though his eyes were still trained on the words engraved on the stone in front of him.

"She never got better did she?" Castiel asked with a sad sigh as he turned back to grave maker as well. The place his mother was laid to rest, and he didn't even remember being with her in her time of need. But he could take some confront from the knowledge that Cas was. Cas had been there from the beginning, and that was some confront to him, even if it was only a small one.

"No. the treatments didn't work. But Cas was at her side every day. Caring for her and helping her right up until the end." Dean replied softly remembering the pain and the tears, as well as the laughter and joy. He had gotten so close to his mother-in-law during in those months they lived together, those months at the end of her life. It wasn't all bad he knew, there was definitely some good in there as well. It was just the bad always seemed to overshadow the rest in his mind.

"And you?" Castiel asked turning back to Dean, wondering what this man had done while the one he loved cared for his mother. What had Dean's role been during that time?

"I got a job at the local garage, made sure we had no money worries." Dean replied simply. Though in truth he had done so much more. He had been there for Cas. Been a shoulder for him to cry on on the bad days, been the strength he needed to carry on every time they were told nothing had changed. The one who literally carried Cas to bed when he had worked himself to exhaustion caring for the woman who had spent her life caring from him.

"He must have been heart broken, Cas, when mother got sicker." Castiel said, unconsciously echoing the root cause of all that Dean had helped Cas through.

"He was. Though I think it helped that Gabriel moved back home too, when it was obvious that Naomi wasn't gonna get better. I think having him around helped Cas, even if it was just him coming by and making them both laugh. It helped." Dean replied shoving his hands in his pockets as a small smile spread across his face at the times he had returned home to the sound of laughter coming from the livingroom, or Naomi's room, only to find Gabriel there being his usual cheerful self. Refusing to let anyone be down about what was to come.

"Yes, he's good at that." Castiel responded smiling himself as he remembered not only his own memories of Gabriel, but also what his brother had done for him since he had awoken. Since he had forgotten it all. How even though it was obvious he was trying to help him, he still found the time to make him smile when all he wanted to do was frown. That was definitely his brother's gift to the world.

"He sure is." Dean replied having his own memories, of the time Cas was lying unmoving on the hospital bed and Gabriel managed to take his mind off the possibilities, even if it was just for a few minutes.

"I wish I could remember." Castiel whispered to the tombstone more than to Dean. Wishing he could have been there with his mother when she was in need. Wishing he could remember being there for her. Cas seemed to have done so much, if only he could know he had helped, in some way…

"No you don't Castiel. Not that time you don't." Dean replied even if Castiel wasn't speaking to him. He did not want him to think he had let his mom down, or wonder more about that time. It wasn't good to dwell on the past. Castiel had to look to the future. They had to look to the future.

"What were her last words?" Castiel asked louder this time. If Dean was going to tell him no more of his mother's illness then so be it. But he wanted to know that. If nothing else he deserved to know that.

"To live life to the full, to not mourn her passing but celebrate the woman she had been. To never take anything for granted nor waste a moment. To always love each other."

And even as he spoke the words Dean remembered the scene. Of the frail woman who had once been so strong, lying in the hospital bed, holding the hands of her sons and smiling benevolently at them all. And he remembered seeing the tears course down the man he loved cheeks as he gave her one last kiss goodbye, and Gabriel made one more quip to make her chuckle. And then she was gone and it had been as if everything had just broken in Cas. Everything had left him as well. It had taken a long time for Dean to pull him back from that dark time. Back from that edge of suffering and confusion. And that was something he never wanted to do again. Which was why he refused to go into the details of that day with Castiel. He knew enough. He knew what he needed to know.

And Gabriel, who hadn't moved throughout all Dean said found tears streaming down his cheeks as he saw the same scene as Dean had done. Watched in his mind once more as his mom left earth for heaven, and he knew Dean was right. There were certain things it was better for Castiel not to remember.


	26. Chapter 26

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank** **Perdition Raiser, pyroleigh and Guest** **for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So I don't think there are going to be any more flashbacks, but I could be wrong. I think the story will start going forwards from here.**

 **Anyway here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

' _There you are smiling in the same old way_

 _Cause maybe it's your wedding day_

 _I see it_

 _Clear as I can see your face_

 _There's someone who steals your heart away'_

 _Honey Bee – by Louden Swain_

* * *

Castiel spent the next few days processing all Dean had told him, and what he had not said. Once he had returned from the churchyard he had pulled all the photo albums from the shelf until he found the ones which covered his mother's illness. He knew that they were the right ones because as he turned the pages he could see her getting progressively worse, and in most of the pictures she had a bander on her head where her hair had once been. He obsessed over those photos for hours. Stroking her face which even in it pale and drawn state still had a smile shining upon it and love in her eyes. There were pictures of Naomi with all her family, all her children, including Sam. There was even one where Dean was holding Sam's hair over her head making it look like it was hers and everyone was laughing. Even looking at it brought a smile to Castiel's face, even if he didn't remember the time. Looking at the photos showed him that there were good times, even if his mother had been dying, she had done it with dignity and a smile upon her face. It was just as he imaged she would face such a situation. Castiel was glad his imagination was so close to the truth. Of course he knew the photos were bias. There would not be pictures of the bad days or the horror they had all gone through in that time. But maybe Dean was right. Maybe it would be best if he just focused on the good times that were had. The times he could see every time he turned a page.

* * *

Castiel had asked Dean to not come by for a few days at the end of the last meeting. He needed some time alone to deal with it all. But by the Tuesday morning all he could think of were the words Dean had said his mother had uttered last. The words, that while he may not have remembered hearing them being spoken, he heard in his head in his mother's voice.

 _"Live life to the full, do not mourn my passing but celebrate who I am. Never take anything for granted nor waste a moment. Always love each other."_

They made him realise what he had been doing. He had been hiding from the world. Trying to pretend nothing had changed, but of course it had. He had lost five years of his life. It was time he accepted that and moved forwards. It was time he started to live once more. Time he stopped wasting time wishing things to be different and accepted how they were. Time to stop depending on others and learn to depend upon himself once more.

As such, when the clock struck twelve Castiel pulled on his coat and taking a deep breath walked out of his door, alone. He would not take Gabriel with him. It was time for him to do this alone. Letting out his breath he closed his front door and turned to look at the view in front of him. It was so familiar, but it was different too. The tree across the way had grown from what he remembered, and the neighbours had a swing set that he knew had not been there five years ago. The little girl in the house had barely been a year old when he had left after all, and yet he remembered Gabriel telling him that now she had a brother as well. Yes things had changed, but it was still home. Deep inside him he knew that to be fact. This was still his home.

With that realisation he stepped off the porch and made his way to the side-walk with more spring than he had thought he would have in his steps. He held his head up high and nodded and smiled at the few people he saw as he walked by. Some he recognised, some were strangers to him. But either way he could still be friendly. That was the right thing to do. He was sure that most people knew what had happened by now, they would understand if he didn't recognise them, but the least he could do was make an effort to show he still cared.

He had no destination in mind, he just walked. That was why he was rather surprised when he found himself opposite a garage he remembered as being Singer's auto repair shop. But now it proudly proclaimed its name to be Novak-Winchester's auto repair shop. The words made him smile slightly ruefully as he remembered waking in the hospital and being called Mr Novak-Winchester and not liking it much at all. Since that time he had not thought of his last name, though if asked he would have said it was Novak alone. He had never even considered asking Dean if he had taken Cas' name, but this definitely answered that. Dean had truly loved Cas very deeply. But now was not the time for thoughts of the past.

With that thought he pulled his eyes from the sign to the man bent over the engine of some car. He was wearing scruffy jeans and a tight tee, and while he had his back to Castiel, he still knew who it was. He had spent much time in Dean's presence since waking after all. As such Castiel found himself crossing the road and moving to stand at the man's side.

"Hello Dean." He said in his deep gravelly voice making Dean jump and turn so quickly Castiel was sure he would fall over. And looking he could see a flicker of hope in the other man's eyes which was quickly masked and replaced with his usual sunny smile.

"Hey Castiel." Dean replied in a cheery tone which luckily only he realised was slightly forced. He had been so engrossed in his work he hadn't heard anyone come up to him. So when he had heard Cas' voice, saying the words the man he loved had said so many times in the same situation as the one they were in now, he had forgotten all about what had happened. About how Cas was gone. All he had thought was that he was gonna see the man he loved again. But as soon as he had turned and looked Cas in the eyes he had known it wasn't him. It was Castiel standing at his side. Though why Castiel was here was a mystery, as well as where the hell Gabriel was.

"what ya doin' here Castiel?" Dean asked after he quickly scanned the nearby area and confirmed that Castiel was indeed alone. What was going on?

"I decided to go for a walk. And ended up here." Castiel replied with a shrug smiling up at Dean and enjoying the puzzled look in his eyes. He hadn't realised it before, but he was fed up with being treated like an invalid. He was a full grown man. It was time Dean and Gabriel both remembered that.

"Where's Gabriel?" Dean asked still confused. Because Castiel did not go for walks alone. I mean he was scared to go to church alone and that was always the place Cas had felt the safest, surely Castiel felt that way too. So what was going on?

"I imagine in my old room working. Why? Do you prefer my brothers company to mine?" Castiel asked innocently though there was a twinkle in his eyes which Dean recognised as soon as he saw it and it made him chuckle.

"Hell no, just…" Dean responded still smiling, but unsure how to brooch the subject of Castiel's recent behaviour and wish to stay away from the real world.

"I am cable of doing things on my own Dean. I felt it was time I exercised that ability." Castiel responded cutting in before Dean could find the words. He knew what he was implying, and he had been afraid of coming outside. Of making himself see the proof of all that had changed. But that was then, this was now. Now he was ready to look forwards, and not back, or at least that was his plan.

"Right then. So what's next on your solo adventure?" Dean asked casually, leaning back against the car he had been working one and picking up the rag and wiping his hands. He hadn't realised how dirty they were before now, so surprised by seeing Castiel that nothing else had mattered. But now he felt his should probably at least try to be semi-clean.

"I honestly have no idea." Castiel responded leaning next to him and tilting his head up towards the sun in an unconscious gesture that reminded Dean painfully of Cas. He had always done that when they had had a period of rain, or cold. Glorying in the suns appearance.

"Well I was thinking of breaking for lunch if ya want to join me. We can sit at separate tables if you wish." Dean replied jokingly as he swallowed the lump he had caught in his throat at the thought of Cas. This wasn't Cas, just he had some of his mannerisms, that was all.

"Don't be silly Dean, and yes, I would like that very much." Castiel responded smiling brightly up at the man next to him. Happy and excited about the idea of another adventure. Yes he would like to have lunch with Dean.

The smile was one Dean could do nothing but return, feeling happy himself that he had been able to put it upon Castiel's face. He had seen too much pain on it recently, they needed some light hearted times. Times where they could get to know each other, Castiel, him and him, Castiel.

"Right well, let me just wash up and we'll go." Dean replied gently pushing away from the car and gesturing towards the back of the garage where they had a wash room.

"Okay." Responded Castiel already turning back to tilting his head skywards with closed eyes and a peaceful smile upon his face.

It was an image Dean knew would stay with him long after this day was over. The image of Castiel for the first time seemingly at peace with the world he had woken to find himself in. It was an image that tugged at something inside of Dean, something he wasn't ready to think about or recognise. But it was something that was there. It had always been there. And it would always be there.


	27. Chapter 27

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank Perdition Raiser, rainystv and** **for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here sit he next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

"So where do you wanna go?" Dean asked Castiel coming out from cleaning himself up and pulling on his plaid shirt.

"I don't mind." Castiel replied with a smile. He was looking forward to going anywhere with Dean. It would be nice to talk about things other than the past with the man. Get to know him better.

"Well Ellen does the best burgers in town up at the Roadhouse." Dean suggested in an offhanded manor. Not wanting to mention that he and Cas had gone there for lunch at least once a week before everything had happened. He didn't want Castiel to feel uncomfortable, and Dean knew he could count on Ellen to not say anything.

"That sounds good." Castiel agreed happily. He remembered Ellen, and her cooking. The Roadhouse had always been somewhere good to go and eat and he felt it would be a good place to continue his new outlook of thinking about the future and not the past.

With that Dean lead Castiel over to the impala and drove them both to the bar, making sure his music wasn't blaring. Cas had always been happy to allow him to play it at whatever volume he wanted, but this wasn't Cas, and he did not want to upset Castiel. This was a new thing for them, and he was cautiously looking forward to it.

* * *

Ellen was cleaning down a table when the door opened and Dean walked in. but it wasn't just Dean, he had Cas with him. No not Cas, Castiel. Ellen needed to remember that. This was not the man who had come in with his husband so regularly he had become family.

"Dean, Castiel, how lovely to see you both." She said moving towards them and leaning in to give Dean a quick hug, though she sensibly just gave Castiel's arm squeeze.

"You to Ellen." Dean replied, returning the hug with extra force. He had registered how she had said Castiel and not Cas, and for that he was grateful. Seemed she remembered they conversation.

Once he let go of the woman he turned to the man who was at the bar reading some musty book. "Bobby." He nodded with a smile.

"what ya doin' here? Running my business into the ground no doubt." Bobby grumbled, though there was a smile on his face for both the boys who had come in.

"Tsk, don't listen to him. Come grab a table and tell me what you want." Ellen interrupted before Dean could return the banter. She knew those two once they started it was very hard to get them to stop.

With that she guided both Dean and Castiel to a table at the back which was partially hidden from the rest of the bar. It gave them a little privacy, and it was something Castiel was grateful for. He may be happy to be friendly to people, but he would prefer to not be accosted while having lunch with Dean.

"So what will it be?" She asked once they were both sat, and Castiel turned to look at Dean with wide eyes. He didn't really know what he wanted, mainly because he had no idea what it was Ellen did any more, though Dean said something about burgers, right?

Dean saw the alarm in Castiel's eyes and turned to Ellen with an easy smile, even if she and him could both recite their order without thought. This was not Cas.

"Can we get a menu?" He asked cutting his eyes briefly to Castiel making Ellen suddenly understand and realise what an idiot she had been.

"Of course." She replied with a friendly smile before making her way to the bar to collect them. It was then that Castiel realised what Ellen had just implied.

"You came here a lot with Cas, didn't you?" He asked in a gentle tone. the town was small after all, there was no doubt many places Dean had been with Cas that they might well go together, it was something he was going to have to accept.

"Yeah." Dean responded not sure what else to say. He fingers subconsciously going to the ring on his finger and winding it round. A ring whose match was at Castiel's house, somewhere. It shouldn't be hidden away or buried, but neither did Castiel feel it should be on his finger. In fact he was pretty sure he would never feel able to where Cas' wedding ring, even if he and Dean did get together. It was a thing of the past, though Dean still wearing his told him it was a past the other man was not yet ready to let go of. He could accept that. Dean had loved Cas so very much, he couldn't be expected to throw it away so soon. In fact Castiel felt he would not approve if Dean did. But that did bring the other ring to mind. It did not belong to him. It belonged to the man opposite him, a memento of the man he loved. But that was not a conversation for now, and Castiel would prefer to turn away from memories and look to the now instead.

"I can see why. This place is much more relaxed and… homely than I remember. You seem to know Ellen well." He said turning the conversation skilfully to the bar and away from Cas.

"Yeah, we got close when I started working for Bobby. They've been real good to me." Dean replied relaxing at the change of conversation. He was glad Castiel didn't want to discuss Cas. Now was not the time. They were here to have a nice lunch together. To enjoy each other's company, and get to know each other once more.

Before Castiel could reply Ellen returned with two menus and gave one to each of them with a smile. She knew Dean knew what he wanted, but she also knew he would not want Castiel to feel uncomfortable being the only one having to choose.

"Can I get you drinks while you decide?" she asked to two bent heads.

"I'll have a soda." Dean replied easily.

"I'll have the same." Agreed Castiel.

With that Ellen went off to get the drinks and left the two men to discussing the merits of the various items on the menu. Though when she got behind the bar she saw her husband was watching the couple with a frown on his face.

"What's up?" She asked while working.

"He's not Cas, is he?" Bobby asked turning to her still frowning. It was strange. Dean had told them of the change, and Sam had as well. But it wasn't until now that he truly understood what they had meant.

"No, he's not. But he cares for Dean." Ellen responded with a sigh. She had seen it as soon as she looked into his eyes. He was the nice boy she had watched grow up. The boy who was planning on moving to New York with his brother, he was not the one who had experienced love and lose. But even so, when she caught him looking at Dean, she saw a spark of the old Cas there. She just hoped he was willing to let that spark grow, and that Dean would respond to it. There was still a chance of love between those two. She just hoped they realised it.

* * *

Once Dean and Castiel had ordered exactly what Ellen and Dean had known they would, burgers for them both though Dean's with extra onions, the two men settled in to casual conversation.

"So how's Gabriel getting on? Driving you up the wall yet?" Dean asked with a chuckle. He knew how annoying Gabriel could be when he wanted to be, and he doubted he enjoyed being stuck in the house all the time with Castiel, even if he was his brother and he loved him. Gabriel liked his own space.

"No actually, he is being very… helpful. How is living with Sam?" Castiel asked not wanting to expand on how Gabriel had helped him adjust, how he had helped him come to terms with everything. He would not have expected his brother to ever be the one who could help him, but he had. He had been there for him, whenever he wanted him.

"It's good but…" Dean replied trailing off as he remembered where he had lived before he moved in with Sam, and who he had lived with. But now was the time for that.

"But?" Castiel probed. He wondered how Dean was really doing living with his brother. He was well aware he had kicked him out of his own home. He didn't want to think Dean was unhappy, but if he was, then Castiel would try to think of something he could do to help him. That was the least he could do after all.

"The dude's hair get everywhere. And I mean everywhere. In the sink, the plug-holes, the furniture. He moults more than a friggin' dog." Dean replied with a cheeky smile, turning from thoughts of the past and coming up with a convenient excuse for his reservations.

"I think I will tell him you said that. Compared him to a dog." Castiel responded with a chuckle at the idea. He doubted Sam Winchester would be too happy with that comparison.

"Na, I think he's more Shaggy than Scooby." Dean replied with an attempt at a serious expression, though his eyes were twinkling so Castiel knew he was joking, but still, he had been taking a sip of his drink when Dean spoke those words.

"Did you just compare your brother to Shaggy from Scooby-Do?" He asked spluttering on his drink in amusement.

"Hell yeah. Though he only seems to eat salad and healthy shit. I mean seriously, the guy needs to get a decent diet." Dean exclaimed, enjoying the look of amusement he was putting on Castiel's face and as such expanding on the theme for all it was worth.

"Of what, burgers?" Castiel asked sweetly a smile appearing on his face that he knew he would not be able to remove for anything. Dean was highly entertaining.

"Burgers and pie are vital food groups Castiel." Dean replied seriously with a look as if he was imparting extremely important information to the other man.

"I think I'll take you word for that." Castiel responded echoing Dean's serious tone and expression, even if there was a twinkle of fake condescension in his words.

"Good, cos I'm always right." Dean proclaimed sitting up straight.

"Really? Is that so?" Castiel asked trying his hardest to keep a straight face, though he felt he was failing.

"Hell yeah, I'm awesome." Dean leaned in to whisper as if he was sharing some sort of secret.

"Very well. You are Dean, The Awesome." Castiel intoned in his deep voice as if he was declaring Dean king, getting into the mood of the conversation.

"You know it." Dean replied with a wink and a smirk on his face, loving every minute of his and Castiel's interactions.

It was at that point there food arrived and conversation was in short supply as they both dived into the burgers. Though watching Dean managed to get his mouth around the gigantic burger Castiel wondered if Dean wouldn't be better suited for the roll of Shaggy, not that he said it out loud. He didn't want to be rude.

And once they had finished their main course Dean insisted they both have pie, it being vital to life in his mind.

It was in this way they pasted a happy lunch, falling into a friendship they had not really experienced before, what with Castiel's wish to learn the past. No this was just the two of them being themselves, and chatting about inconsequential things. And when Dean drove Castiel home and they said goodbye, though not before arranging to meet the next day, they both had genuine smiles on their faces reflecting the good time they had had in each other's company. It was a corner stone in there new relationship, not that either thought of it as such. To them it was more the beginnings of a connection, a friendship, between who they were now.


	28. Chapter 28

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank Pbmolecules** , **Perdition Raiser, rainystv and for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel's first thought upon entering the house was that he needed to find Cas' wedding ring so that tomorrow he could give it to Dean. The second was the realisation that he had no idea where it was. When he had come home from the hospital he hadn't really been very interested in 'his' personal effects, and had therefore given them to Gabriel to deal with. He had not wanted anything to do with Cas at that time. Hopefully Gabriel had put it somewhere sensible, and he still remembered where that was.

Walking up to what had once been his bedroom but was now Gabriel's office Castiel rapped gently on the open door, making Gabriel head co me up.

"Hey Cassie, what's up?" Gabriel asked smiling up at his brother.

"I was wondering if you knew where Cas' wedding ring is." Castiel responded simply making Gabriel's mouth drop open.

"Why?" Gabriel asked in complete shock. Why was his brother looking for his wedding ring? Was it possible he was thinking of putting it back on? Of getting back with Dean-o?

"I wish to return it to Dean." Castiel replied. He had not expected his words to make Gabriel's face become so crestfallen, but all that did was make him roll his eyes. His brother couldn't have really expected him to return to wearing a ring he didn't even remember being given, now could he.

"Do you know where it is Gabriel?" Castiel asked again when his brother didn't reply to his explanation.

"Yeah." Gabriel finally said, pulling himself away from the sad feelings he had about the idea of Dean-o and Cassie not being together. But it was his brothers life, and his brothers choice. With that he reached into the draw at his side and pulled out a velvet box holding it up to Castiel.

"Here you are."

"Thank you Gabriel." Castiel replied taking the box and moving away from his brother, leaving him to his work. And Gabriel just found himself sighing. But maybe Dean could find a way of getting Castiel back. Of getting Castiel to once more have that ring on his finger.

* * *

Castiel sat on his bed and gently opened the box and took out the silver ring nestled inside and held it up to the light so he could examine it. The inscription inside caught his eye and when he saw what it said he smiled.

 _With love forever bound together._

It was a beautiful sentiment, but the ring was still just a ring. He didn't remember ever wearing it, or choosing the words written inside. Yes this definitely did not belong to him. With that he placed it gently back into the box and shut the lid. He would return it to its true home the next day.

* * *

Dean walked up the path of the front door of his home with a spring in his step that he hadn't had before. Because he knew that this visit he wasn't gonna have to retell any stories, or think about the man he loved. No, this was just a day he was gonna spend with Castiel, take his friend on his next adventure, and Dean couldn't wait.

He went to let himself in but the door was thrown open by Castiel before he could even get the key to the lock.

"Waiting for someone Castiel?" Dean asked with a twinkle in his eyes as he smiled at the man who already had his coat on ready to leave, not that Dean knew where they were going.

"Yes, the man of my dreams, but I guess you'll have to do." Castiel responded cheekily, smiling up at Dean so he knew it was just a joke. In truth he had been waiting for the man of his dreams and now he was here, but no need to jump ahead of himself. Dean wasn't ready to move on and Castiel could accept that. He was happy being his friend, for now.

"Ha ha, very funny. What we doing today then?" Dean replied with a roll of his eyes at Castiel's joke, but he couldn't help returning the smile the man gave him as they walked down the path towards his car.

"I would like to go shopping to buy food. I wish to cook dinner for Gabriel as a way of saying thank you to him for all he has done for me." Castiel responded simply as he climbed into the passenger seat of Dean's car.

"Sounds good." Dean agreed as he started the engine. He knew Gabriel had done a lot for Castiel since he came out of hospital, and no doubt a lot more that he didn't know. Yeah his brother-in-law deserved a thank you for his love and support, though he doubted Gabriel would agree.

"You are welcome to join us as well Dean, and Sam to of course." Castiel responded casting Dean a shy look across the car. He would like to get to know Sam, he hadn't spent much time with the man after all, and when he had, he hadn't exactly been in the best of moods. Yes it was time to get to know Dean's brother as well the man himself.

"Yeah. I'd like that, we both would." Dean replied smiling gently back at Castiel. The idea of the four of them sitting down to dinner was good. It was something he and Cas had done with their brothers regularly, it would be good to try to bring back that fun and enjoyment they had all had together. It wouldn't be the same of course, Castiel would be there rather than Cas, but it would still be good. Be a move forwards in this new life of theirs.

"Excellent." Castiel responded turning to look out of the window absently cataloguing the changes as they drove. And all the while his hand was in his pocket stroking the velvet box he held there. He had planned on giving it to Dean as soon as he had arrived, but something had stopped him. Maybe it had been the charming smile the other man had given him, or maybe it was because he did not want to bring up the past and ruin their time together. But either way he knew that before Dean left, he was going to have to hand the ring back to him, and hope he understood why he was doing it. But he was sure Dean would. He was sure Dean would see where he was coming from.

Dean and Castiel returned to the house with bags of groceries all ready for them to turn into master pieces of food. Castiel found it strange at first that while he was unsure of where anything was in his kitchen, Dean knew exactly. But he soon found himself slipping into a synchronisity with Dean, both moving as one as they worked and yet neither finding the need to talk much. It seemed in fact that Dean could read his mind on occasion, because before he could even ask for certain things, Dean had already got them out and had them ready for him. It was nice and relaxing and somehow so familiar, even if from his point of view, they had never done this before. It seemed his unconscious mind remembered doing these domestic things with Dean, just as his body had remembered the other man's. And Castiel was very willing to let the thoughts go and just be. Let the familiarity surround him in a comfort he didn't understand and offer a safety he didn't recognise. All he knew was he liked it, whatever it was.

* * *

Dean knew what Castiel wanted to cook as soon as he had started taking things from the shelves at the grocery store. As such when they returned to the house he moved around the kitchen he knew so well and made sure they had everything they needed. He didn't even think about doing it, or how Castiel might feel about it. All he knew was the joy of being back home, back in his kitchen, doing what he had done so many times before. Cooking dinner with the man he loved. Yeah okay he wasn't with Cas, but he wasn't consciously defining that. In fact the difference between Cas and Castiel had slipped from his mind. Or maybe it was more that the line that separated them had, if only temporarily, blurred. Maybe it was due to the relaxing lull doing something so ordinary created in his mind, or the familiarity of his surroundings, but for that short time in their kitchen he didn't see one or the other, but he saw them both. He saw Cas in the movements and the recipe, and he saw Castiel in the slight frowns when he was trying to find what he needed next. He watched the other man flow between the two with ease, and he accepted both. And for the first time he started to see that which academically he had always known to be true. Castiel and Cas were indeed the same man.


	29. Chapter 29

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank** **Kennedy (Guest) and Perdition Raiser** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Gabriel came down from his office, enticed by the smells coming from the kitchen. They were ones he recognised as his mom's signature dish, and he knew that only Cas would be cooking it. Though where he got the ingredients from Gabriel had no idea. He certainly hadn't brought them when he had done the shopping that week. Of course that question was answered when he got to the door of the kitchen and saw Dean there as well. He stood there and watched as his brother-in-law put his hand casually on Castiel's hip as he reached round him to get at the utensils, and he watched as Castiel turned his head to Dean and smiled. He had seen them do this before, in times past when it was Dean-o and Cas in their own kitchen, and he knew that the next step had always been Dean-o lowering his lips gently to his brothers before moving away again and returning to what he had been doing. But that didn't happen this time. No this time Dean-o just returned the smile before moving back to his work space. But at least seeing them together, seeming them like this, it gave Gabriel hope that maybe Dean and Castiel would get back together eventually. It was a hope he hadn't had since Castiel had come to tell him he was returning his wedding ring. Hmm, he wondered if he had done that yet. He hoped not, he hoped his brother changed his mind. He and Dean-o were perfect together, always had been and always would be.

"Hello Gabriel, we're making dinner." Castiel said when he turned and saw his brother leaning against the doorframe watching them.

"Really? And there I was thinking you were making rocket." Gabriel replied with a smirk for his brother causing Castiel to just roll his eyes at him and deciding that that did not deserve any other kind of response.

"Want me to lay the table?" Gabriel asked offering an olive branch for his previous comment. Only polite right? He couldn't just stand there and watch, well he could, but he really shouldn't.

"Yes please. Make sure you lay a space for Sam too. He will be joining us." Castiel responded with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes that Gabriel hadn't seen in a while. It seemed the idea of meeting Dean's brother, properly and for the first time, was something Castiel was looking forward to. Good, if he wanted to meet Dean-o's family then that must mean he liked the guy. And like could easily turn into love.

"Right then. Little Sammy, Dean-o and Cassie, got it." Gabriel sang as he grabbed the cutlery and plates for them all.

"Little? You do realise he's like twice the size of you right?" Dean asked with a shake of his head. I mean Gabriel was the shortest of them all.

"Semantics." Gabriel replied airily as he moved around getting everything set up for the family dinner. He was looking forward to this. It had been too long since the four of them had sat down together. He hadn't realised how much he had missed being a part of that family until now, when he had a chance at getting it back.

* * *

Sam arrived just as Dean and Castiel were serving everything up. Perfect timing in his mind, he missed all the work and got to enjoy the food. And so the four of them settled down to have a happy, friendly dinner, which while different from the ones they had had before, what with Castiel having no knowledge of the ones of the past or the conversations they had already had. It still held a familiarity about it. A familiarity that soon had everyone laughing and talking and relaxing over the good food. It also gave Sam another chance to tell Castiel all the embarrassing stories he had of Dean, and well, he couldn't past up an opportunity like that now could he?

The evening past in a whirl of fun and Castiel found himself enjoying Sam's company almost as much as he did Dean's, though without any attraction for the younger man. But he did like Dean's brother, and he would be happy to further there acquaintance. But as all good times do, the evening had to come to an end. Dean and Sam had to make their way back to Sam's apartment and Castiel and Gabriel to their respective beds. But before Dean left Castiel remembered the velvet box that was in his coat pocket. The box he needed to return, and he needed to do it now. Luckily Sam and Dean both had their cars there, as such when Castiel asked if he could speak to Dean privatively his brother went on without him. Telling him he would see him back home.

"So Castiel, what's up?" Dean asked when the outer door had closed behind his brother and Castiel had pulled the living room door to so Gabriel could not hear what he had to say.

"I wanted to return this to you Dean." Castiel replied holding out the velvet box. The velvet box Dean would recognise anywhere, the velvet box which he knew contained Cas' wedding ring. What was Castiel trying to say?

"Why?" Dean asked round the lump in his throat, not reaching out for the box. Not sure he could take it. Did this mean Castiel wanted a divorce? Yeah okay he knew they weren't being married, hell he wasn't even sure what he and Castiel were, and he still didn't know what he wanted them to be. But he had liked the idea that maybe, someday, they could be something. But Castiel returning the ring made it feel so final to Dean. Made it feel as if his marriage was well and truly over. Made it seem that Cas really was gone.

"This belongs to you Dean, it does not belong to me." Castiel replied reaching out for Dean's hand and placing the box securely in it.

"But-" Dean started to say staring down at the box in his hand as if it was an alien object. He had no idea what it was he wanted to get across though. His mind was a whirl of conflicting emotions and thoughts and he had no idea which was the dominate one. There were so many. The finality of it… the proof that Cas was never coming back… the idea that Castiel didn't like him, it was all too much for his mind right then, like two sides of him fighting and pulling for his attention. His feelings for Cas and his feelings for Castiel.

"Dean. I am not saying that I wouldn't like for us to be more in the future, but if I ever marry, it will be with a ring of my choosing, not one that has no meaning to me. Do you understand?" Castiel asked reaching for Dean's chin and pulling his head up so he could look him in the eyes. He could see all the swirls of thought behind those green eyes he had come to care for, and he hated to be the one to put the pain and confusion in them. But this needed to be done, and not just for him, but for Dean as well. He needed to accept the man he loved was not coming back. Cas was dead, and Dean needed to mourn him before he could move on.

Dean looked into Castiel's blue eyes and he thought he understood what Castiel was saying, that Cas was dead and gone. That Castiel was the one who was here now, and if he and Castiel ever got married it would be with different rings, because he was a different man. But he wasn't. It hit Dean like a ton of bricks as he stared into Castiel's eyes and saw emotions and feelings he knew as well as his own. Cas wasn't dead, he was standing right in front of him. He might not have the memories of their time together, but he was still the man he loved. Inside he was very much the same man. And that realisation was something Dean had no idea what to do with right then, hell he could barely remember to breathe through it. So instead he nodded.

"Yeah, I understand Castiel. I do." He finally murmured not being able to stop his free hand raising to cup Castiel's cheek. A cheek he knew so well, just like he did the rest of the man in front of him. He wanted to kiss him, to kiss Cas, but he didn't. Because he couldn't. Because Castiel did not see what Dean did, that Cas was alive in him. But still… it wasn't the same Cas. This was all too damn confusing.

With that thought Dean stroked Castiel's cheek gently with his thumb before turning towards the door and leaving with a smile. He needed to get his head sorted before he could even try to work out where they went now. Where he and Castiel were now, or where he wanted them to be in the future.

And Castiel watching Dean leave from the doorway felt a sigh fall from his lips. He had no idea what had gone through Dean's head during that conversation, but all he could think about was the feel of the man's hand on his cheek and the soft stroke of his thumb. The warmth was still there, tingling on his skin, to remind him of that gentle touch. The gentle touch that he knew he wanted more of, if only he could get it. If only he could help Dean get over Cas. It was strange to know that he would have to help the man he cared for move on from his former self before he had a chance with him. Oh god, he hoped he still had a chance.


	30. Chapter 30

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank rainystv and Perdition Raiser** **for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean sat on the bed in Sammy's spare room with a glass of whiskey in one hand and Cas' wedding ring in the other. He held it carefully, but also so he could read the inscription inside, an inscription that was matched inside the ring on his own finger. Taking a large gulp of his drink he tried to work though his feelings. Work out what they actually were, rather than just a massive ball of things screaming at him in his head and in his heart… Not that it was working at all well.

Right time to look at the facts then. Castiel had returned the ring. He was basically saying that he did not believe himself to be married Dean. Okay, Dean could maybe deal with that, even if it did feel like someone had punched through his chest and grabbed hold of his heart and squeezed it hard. He could deal with it. He could at least kinda understand where the guy was coming from, academically at least. I mean Castiel didn't actually know him or remember any of their time together, so yeah, Dean could accept that Castiel believed they weren't married, even if he was wrong, Dean could let that one slide and keep the hurt and pain inside.

Then there was the things Castiel said, about how if he got married it would be a ring of his choosing, telling Dean that it was obvious the guy was ready to move on with his life. Now here Dean was a bit fuzzy, bit he liked to think he had more than a better chance of being the one Castiel moved on with. Which meant if he and Castiel ever got married they would have new wedding rings, and they would do the whole dance again. But he could do that. he could go through all that rigmarole again, if that was what the man he loved wanted, then Dean knew he would do it all again without a thought. If it was what the man he loved wanted…

There see, that was the bit that was throwing him so much through the friggin' hoop. The bit his head and heart couldn't agree on, or understand. The bit that was driving him to refill the whiskey glass and take another large gulp, all the while not taking his eyes from Cas' wedding ring in his hand.

He had long ago accepted mentally that Castiel was Cas, but he had never really seen it. Never been able to equate what was in his mind with the man in front of him, until today… today he hadn't even paid attention to the differences. What did that mean? Did it mean his heart was finally accepting the truth? That Castiel was Cas? Or was he so desperate for that to be true he was starting to believe it? Or maybe he was forgetting his husband, the man who had worn this ring, in favour of the person who was still there? Was he betraying his wedding vows by liking Castiel? Especially as Castiel did not consider himself his husband any more. But…

If he worked with that theory, the theory Castiel seemed to believe, then Cas was dead. But he wasn't, he had seen him. Earlier in the kitchen and at dinner, he had seen the man he loved as clear as day. Cas wasn't dead, he couldn't be. Dean didn't know what he would do if he was. Because he wasn't. He was just… different.

Of course both these scenarios threw up complications for any chance of a relationship with Castiel, if he was even ready for that.

If he accepted completely, head and heart, that Castiel was Cas, then he would have to find a way to convince said man of that fact as well. Because Castiel returning Cas' ring showed him clearly he still did not think of himself as the same man. He would have to find a way to show Castiel he was Cas, at heart. That he was still the man Dean loved, still the man he had married, but he would need to do it in such a way that Castiel did not think he wanted him to become Cas. Make Castiel see that it wasn't only Cas he wanted. Damn, that sounded so freakin' complicated.

On the other hand, if he accepted Castiel was a different man to Cas, then to be with him Dean would have to let go of Cas. Take off the ring on his finger and move on, pretend to no longer be married. Pretend to be over the love of his life. Pretend he was fine moving on with a man who had Cas' face but not his memories. He would have to start anew, and shut out all thoughts of Cas from his mind. Forget he had ever known the man so he could learn to love another. No. he couldn't do that. He couldn't do any of that. He could never stop loving Cas. He never would stop loving him.

And so his mind went round and round as he drank more and more whiskey and he stared at the wedding ring in his hand. And no matter how many times he thought about it, he still could not see the woods for the trees. He could still not see a clear path through this mess, through his thoughts. Through what he wanted, what Castiel might want, what Cas would want him to do.

Dean fell asleep that night without finding a resolution in his mind, and definitely without peace. But the one thing he did have as he lay his weary head down on the pillow was Cas' wedding ring clutched tightly in his hand. It was held so tightly that when he woke the next morning the ring had left an imprint on his palm. An imprint that told him one thing clearly. He was not ready to remove his own wedding ring, he was not ready to let go of Cas and what they had, not yet. He would just have to go with the flow. See what happened, and where the path he and Castiel were walking would lead them. Maybe one day he would be ready to take the next step, but that day was not today. No today he would be Castiel's friend. Develop what they had so recently found. Take each day as it came, and see.

He had no idea what the future would bring after all, he only knew the here and now, and what he was ready for in the present. He would worry about the future tomorrow.


	31. Chapter 31

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank Guest and Perdition Raiser for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So we are now moving away from the angst and into some fluffy good times. I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

 _'But you will always be my ballerina_

 _Dancing like we only have ourselves_

 _And you fly around me, swaying next to me_

 _The world brand new awaits you, wait for me…'_

 _Honey Bee – By Louden Swain_

* * *

Castiel and Dean fell into a new routine in the time that followed Castiel's first adventures out on his own. Dean went back to working at the garage during the day, and in the evenings he would usually come round to visit Castiel. They would either cook dinner together, or Dean would bring them take-out. It was a friendly relaxed atmosphere, that on the surface was very simpler to how they had spent most evenings before Cas had gone into the hospital. Except that they were re-watching movies Dean had seen before. He remembered all of Cas' favourites, and enjoyed showing them to Castiel, seeing him experience them all for the first time, again.

During the day Castiel had found he got bored stuck in the house and as such had asked Chuck if there was anything he could do to help out around the church, giving his life a purpose he felt it needed now that he had accepted that this was how it was. Chuck had been very happy to have Castiel back again, there was always something for him to do, either in the church or the local community, and he knew just the sort of things Castiel would be good at. They were the things Cas used to do, not that anyone said it, but Castiel knew he had stepped into his previous role, or the role of the previous man. Either way it made him happy and made him feel as if his day was full and his time well spent. It gave him a purpose he truly needed.

Gabriel, seeing Castiel moving on and filling his days as he had done before, decided it was time for him to return to work, go back to his office rather than working out of the spare room. Though he didn't think it was yet time for him to move out. In truth he was rather enjoying living with Cassie once more. He had never appreciated the previous times he had done it, but now he could enjoy his evenings with Dean-o and Castiel, watching random movies and eating good food. Dean-o really was a damn good cook. He enjoyed getting to know his brother as he was now in a way he never had before. It was strange, but since Castiel had come out of the hospital Gabriel had found that they were closer than they had ever been before. And for that Gabriel was grateful, even if he hated how it had come about. He could not stop himself from seeing the silver lining of it all. For him at least. He had the brother he had never completely known he had, and he loved it.

And so time moved on. Dean forgot about 'tomorrow' and just enjoyed the days with Castiel. He still wore his wedding ring, but he almost forgot it was there most of the time. He was having fun with a friend. A friend who became more and more familiar to him, not that he noticed. Not until one evening when Gabriel had gone out and so it was just him and Castiel and he had decided to introduce the man to Stars Wars, again.

"I do not understand how there could be such a simple flaw in the design of the Death Star." Castiel said at the end of A New Hope. He had enjoyed the movie, but still that seemed a glaring problem in his mind.

"Oh Cas. Its fiction, just accept it." Dean replied with a warm chuckle just as he had five years ago to the man he loved when he had said exactly the same thing at the end of the movie. He hadn't even thought about his words, they had just come out, completely naturally.

"Cas?" Castiel asked sitting up straight and turning to Dean with a frown. He thought they had established he was not Cas. He was Castiel, Dean had called him Castiel ever since… that time they had together. So why was he now calling him Cas?

Dean sat there tensing like a rabbit caught in the headlights as he thought over his words. He had called Castiel Cas. Did that mean he still thought of him as his husband? No. Looking Castiel sitting there straight and worried Dean knew he hadn't mistaken this man for Cas. Because he was Cas. It felt right. Being with him, it felt right. He was Cas.

He was the man he loved no matter what name he went by.

"Yeah, Cas." Dean replied softly hoping the other man would understand.

"I am not Cas, Dean. I am Castiel." Castiel replied hurt that while he had thought they were making progress Dean had obviously not been with him. He was still thinking of him as the man who had been. The man who was gone. The man he would never be.

"Yeah you are. In here." Dean replied moving to place his hand over Castiel's heart. "Inside your Cas. Inside you'll always be Cas. No matter what happens. You're just different on the outside. Cas 2.0." Dean explained as best he could, trying to find the words for that which for the first time he felt deep inside his soul. That this man was the man he loved, would always be the man he loved.

"Does that make me better?" Castiel asked tilting his head to Dean trying to understand what he was saying. The concept of him being Cas 2.0, of Cas being his soul, but him being different from the man Dean had married. It was a strange thing to get his head around.

"No, not better, just… different." Dean replied moving closer to Castiel, his other hand coming up to cup Castiel's cheek, to feel the skin beneath his hand which he knew so well. That he missed, that he now recognised as being his destiny.

Feeling Dean's hand on his cheek Castiel still could not understand what Dean was saying. About Cas being inside him, but he understood that Dean knew he was not the same man he had taken to the hospital, that he had married. That was enough for him, for now at least. With that he leaned towards Dean and sealed his lips on the other mans in a gentle kiss.

This time Dean took the kiss as the first one, not as if he was kissing Cas as he had last time and seen the differences. No, this was his first kiss with Cas 2.0. Knowing this was Cas, but it wasn't. This was his second first kiss with the man he loved and he treated it as such. Kissing Castiel back gently, letting him learn his mouth and tongue as he did the same. Learnt how this man, this version of the man he loved, kissed for the first time.

Castiel kissed back, enjoying the leisurely place they took, learning each other. Enjoying how Dean did not fall into knowing what he liked as he had done the last time they kissed. No this wasn't like then. This was the first kiss between him, Castiel or Cas 2.0, and Dean. A man he knew deep inside he could feel more for than anyone else he had ever meant. And not because Cas had been married to him, or had the perfect life with him. No he felt this because he, Castiel, liked him. He liked Dean, and he knew he could, if given the chance and time, could fall in love with Dean. For himself, for who he was. And it seemed Dean was ready to do the same. He was ready for them to be together as Castiel and Dean. A new relationship, a beginning of a new story, together.

It was perfect.


	32. Chapter 32

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank Perdition Raiser** **for the lovely review.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean walked up to the front door of his and Cas' home feeling naked, and it wasn't because he made sure he had time to go home and shower and change into his least stained clothes before coming here. No he felt naked because as he stood in his brothers spare room, about to leave to see the man he had kissed just the night before, he had slipped off his finger the ring which he had worn since Cas had placed it there. He had removed his wedding ring, placing it in the box beside Cas'. It was time. It was time to stop looking into the past and instead look to his future, his future with the new Cas. The new version of the man he loved. But even though he knew it was the right choice, he still subconsciously felt it there on his finger. He still moved his thumb to spin it round, still expected to feel it press into his skin as he drove.

Yeah. Removing it really did make him feel naked, but he knew if he was to commit to Castiel, then it had to be done. And he was ready to commit.

* * *

Castiel was waiting for Dean to arrive. He was usually here by now, and he was starting to get worried that maybe Dean thought their kiss yesterday had been a mistake. He hoped not. He had spoken to Chuck that day about Dean's Cas 2.0 theory and he felt he finally understood what the man had been saying. His soul was the same one Dean had married, inside he was the same man, even if he didn't feel or know it. As long as Dean did then that was fine. It was Dean who remembered him as Cas after all. It was Dean who needed to see the similarities as well as the differences. He just needed to be himself and accept that Dean's feelings for him might be slightly more complicated than his for the other man. He could do that, and he would be there whenever and however Dean needed him to be. As long as Dean did not regret what they had done. Had not changed his mind that was. He hoped he hadn't. He really did like him, cared for him, enjoyed seeing happiness in his perfect green eyes.

* * *

Dean had done a lot of thinking about what he and Cas were going to do that evening. He knew he couldn't just go round and cook dinner like he had so often of late. Not after they had kissed. No it was time for more. It was time for him and Cas to go on their first proper date.

His first thought had been to take him on a date he knew he would love, to one of the many places that had held special place in Cas' heart. A date he had gone on already more than once in his life. But that felt wrong somehow. This wasn't a rerun of his last relationship, this was something new, and as such he needed to find somewhere new to take Cas. Or at least somewhere that didn't hold any special meaning in his mind and his memories of who Cas had been. It had taken him a while but then he came up with the perfect place, and wondered how he hadn't thought of it before.

There was nowhere in the town where he and Cas hadn't been, there was nowhere that didn't have memories of him and the other man, but not all of them were poignant or important to that relationship. The one Dean now had in mind, while being a place they had shared and enjoyed, they had never made it 'their spot'. It therefore would hold nothing more than warm memories of the times they had visited. It was a place that was ready and waiting for him to share with the new Cas. To make somewhere special for the new them.

* * *

Castiel had started jumping up at every little sound to look out of the window causing Gabriel, who was in the living room with him, to roll his eyes.

"Dean-o'll, be here soon Cassie. Stop worrying. He probably just got held up at work or something." He said trying to placate his brother, though he doubted it would work. After all when he had come back the last evening it was to be greeted by Cassie sitting on at the bottom of the stairs. Before he could even get his coat off his brother had informed him that he and Dean had kissed and that Dean had called him Cas 2.0. Which Gabriel had to give kudos to the other guy for. It was a pretty accurate description in his mind.

"I'm not worrying." Castiel replied absently his head turning towards the window as he was sure he heard a car door slam outside the house.

"No some ones just setting your chair on fire every five seconds making you get up. You'll hear that gas guzzler of his long before you see him. You know that." Gabriel responded with a sigh when Castiel once more jumped up to check outside only to find nothing there.

"Don't be rude about baby." Castiel replied frowning at his brother as he came back to sit down on the couch.

"Not you too. It's just a car." Gabriel muttered in exasperation he would never understand Dean's relationship with the metallic beast he insisted on driving.

At that sentence Castiel turned to glare at his brother for being rude about the thing he knew Dean loved almost as much as he loved his brother.

"Fine I take it back. It is the most marvellous creation of the modern age. Better?" Gabriel said in answer to the glare, but there was a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eyes as he choose to exaggerate.

"Hmm." Castiel responded not sure whether to get into a debate about baby with his brother or not. Luckily he didn't have to think about that because it was at that point he heard the roar of the engine he had come to know so well. Without another word he was up and out of the living room, going to stand by the door. Of course then he had to decide whether to open it to let Dean know he had been waiting for him, or wait for the other man to let himself him. Damn choices, which should he do? Would it seem too keen if Dean knew he was waiting? But would it make Dean think that the kiss was a mistake if he didn't think Castiel was looking forward to seeing him? Why was it suddenly all so complicated?

* * *

Dean got to the door and started to pull out his keys but then thought better of it. This was the new him and Cas. This was a new relationship. He needed to stop behaving as if this place was his home, for now at least. Maybe one day it would be his and Cas' again. But for now this was Castiel's house, and he was a visitor. With that in mind Dean knocked on the door, hoping he had made the right choice.

* * *

The sound of knocking made Castiel jump. He hadn't realised how long he had been standing there trying to decide. Then of course he realised that there had been a knock. Why was Dean knocking? This was his house as well.

"You gonna let him in Cassie or stand there staring at the door?" Gabriel called from the living room doorway where he had moved to when he had heard the knock. He wasn't sure what it meant, but he wanted to make sure he was there for his brother if he needed him.

At that Castiel pushed back his shoulders and took a deep breath before pulling the door open, plastering a smile on his face. A smile which while it had been nervous when he had put it there, as soon as he saw Dean turned sincere and full of affection.

"Hello Dean."

"Hey Cas."

With that neither of them said anything more, they just stood there staring at each other with soft smiles on their faces. Nothing else existed right then, it was just the two of them.

"Helllllllooo. I'm here too." Gabriel interrupted after half a minute of staring. He was going to wait and see how long they could do that for, but he had got bored. Time to move things along and all that. Plus he was hungry, and Castiel had refused to even consider dinner until Dean arrived.

"Gabe." Dean nodded at him moving his eyes to the other man briefly before turning back to Cas and taking a deep breath.

"Cas, I was thinking, maybe you and I could go out tonight." Dean suggested hoping he was making the right decision, hoping that Cas wanted this as much as he did.

"Go out?" Castiel asked tilting his head with a frown. What did Dean mean by 'go out?' was it like two friends going for a beer, or was it something more?

"Yeah, on a date." Dean replied trying to make it come out as a statement though he knew it was more of a question.

"You want to go on a date with me?" Castiel asked hope and joy filling his eyes at the idea. Dean wanted to date him. Him. He wasn't just moving into the relationship he had had with the other Cas. He wanted something new. A first date.

"Well yeah. If you want to that is." Dean replied smiling at the joy he saw in the other man's eyes. Seemed he had made the right choice then. Cas wanted to see where this lead as well. Thank god for that.

"I would like that very much Dean." Castiel replied nodding his head enthusiastically before grabbing his coat and putting it on and pulling Dean out of the door towards his car.

"You two kids have fun now, and remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do." Gabriel called after the retreating couple with a genuine smile on his face. It seemed Cassie and Dean-o were well on their way to getting back together. Good, that was the only thing missing from Cassie's new life in his mind.

"Well that gives us a lot of scope then doesn't it?" Castiel sassed back at his brother, grinning wildly at him making Gabriel chuckle. Yep, this was definitely a good thing. It could only get better from here right? Surely they had gone through the worst and come out the other side by now, right? Oh god, he hoped so.


	33. Chapter 33

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank** **Perdition Raiser, rainystv and Guest** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean drove him and Cas down the road, tapping his hands on the steering wheel of his baby in time with the music. It was perfect, he just hoped Cas liked where he was taking him. He really hoped that he enjoyed what Dean had planned.

Castiel sat in the passenger seat and watched the world fly by the window. He was confused, he did not recognise where he and Dean were going. What was the other man up to? Turning to ask Dean about their destination he found, as he opened his mouth to speak, his eyes catching something which stopped the words from forming. Deans hands were bare. Both of them. It was gone, the last reminder of his relationship with the other Cas was no longer there. And Castiel could only think of one reason for that to be so, that and the fact they were on their first date. Dean was ready to move on. He was his for the taking.

"You're not wearing your wedding ring." He said into the silence causing Dean to turn to him. He wanted to make sure his conclusion was the correct one before he allowed himself to be completely happy.

"Yeah, well, you know…" Dean replied trailing off as he realised he couldn't find the words to explain why he had removed it. Instead he just smiled softly at the man next to him, hoping Cas would understand all he could not say.

"Yes." Castiel replied seeing the smile and returning it. Seeing such a look directed at him, for him, it made Castiel feel warm inside. It made a joy burst forth in him at the knowledge that Dean had taken of his ring for him.

"Where are we going?" Castiel asked returning his eyes to the view out of the front window as he returned the conversation to his original line of thought, before he had been distracted.

"You'll see." Dean replied simply. He wasn't gonna tell Cas, he would find out soon enough.

Dean drove out of the town making Castiel suddenly realise that he knew their destination, but when they came to a fork in the road and he had presumed they would turn left, Dean turned right. This confused him, why were they going this way? He watched as they drove up the side of the hills that surrounded the town. The hills he did not know, the ones he had very rarely ever visited in his life. Mainly because this side of the valley was not readily accessible from his home if you were walking. It was too far away for him to have investigated as a child, and when he grew and learnt to drive, he still preferred to visit the place he knew. The place he had made his own. But it seemed Dean was taking him somewhere new. Was it new to the man next to him as well? Or was this a place he had been with the other him? No, if he had been the one to bring Dean here for the first time, he would have shown him the other hill. Shown him his special place. He would have had no reason to bring Dean over here.

Before Castiel could try and work out any more Dean pulled off the road and into a field at the top of the hill they had been driving up. With a smile to his passenger Dean got out, hoping Cas would follow him. He did.

Castiel climbed out of the car and moved so he could take in the view of the town below them and the hills on the other side of the valley. Even from here he could see his favourite spot, his favourite place to go and think. He hadn't been there since he woke in the hospital, he really should visit it at some point. But now was not the time to be thinking that. Dean had brought him here for their first date.

"I haven't spent much time up here." Castiel said turning to find Dean leaning against the front of his car watching him.

"It's good to get a different perspective I think." Dean replied with a shrug, hoping Cas would understand why they were this side of the valley rather than the other. He hoped he would see where he was coming from.

Castiel looked at Dean with his head tilted as he thought over the words. It was then it fell into place in his mind. Of course Dean had spent time with the other Cas in his special place. No doubt they had made it their special place. But here, this side of the valley, this was a new place for a new them, and it wasn't because he didn't care for him as he did the other Cas. No, it was because he didn't want him to come between them on their first date.

"Different is good." Cas finally responded turning back to look over the new view. He liked it. Yes it was different, but it was still in some ways the same.

"Yeah it is." Dean replied with a sigh of relief as he moved to stand behind Cas and wrap his arms around him. Pulling Cas back against him so he could rest his chin on his shoulder and they could stare out at the view together.

They stayed like that for some time. Just taking in the view and the feel of each other. Castiel revealing in the new feelings he had surging through him at having Dean so close. And Dean just enjoying having Cas once more in his arms. But finally Dean pulled back and stood up straight, he hadn't brought Cas up here just so he could see the view after all.

"I've made a picnic." He said moving back towards the car. Though he wasn't sure picnic was the right word for the food he had. It wasn't anything awesome, but it was things he knew they both liked.

"Really?" Castiel asked following Dean to the trunk and watching with amusement as he pulled out a couple of paper bags and an old blanket.

"Well I made pb & j sandwiches and brought pie." Dean replied holding up the two bags with a cheeky smile hoping Cas wouldn't be pissed at him for not bringing a proper dinner. He hadn't really had much time to plan or cook for that matter.

"The perfect picnic." Castiel responded with a smile of his own. He loved pb & j sandwiches, and he knew Dean felt pie was necessary to life. It really was the perfect combination of food for the both of them.

"Agreed." Dean replied with a nod of his head.

With that he moved to the front of the car once more and handed Cas the bags as he spread the blanket before taking them back and they both sat. Dean then proceeded to serve Cas his food as if it was the best banquet in the world, and Castiel received it as such. Enjoying the playful tone of their time together. It was the same as it had been before they kissed, nothing had really changed except the soft smiles and the casual gentle touches. There was no shyness or embarrassment about this date. It was a wonderful extension of the friendship they had already built between them.

Once the food had been consumed both Dean and Castiel fell into a silence as they looked out at the view of the sun starting to set over the town they called home. But something wasn't quite right in Castiel's mind. He was very happy to sit here with Dean and watch the sunset, in fact it sounded like the perfect way to spend an evening, but he wanted to be touching him as he did so. Therefore he moved so he was now sitting behind Dean, with his legs stretched out either side of the other mans. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around Dean and pull him against his chest as Dean had done to him earlier, resting his chin on Dean's shoulder.

* * *

Dean had been worried when he had seen Cas move. What was wrong? But then he realised he was just moving closer, and that was something Dean certainly didn't want to discourage. So he sat there and waited to see where Cas would choose to sit. Where this Cas would want to be. When he sat behind him Dean relaxed back into the warm chest of the other man with a sigh of peace. This was where he belonged. Where he was meant to be, forever if Cas would let him. Without thought Dean turned his head so he could place a gentle kiss on the corner of Cas' lips, his way of showing him how happy he was.

"Watch the sunset Dean." Castiel murmured even as he smiled at the touch of Dean's lips on his.

"Yes Cas." Dean replied turning back to the view and resting his head against the other mans.

They sat like that watching the sky turn from blue to orange and pink, then purple and finally black when the sun was long gone. And not once did either of them wish to be anywhere else, doing anything else. They had each other and the show in front of them. What more could they ask for?


	34. Chapter 34

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank and Perdition Raiser** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **Sorry for the absence, but I was at a supernatural convention getting my Jensen, Jared and Richard hugs. But I'm back now, and what better way to fight the con blues than doing some writing? I hope you like this chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

The sun had long since set, but still Castiel and Dean were sat on their blanket on the side of the hill, silently taking in the others company. Dean with his head back against Castiel's shoulder so he could study the stars above them, and Castiel with his resting against Dean's as he watched the light come on in the valley below. It was peaceful and perfect and Dean never wanted to move. But then he felt a slight shiver run through the man behind him, the man whose warmth was keeping him toasty.

"We should probably go." He said with a sigh into the silence. He didn't want Cas to be cold after all.

"Probably." Castiel agreed, though rather than let go of Dean he just held him closer, as if he didn't want to lose what he had found. And in truth Castiel didn't. There was something so special about the peace he had with Dean, a time that did not need feeling with useless words. A time to just be.

"Come on Cas, don't want you getting ill." Dean replied when Castiel shivered once more, even if he did try to hide it by holding Dean even tighter.

"I'm fine Dean." Castiel responded, though in truth the night air had started to seep through his coat and touch his skin. He just didn't want the night to end. Their first date.

"Don't make me drag you away Cas." Dean replied turning in his arms so he could lay his warm hand against Cas' chilled cheek.

"Very well, I'll move… for a price." Castiel replied smirking at the man who was still in his arms even if he was now sitting in a sideways position.

"And what price would that be?" Dean asked with a smirk of his own and a raise of his eyebrow. He would happily pay whatever Cas wanted, and he had a feeling he would really enjoy doing so.

"Kiss me Dean." Castiel said simply, his tone going from jokey to sincere. That would make the perfect end to the evening. To share a proper kiss, a kiss that held hints of what could be.

And Dean hearing Cas' tone knew that he had no words to reply to that request. Instead he did as Cas asked and pressed his lips to the other man's, sharing a kiss that was both gentle and tender, as well as holding the passion they both felt for each other, even if that passion was new to one and like coming home to the other.

* * *

Dean pulled his car up outside the house he still felt was home and turned to his passenger.

"I had a great time tonight Dean." Castiel said before Dean could say a word.

"Yeah, me too." Dean nodded in agreement before they once more fell into silence and they both sat there staring at each other, both trying to decide what should happen next. They both wanted Dean to go inside with Cas, to spend the night in the bed he knew so well, but there was also a hesitance at such a thing. Because this was still so very new, this version of them. This version of Cas. It really was too soon to even think of returning to that sort of intimacy with each other, even if it was what both their bodies craved from the other.

"I should go in." Castiel finally said, breaking the tension which was starting to build between them. He couldn't ask Dean to accompany him. He wasn't ready for that, and he doubted Dean was either.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow?" Dean asked nodding his head in agreement and not even suggesting he join Cas. It really was too soon, he needed for this Cas to know how much he cared about him before they made love. He was going to do this the right way round this time.

"I would like that." Castiel responded smiling at Dean as he leaned over and kissed him chastely before climbing out of the car and walking up the path to the front door. He didn't turn around until he was standing under the porch light, a place he could watch Dean drive away from.

Once the impala had disappeared from view Castiel turned and let himself through the door only to be greeted by his brother's dulcet tones.

"I would have thought Dean-o would have at least walked you to the door."

"He didn't need to. The night was perfect." Castiel replied coming into the livingroom and collapsing onto the couch with a dreamy smile on his face.

"You left any stars in the sky Cassie? Cos it seems they've taken up residence in your eyes." Gabriel asked with a cheeky grin making Castiel roll his eyes at him.

"Really? That sounds like a chat up line." Castiel responded smirking as he saw Gabriel's exaggerated shiver at the suggestion.

"I'll leave Dean-o to climbing into your pants thanks." Gabriel replied turning his eyes back to the TV while trying really hard not to picture his brother and brother-in-law together. There were certain things it was definitely best for him not to think about.

Castiel decided that that comment didn't really deserve a reply and instead turned his mind back to his date, remembering every little thing that had happened, everything that had been said and done, cementing it into his mind so he would never forget his time Dean, not again.

* * *

The next morning Castiel rose late, Gabriel had already left for work and so he had the house to himself. He had no plans for that day and so, after last evening, he decided it was time to take a walk. Time to visit his special place upon the hill. Time to return to the views he loved.

It didn't take him long to get where he wanted to go. He remembered the old paths well enough, and it seemed that they were still used, or maybe the other Cas had been still be using them. Still been visiting this inconspicuous piece of grass on the hillside of the valley. To most people it would seem like nothing special. But to him, he knew exactly where to sit so he would be comfortable, knew the exact piece of earth to rest so he could see his town and the view beyond. And sitting there he once more turned his mind to the thing that seemed to have grabbed his thoughts the most. He turned his mind to Dean. He wondered what he would make of this place, if he would see the difference he did or not. But of course he would. He had been here with the other Cas no doubt. In fact Castiel realised that there was probably no place in this town that the other him had not taken the man he loved.

It was then it hit him. He would never get to see that look on Dean's face as he showed him somewhere close to his heart for the first time. Because while it would be a first for him, a momentous event to share such a piece of himself with the other man, it wouldn't be for Dean. For him it would just be a repeat of what had happened before. And that thought hurt. That he would never be able to be the one who shared the secrets of his town with Dean. He was Cas 2.0, he wasn't the first, and he would never have those kind of firsts with Dean. If he brought Dean up here now, he would see recognition in his eyes. No doubt Dean also knew just where to sit so he was comfortable, no doubt he and Cas had spent many hours sitting here as he was now. Being together, happily at peace with each other. Sharing what he and Dean had shared the previous evening. Sharing what he wanted from the other man. Castiel clenched his fists as he felt the surge of jealously going through himself. He knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of the former version of himself, but he still was. No. He had to stop thinking about all the things Dean and Cas had done together, he needed to think of the things he and Dean could do together. Things and places they could make their own. With that thought his eyes automatically went to the hillside opposite him, trying to find the place he and Dean had spent the previous evening. Trying to find the spot that they had had their first date. It took a while, and much longer than he wished it did, but he finally found the gate Dean had driven through, and found the space they had sat to watch the sunset. The place which looking at it he felt in his heart was now his and Dean's place. His and Dean's special piece earth.


	35. Chapter 35

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank and Perdition Raiser for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean arrived that evening coming straight from work. He wanted to see Cas again, they had had such a perfect evening the previous night, he wanted to make sure he wasn't the only one who had felt it. But considering Cas opened the door before he could even knock, he guessed he hadn't.

"Hey Cas." he said with a smile before raising his hand to Cas' cheek so he could tilt his head up and their lips could meet, just as he used to do when the old Cas greeted him at the door when he came home from work. There was no way he couldn't have done it. It was automatic, and in his mind the only way to greet the gorgeous man in front of him.

"Hello Dean." Castiel replied with a smile once there lips parted. He loved that Dean kissed him in greeting without any awkwardness or hesitation. It was perfect in his mind and it made a warm feel wrap around his heart.

"So I brought us steaks for dinner." Dean continued closing the door behind him and holding up the bag which contained the meat.

"I hope you have brought one for Gabriel too." Castiel replied with a smile at Dean's thoughtfulness at bringing dinner for them to share, he loved cooking with Dean, it felt so… right.

"Of course I brought one for Gabriel too." Dean responded with a chuckle. Did Cas think he would forget his brother-in-law was living there at present? Living there instead of him, but no, that was a matter for another day. Cas wasn't ready for that, and in truth, neither was he. Not living with Cas 2.0.

"Glad to hear that Dean-o, would hate to have to kick you out of the house." Came a voice from the livingroom. It seemed Gabriel had been eavesdropping on the conversation, wanting to make sure that Cassie and Dean were on the right track to get back together.

"Behave Gabriel or I'll over cook your dinner." Castiel said smiling sweetly at his brother as he and Dean entered the livingroom.

"You wouldn't dare Cassie." Gabriel responded with a smirk up at his little brother bating him to just try. He loved having these sort of conversations with Castiel, though whether the other man enjoyed them as much as him he had no idea. Not that it mattered, he was his older brother, and it was his job to wind him up.

"Just try me." Castiel replied sweetly, but now there was a predatory look in his eye which made Gabriel chuckle.

"Okay, Cas why don't you and I go and cook dinner while we leave Gabriel here to do… whatever it he was doing." Dean intervened. He knew how this would go if he didn't, and as much as he enjoyed watching Cas and Gabe exchange barbed comments, he was kinda hungry, and he wanted Cas to himself, for a little while at least.

"I'm liking this being waited on thing." Gabriel said smugly as he settled comfortably in his armchair and started channel surfing to see if he could find anything of interest on the TV.

"Don't go getting used to it Gabe. It won't last forever." Dean responded jokingly over his shoulder as he guided Castiel to the kitchen door, and when Gabriel and Dean's eyes met the both realised the serious aspect to that sentence. That one day, hopefully, Dean would be back in this house, back with Castiel, and Gabriel could return to his apartment and his own life. And they knew that that was what they both wanted more than anything, for things to return to how they used to be. Or as close as they could get now.

* * *

In the kitchen Castiel and Dean moved around grabbing the things they needed to cook dinner, sharing smiles as the past each other, and Dean even venturing to dropping kisses on the back of Cas' neck when he needed to reach across him to grab something. It was a happy scene of domestically, of a couple working together.

It didn't take them long before they had everything ready and called Gabriel to join them at the table. From there proceeded a happy family meal with the three of them discussing how they had spent there day. Castiel even told his brother and Dean of how he had gone to his special place on the hillside for the first time, though he refrained from mentioning the thoughts he had had while he was there. He would not let his unremembered past interfere with the present. He had done that enough.

Soon the food had been consumed, and it was time to clean up and start the next part of the evening.

"I'll sort the dishes and stuff, you guys go and relax." Gabriel said when Dean moved to start clearing the table. After all his brother and brother-in-law had cooked for him, it was the least he could do. Plus he wanted to spy on them when they were together alone, make sure that the happiness he was seeing was real.

"You sure?" Dean asked even though Castiel was already standing and reaching for his hand to pull him into the livingroom. It wasn't like Gabriel was going to have to do the washing up or anything, just load the dishwasher.

"Yeah Dean-o, I'm sure. Now shoo." Gabriel replied making motions with his hands to get rid of them. He waited a beat after they had left and then went to the door and opened it a crack so he could watch how the two behaved when he wasn't with them.

* * *

Castiel pulled Dean with him into the living room and turned him so he could give him a proper kiss, not like the short one they had shared upon Dean's arrival. No this was a 'I missed you today' kiss. A first blush of the relationship kiss. And Dean was more than happy to return it with equal measure.

Once they parted Castiel grabbed the remote from where Gabriel had left it and pulled Dean down to sit beside him. Once he was there Castiel pulled his legs up behind him and smuggled into Dean's side causing the other man to wrap his arm around him and pull him even closer. Yes, this was how Castiel wanted to spend his evening, cuddled up to Dean, close and comfortable as they did such mundane things as watch TV.

Dean was in complete agreement. This was his idea of heaven, having Cas back where he belonged, next to him and in his arms.

And Gabriel watching from the door smiled gently at what he saw before turning back to the dishes on the table. Yes, Dean and Cassie were well on their way to getting back together. Good. Seeing them like they were he felt a weight lift him his shoulders. They were definitely moving away from the dark and into the light, and he couldn't be happier, for any of them.


	36. Chapter 36

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank I'm just here (Guest) and Perdition Raiser** **for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

The evenings in the Novak-Winchester house passed much as they had in the previous weeks. The only difference now was that when they sat to watch a movie or TV, Castiel curled himself into Dean's side and snuggled close to that man as he wrapped him in his arms. There was also a lot more kissing whenever Gabriel wasn't in the room. But the main dynamic and relationship between the three men hadn't altered. Mainly because two of the three were so used to the idea of Castiel and Dean being together it never crossed their minds to change the way they behaved. As for Castiel well, he was so caught up in the honeymoon period of his and Dean's blossoming relationship, caught up in the emerging feelings of love he had for the man, it never crossed his mind to think things should be different now that they were together.

But finally Saturday came and with it, the day Castiel and Dean were finally able to spend together as a couple for the first time.

"So Cas, what do ya wanna do?" Dean asked arriving on the doorstep at 10 in the morning, not even trying to hide the excitement he felt at spending the day with the man he loved.

"There's this place, a forest just outside town. I thought we could visit there, I've packed a picnic, a real one." Castiel responded holding up the bag of food he had with him. He tried not to, but he couldn't help taking careful note of Dean's face as he said the words, trying to see if the place he mentioned rang any bells with Dean, if it meant anything to him. If it was somewhere he had spent time with the other Cas. But all he saw on the other man's face was a genuine smile at the suggestion.

Dean knew the place Cas was talking about, he and Cas 1.0 had been there a few times over the years. But he didn't care. It was where Cas 2.0 wanted to go, and Dean was gonna make the best of the day that he could. He would enjoy seeing it all through Cas' eyes as well as his own. Just as he was their relationship.

"Sounds awesome." He said with a smile reaching for the food and holding out his other hand for Cas to take. And so Dean and Castiel made their way to the car hand-in-hand so they could go to the forest, one of the few patches of wildness left around there town.

* * *

Castiel climbed out of the car and automatically turned his head towards the sun, closing his eyes as he smiled up at it. He loved being outdoors, there was something so special about the feel of the breeze on his skin and the sun on his face, all rounded off by the sounds of the birds singing and the bees buzzing. But that was not why he was here, he was here to spend time with Dean. With that thought he turned to the other man to find him just standing there watching him, waiting for him, completely relaxed and happy to do so. He couldn't help but smile.

* * *

Dean got out of the car and watched as Cas took in the nature around them. He had always loved this shit, and Dean couldn't stop himself from watching the unfettered happiness on Cas' face. It was perfect and gorgeous, and he never wanted that look to fade, not ever.

"So where too?" He asked pulling the food bag onto his back as he smiled at the man who was now looking at him.

"This way." Castiel responded moving towards the path they both knew lead through the trees. But Dean was happy to follow Cas, he was the one who had planned to come here, he was the one who had things he wanted them to see together. He was the one in charge of this day.

As they walked Castiel pointed out things he found with glee, a flower just opening in the shades of the trees, a mammal skittering away at their approach, a rock formation he found particularly pleasing, and at each one he turned to watch Dean's reaction out of the corner of his eye. Trying to see if the man was bored, or if he had a look of someone who had seen it all before upon his face. But no, every time he looked at Dean all he saw was a genuine smile and joy in his eyes as he looked at whatever Castiel indicated. It made something inside him ease as he realised that even here, somewhere there was no chance Dean had never been, the other Cas was not coming between them. It was still the same, him and Dean together alone enjoying each other's company. It was… complete happiness.

They finally reached the place Castiel had wanted them to share their lunch. On the banks of a pool the stream that ran through the woods had carved out of the rocks. It was his favourite place.

Taking the bag from Dean he pulled out the blanket to lay down on the ground before bringing out boxes of cold food, which was rounded off by him bringing out a large pie for him and Dean to share as a desert.

"This looks awesome Cas." Dean said sitting down and reaching over to squeeze Cas' hand to show his appreciation of all he had done for their day. It was perfect.

"Thank you Dean, I hope you like it." Castiel responded with a shy smile as he opened the boxes and Dean found himself greeted by a section of some of his favourite foods ever.

"I love it." he responded with a smile before they both tucked into the food while sharing gentle smiles and brief conversation.

Once the food was gone and the containers back in the bag, Dean lay down with his hands behind his head, enjoying looking up at the leaves on the trees and how the sun light twinkled through the canopy. Castiel decided to join him, but rather than lie at Dean's side he turned so he was perpendicular to him and he could rest his head on Dean's stomach.

At the feel of the head upon him Dean automatically brought one his hands down to run gently through Cas' hair as they lay there in the quiet, savouring each other.

"You must have been here before Dean." Castiel said breaking the silence. He asked not because he was jealous of the other him, or because he wished for Dean to say no so he would be the first to have shown him this place. No he asked purely out of curiosity. Because lying on Dean as he was, with his hand running through his hair, Castiel had realised he had no need to be jealous of the past. He had Dean now, and that really was enough. Dean was all his, and that was all he needed.

"A few times, but it's always different, there's always something new to look at." Dean responded glancing down at the mass of messy hair resting on him. He could have come here every day of his life, and he would have still seen something new today. He had seen how this Cas saw this place, and it was innocent and beautiful.

"Yes." Castiel replied simply turning to stare up at Dean with a smile. His blue eyes meeting Dean's green. Neither of them broke the contact for a long time, there was no need, it was simply them, sharing a moment which would live in both their hearts for the years to come.


	37. Chapter 37

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank Perdition Raiser for the lovely review. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it. Though I do have a confession in the fact I have never actually watched the movie mentioned, it on my to do list (as well as my Netflix queue), I promise.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

It wasn't until the sun was no longer shining down through the trees upon them that Dean and Castiel decided it was time to leave. It had been the perfect day in both their minds, but now it was time to continue it elsewhere. With that realisation they made their way back to the car and Dean drove them back into town, back to the house which was currently Cas' home alone. Once they got there they both climbed out and hand-in-hand made their way to the door. Going inside they worked quickly together to put away all the things they had used on their picnic before settling down on the couch.

Gabriel had gone out, and he had told Castiel that morning he had no plans on returning until the next day. Castiel had wanted to know where he was going and with who, but he had been so keyed up with his plans for him and Dean he had neglected to ask, much to his brothers relief. Gabriel just wanted a normal night out with his friends, and if Cassie was spending the day and evening with Dean, well then Gabriel could return to his apartment and pretend his life was the same as it had been before Castiel had gone into the hospital. It was time he started to live again he felt. Plus it gave the two love-birds some space. They needed it in his mind, it couldn't be easy for either of them to conduct a relationship with him always around.

So it was just Castiel and Dean that evening, deciding to get take out and watch 'It's A Wonderful Life', a movie Castiel had seen many times before, but apparently Dean had missed.

"How could you have not seen it Dean? It's a classic." Castiel responded when Dean told him he hadn't seen it.

"I guess I must have missed that one." Dean responded with an indulgent smile at Cas' disbelief.

"But surely the other Cas made you see it." Castiel exclaimed. There was no way Cas 1.0 could have been with this man for five years and never made him watch it, that was not possible in his mind.

"We never got round to it I guess." Dean replied, neglecting to mention that whenever Cas had suggested he had found something else instead. It wasn't that he didn't want to watch the movie, it was more that it never really appealed to him. But that was before, before he had lost the love of his life, before he had remembered all the things he had never done with the man, the things he had put off until tomorrow. Watching 'It's A Wonderful Life' was one of those things. And it was one he could at least rectify now.

With a shake of his head Castiel put the DVD into the player and settled down into Dean's side in a place which was starting to feel his own. It was time to revisit the warm feelings the movie always gave him. And he couldn't wait to see Dean's reaction to it. To see Dean experience something he loved for the first time.

It was for these reasons that Castiel found himself for the first time ever not really watching the movie as it played on the screen. Instead he watched Dean's face, watched how he reacted, and while he did so he thought about what would happen when the movie was over. He knew from the previous nights, Dean would stand up and he would walk him to the door, they would share a passionate kiss, and the Dean would leave. But sitting there, in the living-room which he had come to call his own, even with pictures of him and Dean dotted around, Castiel realised that he didn't want that. He didn't want Dean to leave him here, didn't want to be alone, or more to the point, without the man at his side. He wanted to be with Dean in every sense of the word. He wanted him to spend the night, he wanted to make love to him and wake up in the morning with Dean at his side. He wanted them to make breakfast together, and then go to church together. He wanted that. He was ready for that.

As the credits rolled up on the screen Castiel came out of his mind feeling a bit guilty that he had not actually watched the movie he had made Dean see, but he had other things on his mind.

"That was awesome." Dean said into the quiet when Castiel turned to him. Looking down at those blue eyes Dean wanted nothing more than to lower his head and kiss him gently before taking his hand and leading him to their bed. But he couldn't do that. This wasn't that Cas, and he needed to take this one slow.

"I'm glad you liked it." Castiel replied smiling up at Dean wondering how to form the words in his mind, how to ask the other man to stay with him, to join him in his bed, to ask him to be with him as he had been with the other Cas, his husband.

"Well I guess I'd better go." Dean said into the silence after staring at Cas for far too long. If he didn't leave now he knew he never would. He would try to persuade the other man to let him stay, but he couldn't do that. It would have to be Cas' decision when they took that step. With that thought he stood, pulling down his tee and prepared to say good-bye.

"Stay." Castiel whispered. It was the only word he had in his mind, even if he knew he should try and make a sentence out of it. It was such a big step, for the both of them. Him because it was his first time with this man, and for Dean because it would be the first time with someone who wasn't his husband.

Dean heard the word, but he wasn't sure he had heard correctly. Did Cas want him to spend the night with him? In his bed? In their bed? Or did he not want to be in the house alone. Damn it Gabriel, if that was the case he was so gonna kick his brother-in-law's ass.

"What Cas?" he asked gently, trying to make it not seem like he was too keen in case it wasn't what he thought, but also trying to make sure it wasn't going to be taken as a no.

"I want you to stay with me Dean." Castiel replied and when the other man just stared down at him as if waiting for something more Castiel stood so he was close enough that only an inch separated their bodies. Taking a deep breath he spoke again, time to make his wishes clear.

"I want to make love to you."

At those words Dean gulped. It had been so long since he had heard Cas say that, he had almost forgotten the feelings the words stirred, well no, he had just assumed he would never feel them again. He did now. But this wasn't the Cas he had married. This was a new Cas, a new lover, a new version of his love. This would be a new experience, for the both of them. At those thoughts he felt as if he was once again standing on the edge of the point trying to decide whether to step off or not. But the difference with this was that if he took that step it would not end in his death, but it would be the death of him and Cas as they had been. He would be making love to a different man, even if inside he was the same. This was the ultimate declaration that he was ready to move on from what had been to what was now and what could be. If he did this he was confirming his stance to live in the present and the future, and even though he had removed his ring and done that, this was the final step, the fait accompli. If he did this there was no going back from here, only forwards, with the new version of the man he loved.

Taking a deep breath Dean stared into Cas' eyes as he breathed his reply. The one he knew in his heart and his head was the right one to give.

"Yes."

At the word Castiel linked his hand with Dean's and lead him unhurriedly from the room. It was time to start the next phase of their relationship, time to find that which was new, and that which was remembered. Time to let his body take control with the man it seemed to know so well. Time to give himself up completely to what could be between them, and accept in some way what had been. It was time for him to unite the Cas' with Dean in love.

* * *

 **Okay, so we are coming to the end of this story (about five chapters to go). I just wanted to say that the chapters from now on will be major points/highlights during Dean and Cas' relationship, therefore the next chapters will be skipping time, but I'll let you know how much. Anyway I hope you like this one.**


	38. Chapter 38

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank Perdition Raiser and rainystv for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So as I said at the end of the last chapter, from now on we'll be having time jumps to the important bits in Dean and Cas' relationship. So here is the first one, its set one month after the previous chapter. I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

 _'You buzz around me like a honey bee_

 _The world brand new awaits for you, wait for me_

 _Wait for me.'_

 _Honey Bee – by Louden Swain_

* * *

A month past from the first time Dean stayed the night with Castiel, since they had rekindled the more physical part of their relationship, even if to Castiel it was all new. In that time they had barely spent any evenings apart, it was therefore a logical choice when Castiel asked Dean to move in with him. To be with him completely. Of course it was fast, but on the other hand it wasn't. Their relationship was a strange mix of the old and the new, and because of what they had been through together they had a connection that was much more profound than most couples do after being together for a month.

Dean jumped at the chance to return home, to return to the domestic bliss he had had with Cas, to once again have that relationship in his life. He was so glad that he could still have it, that this chance was open to him, even though things were different. Therefore it was with a wide smile on his face he arrived with a couple of duffel bags on a Saturday morning. The resemblance to how he had turned up on Cas' doorstep for the first time five years ago was not lost on him, it really was a slight case of deja vu, but that was good. He liked the fact things hadn't changed too much from what had gone before. They were after all the same men inside, and they shared the same feelings.

He was greeted on the path not by Cas as he had expected but by Gabriel grabbing his arm and pulling him around so they were facing each other.

"I know I don't have to say this Dean-o, but I'm gonna anyway. Hurt Cassie, and I will hunt you down and kill you." Gabriel said in an attempt at a menacing voice but all he got from his brother-in-law was him laughing at his words.

"Wow, really? You're giving me the big brother speech?" Dean asked through his laughter, I mean really? But then again, it was such a Gabriel thing to do. And while it may have sounded strange, it made Dean feel happy, made him feel as if Gabriel had accepted him and Cas getting back together. Accepted and understood the relationship they had now. Yeah, that was a good feeling, having Gabriel's, well he didn't want to say blessing but…

"It seemed appropriate, what with you moving back in and me moving out. Just look after him okay?" Gabriel responded in a more serious tone, he knew Dean would, but it never hurt to say the words. In the time since he had brought Castiel home from the hospital he had learnt the true depths of the love he had for his brother, and while he was happy to be leaving, he wanted to make sure Dean was there to pick up the mantle he was laying on his shoulders once more.

"You know I will Gabe. I love him." Dean replied completely in earnest and with a soft smile on his lips. He would never let anything hurt Cas if he could help it, of that Gabriel had his word.

"Yeah I know, but then so do I." Gabriel responded with a shrug as if to say 'go figure?'

"I know. Thanks for what you've done, staying with him and helping him-" Dean started to say, not sure he would ever have the words to thank this man for helping Cas when he could not. For being there for him when he needed it, and even putting his own life on hold to help his brother find his feet once more.

"Don't thank me Dean-o, I'm his brother, it's my job. But it's one I now gladly hand over to his husband." Gabriel interrupted with a roll of his eyes. Did Dean really think he would have done anything else? If it had been Sam, would Dean have done anything else?

"Yeah don't think you should call me that in Cas' hearing." Dean responded rubbing the back of his neck as Gabriel referred to him as Cas' husband. That was still a grey area in Dean's mind, because legally sure, he and Cas were married, but emotionally? There weren't there.

"One day, you'll see, one day I will be able to. See you around Dean-o, you'd better get inside before Cassie comes out here and drags you away from me." Gabriel said with a smirk and wink. He knew nothing would stop Dean and Cas marrying once more, and he couldn't wait to be best man once again, there were so many embarrassing stories he had yet to tell after all.

"Good plan, later Gabe." Dean responded with a wave of his hand as he made his way up the path, to the man who was standing in the doorway waiting for him, waiting for them to start this next phase of their life together. Waiting with a massive smile upon his face at the idea of having Dean all to himself all the time. Yes, this was going to be perfect.

Gabriel turned back towards the road whistling as he went. He had done what was needed, and he had helped his brother come to terms with the world, come to terms with who he really was. It had been a learning curve for the both of them, and it had given him a new respect for his brother-in-law. Not because he looked after Cassie, but because Gabriel knew that being the big brother he had become to Castiel was instinctive to Dean with respect to Sam. It really did make him see the guy in a different light.

But now it was time for Gabriel to return to his own life, back to his own home, and his own ideas of fun and peace. Though it would be a little different than it had been before he came to stay with Castiel. He and his brother were now closer than they had ever been, and that was a relationship he never wanted to give up. Plus he knew that the couple wouldn't be too pissed if he dropped round for dinner every so often, you know, like once a week or something. After all, Dean really was a good cook.

* * *

It was later that night when Dean was spooning Castiel as they lay in their bed, in their room, in their house, drifting off to sleep that Dean spoke the words which had been circling his mind for so long. He had been waiting for the right time to say them to Cas, not wanting to say it too soon. But that right time it seemed had come.

"I love you Cas." He murmured into the other man's hair as he buried his face into his neck and placed a gentle kiss there.

At the words Castiel felt his heart warm. He had so wanted to hear those words from Dean, have him say those words to him, about him. With joy shining in his eyes Castiel turned so he was face to face with Dean before he replied.

"I love you too Dean." he said simply smiling into the green eyes which he still remembered being the first things he had seen when he had woken in the hospital.

At the words from Cas' lips, words Dean had been longing to hear for so long, but wasn't sure he would ever hear again, Dean moved his head forwards to place a gentle and loving kiss on the other man's lips. They loved each other, despite it all, they had once again found each other, found their love. It was in that moment that Dean knew, no matter what, there was nothing in the world that could ever come between him and Cas, they were made for each other, and together they could take on anything. Together they would go forwards and forge the new path of their life.


	39. Chapter 39

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank Perdition Raiser and Guest** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So this is the six month anniversary of Dean and Cas, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

It was coming up to Castiel and Dean's six month anniversary and Castiel had plans for the evening. Plans he had been making for most his life, and now it was time for them to come true. As such when Dean had asked him what he had wanted to do that evening the words left Castiel's lips before he had time to think about them.

"I want a picnic in my special place. The one on the hill." He said, then wondered briefly if it would have been better if he had chosen the place they had their first date. But no, this was how his plan went, and he and Dean had been up to the hillside he loved so much many times since they had got together, and not once had the other Cas intruded upon their time. He would not now, no matter what Castiel had planned.

"Okay, we can do that." Dean responded with a smile, happy to do whatever Cas wanted. He loved the guy, and he was loved in return. They could spend the night in a back alley by some bins for all he cared. As long as they were together he would be happy.

So it was arranged. Cas got together the perfect picnic, including a massive pie he hoped would be one for a cerebration, and beer, Dean liked beer. That evening they both set out on foot using the path from the back of their house to make their way to Cas' special place.

Once there Dean laid out the blanket for them both to sit on and them both proceeded to get out the food and drink, ready to enjoy a perfect evening together.

And perfect it was, they talked and laughed as they ate the food and consumed the beer, but when Dean went to grab the pie and make inroad on it Castiel stopped him with a hand on his arm, making Dean turn to him with a quizzical look.

"There is something I wish to ask, before you have pie Dean." Castiel said taking a deep breath and trying to smile at the words, though he could feel nervous tension coursing through him.

"Okay." Dean responded smiling gently, trying to ease whatever it was that had Cas so tense. He didn't know what was going on, but he had an idea. This was something the other Cas had mentioned to him before, if it was what he thought it was, and if it was, then he was all for it. This time he wouldn't mess up. Because this time he wouldn't be so surprised, nor would he have to even think to give his answer.

At Dean's word Castiel took another deep breath before moving so he was no longer sitting but facing Dean on one knee. Once in position he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a velvet Jewellery box, which when he opened it revealed a simple gold wedding band.

"Dean Winchester, will you marry me, Castiel Novak?" Castiel asked feeling the need to make sure Dean was aware of who was asking the question. Of who it was he would be agreeing to marry.

"Yes Castiel Novak, I want nothing more than to be your husband of the rest of our lives." Dean replied understanding the subtle emphasis Cas had put on his name, and as such making sure he didn't reply with Cas. Because while this was Cas, it wasn't that Cas. He wanted him to know he knew who he would be marrying, and he wanted the man he loved to know he wanted to marry him for who he was now, not what he had been, even if they were increasingly becoming the same man as time went on.

At that Castiel smiled so widely and so brightly that Dean was sure if the sun had been out, he would have put it to shade. As it was he outshone every star in the sky in Dean's mind. Dean held out his hand silently so Cas could put the ring on his finger. It was a different ring from the one that had been there for many years, but it still felt right when Cas sild it home. It was a perfect fit, just as the man with him was.

Castiel placed the ring on Dean's finger with such a surge of happiness and relief. This, as nothing else had done, made him realise Dean was over who he used to be. The other Cas was gone, and it was just the two of them now. Just the two for them for the rest of the lives.

Once the ring was in place Dean pulled Cas to him for a loved filled kiss which ended up with Castiel lying on top of him and both of them only parting their lips so they could breathe.

"So Cas, can I have pie now?" Dean asked with his most charming smile making Castiel laugh as he rolled off of his fiancé.

"Yes Dean, now you can have pie." He replied. With that they both dug into their first pie as an engaged couple, both so happy with the new development in their relationship.

* * *

Upon returning to their house Castiel insisted on calling Gabriel to inform him that he and Dean had just got engaged. Gabriel at that time was in the Roadhouse, and upon hearing the news climbed upon the table and announced it to everyone there. Of course this meant Castiel and Dean were going to have to go down to the bar and join in the impromptu engagement party Ellen had declared would be happening at the words. In fact Gabriel told them if they didn't get there ass down there he and many big burly men were going to come round and kidnap them. And while Castiel felt that could be fun, the only big burly man he wanted to be kidnapped by was his fiancé. Fiancé, he loved that word, though he was sure husband would sound even better.

While Castiel called Gabriel, Dean called Sam. His brother was overjoyed that Dean was finally getting back to where he had been with the man he loved, and when he heard about the engagement party he offered to pick Cas and Dean up, it was time to celebrate this amazing development in Dean and Cas' relationship.

Therefore the Winchester-Novak engagement was celebrated among all the friends and family they both had in town, old and new. Ellen and Bobby insisted on taking the parental roles for both sides of the couple and as such called a free bar to celebrate that the boys they thought of as their own had finally finding each other, again. Chuck even turned up and had a few whiskeys with Castiel and Dean. It was the perfect small town celebration that Castiel had always dreamed of to celebrate his commitment to the one he loved. In fact the whole night had been his dream for so long, he was just glad he got to live it for real with Dean.

Dean on the other hand laughed and joked with the friends he had made in the years he had lived here. It was so different from his and Cas' last engagement party, that had consisted of just them and Gabriel and Sam, but this. This was a celebration and he loved it. He wouldn't change any of it for the world. He had his Cas, and he was over the moon with that. Anything else was a perfect bonus in his mind.


	40. Chapter 40

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank Perdition Raiser for the lovely review.**

 **So here is the next chapter, there is only one left after this, so I hope you like it. The bits in italics are a memory.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

A year to the day since he had woken in the hospital with no memory of the last five years or of Dean, Castiel was preparing to marry the man. Though in truth they were already married, and as such were going to renew their vows. He did not want to have to get devoiced only to marry Dean again, that seemed silly in his mind, and he knew Chuck would make the renewal as much a marriage as he could. he was pledging himself to Dean in the sight of god for life, that was all that mattered. The exact wording had little meaning to him, he only cared about the feelings and commitment he and Dean were performing.

He had chosen this date as it was the one he connected with the start of his new life, and best part of that life was Dean in his mind. It seemed appropriate somehow to have their wedding then. It felt right, to him at least, and Dean had readily agreed when he had suggested it.

He stood in his and Dean's room and stared at himself in the mirror, he still couldn't quite get his head around the differences in his face and he doubted he ever would, not completely. But he had got used to seeing this new him and he had accepted that this was who he was. Smiling at the man reflected back at him he adjusted his deep blue tie, making sure it sat just so. He wanted to look his best for Dean after all.

"knock, knock." Called a voice from the doorway and turning he found Gabriel standing there smiling at him. "Looking good bro." Gabriel continued when Castiel had turned and he could look him up and down. Yeah Cassie was ready to marry Dean, again.

"Thank you." Castiel replied before turning to stare at the photo he had on his dresser. It was of his mother as he remembered her, he had taken it just before he left for New York. His only wish was that she was here to see this day, to see him marry the man he loved. Oh of course she had seen it before, but he didn't remember her being there. It was occasions like this that her loss hit him once more, made the ache he felt at her departure from his life larger and more noticeable.

"She would have been so proud of you Cassie. How you handled all this, and how you've got to where you are today." Gabriel said seeing where his brother was staring and moving over to do something which was not common place for him. He wrapped his brother in his arms in a big brotherly hug. "She would have been so proud you never gave up." He whispered into his brothers ear as he stared at the picture of their mother, tears starting to gather at the corner of his eyes as he remembered Castiel's last wedding day. The day their mom had been there. She had been the one who helped him with his nerves before the ceremony, the one who told him how proud she was, and how happy she was that Dean was becoming another son. He had just stood back that day and let her to it. But she wasn't here this time round. No, that job now was Gabriel's.

"hey, come on. Enough of this. You've got your handsome soon-to-be hubby waiting for you. And I've prepared loads of embarrassing stories to keep everyone entertained." Gabriel said stepping back and slapping Castiel on the back gently while smiling cheekily. He could see his brother also had tears in his eyes, and this was not the time for Cassie to cry. Dean would kill him if he thought he had upset the man he loved on his wedding day.

"Yes Gabriel, though I would prefer it if you did not tell the stories." Castiel replied smiling back and turning towards the door.

"Helllllo best man. Its my job to tells tales about you to anyone who will listen." Gabriel responded with a shake of his head as he pushed Castiel towards the stairs. They needed to get going or Dean would kill him for not getting Cassie there on time. Hmm, this being responsible thing really did make him think of all the reason Dean could have for killing him, should that worry him? Na he could take Dean.

"Hmm, maybe I should gag you?" Castiel suggested in a contemplative tone, though Gabriel could see the hint of laughter in his eyes.

"You could try, but I warn you, I will bite." Was Gabriel's reply as he waggled his eyebrows at his brother before dragging him out the door. They really needed to get going now. It was time for Dean to have his brother back, in all senses of the words.

* * *

Dean stood in his brothers spare room and fixed his tie as quickly as he could. The previous night was the first time he and Cas had been apart since he moved in, and he really didn't like it. All he wanted to do was get to the ceremony so he could see Cas again, make sure he still wanted to do this, still loved him. Though the last wasn't really in doubt in his mind, if it had been his soon-to-be husband-again had removed them all when his and other Cas' wedding anniversary had come round.

* * *

 _Dean and Cas' wedding anniversary..._

 _Dean hadn't really thought about the anniversary of his first marriage to Cas, well that wasn't true. He knew exactly what the day was and all that, but he flatly refused to allow it to affect him and Cas as he was now. He was happy to pretend that the day was just like any other, one filled with wedding planning and just spending time with Cas. He was therefore seriously surprised to come home to find a bunch of roses waiting on the table for him with a card that read_

 _Happy anniversary Dean._

 _Love Cas_

 _"Cas I-" Dean tried to say, tried to think of words to explain what he was feeling, not that he had any. Mainly because he wasn't sure what those feelings were. They were all a jumble inside him, a mix of happiness and pain._

 _"Do you like them Dean?" Castiel asked cautiously, wondering if his idea had been such a good one after all. He had known the date, and while he didn't remember marrying Dean, he did not want the other man to forget the happiness they had shared before, in their other life._

 _"Yeah, it s just..." Dean replied still not looking up from the card which was cutting him in half. Because looking at the words he could believe that this was real. That this was a year ago, when Cas had remembered it all. But it wasn't, this wasn't then, this was now and... he just didn't know how to react._

 _"I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry, I just thought..." Castiel said with a sigh at seeing the conflicted emotions on Dean's face. He reached for the flowers, aiming to take them away, hoping they could forget he had been so stupid._

 _"Thought what Cas?" Dean asked turning to him for the first time as he moved the flowers out of Cas' reach. He wanted to know why Cas had done this, what was behind it._

 _"I don't remember marrying you Dean, but you do. I wanted you to have something to recognise the day which was so filled with happiness and love. I wanted you to be able to remember the love you have for the other Cas, as well as that which you have for me. And I wanted you to know that whichever Cas I am, I love you with everything I am." Castiel replied with a slight frown as he tried to find the words to explain his reasoning to Dean. A way he would understand._

 _"Oh Cas." Dean breathed placing the flowers down as he wrapped his arms around the man he loved. He couldn't believe he had done this for him, and yeah okay, it was shock and painful, but with Cas' reasons explained, he saw it as thoughtful, and he loved the man in his arms even more for it._

 _Dean bent his head to kiss Cas, to show him how much he appreciated the gesture, but it seemed that Cas hadn't finished talking. It seemed now he had started, there were things he wanted, no needed to say._

 _"You have done so much for me Dean, some men would have just walked away when I woke without remembering them. But you didn't. You stayed and you helped me find who I am. You willing became my guide through that which I didn't remember, and gave me your friendship even though I know it wasn't easy for you. You had lost the man you loved, but rather than turning in on yourself, you gave me everything I asked for and more. You are such a special man Dean Winchester, and I am so luckily I have you, now and then. I wanted to find a way to show you that."_

 _With his monologue finished Castiel smiled up at Dean who couldn't quite believe what he had just heard. Cas was the special one. He was the one who had been to hell and back, had to adjust to accepting he would never remember five years of his life. He had only done what he could to help him. Because he would always help Cas._

 _"I could never walk away from you Cas, no matter what, I'm here to stay." Dean finally managed to say in a slightly choked voice._

 _"good, so am I." Castiel replied simply before leaning up and kissing Dean with all the love he had for the man, a kiss which was returned tenfold._

* * *

Dean was pulled from the memory by his brothers appearance in the doorway.

"You ready to go?" Sam asked smiling at his brother adjusting his tie one last time. It was so like the last time he had stood by him as he pledged his life to Cas. Like but different as well. That was a feeling that had become all to familiar for him to have. Watching Cas and Dean being together, talking to his brother-in-law himself. Like but different had become his standard way of thinking of Cas now.

"You bet." Dean nodded decisively before turning from the room and practically running out of the door. Sam just shook his head at his brothers behaviour with a small smile. He loved that Dean was so keen to see Cas, it reaffirmed to him that Dean did indeed love this version of Cas just as much as he had the other. He was glad of that, so glad Dean had got it all back.

* * *

Dean and Sam were already waiting when Gabriel pulled up at the gate to the field next to the church. You see while Chuck couldn't perform the renewal on church ground, he had, with the help of some awesome PR and lawyer work by the two best men, arranged it so it could be preformed in the field next door. They would have the back drop of the church behind them, and Castiel's mothers grave was insight as well. Which he knew some would find morbid, but Chuck knew that at least this way Castiel would feel she was there in some capacity.

"You're late." Dean snapped out to Gabriel when he got out of the drivers side, though his eyes where trained on Cas and a smile had spilt his lips at the sight of the man he loved.

"It's the brides prerogative to be late to her wedding Dean-o." Gabriel responded with a smirk when his words registered and Castiel turned to glare at him.

"There are no brides at this wedding Gabriel." Castiel growled before turning back to Dean and deciding to ignore his brother as best he could.

"Oh yeah there is, I'm just now sure which of you it is." Gabriel muttered just loud enough for all four men to hear, even if two of them pretended they didn't. Sam on the other hand had to manfully make sure he didn't laugh out loud.

The ceremony was a simple one, with Dean and Castiel having opted for writing there own vows. Therefore when the time came for them to pledge themselves to one another for the rest of their lives they turned to stare into each others eyes. Green drowning in blue and vice versa.

"Dean if you would?" Chuck gestured before taking a step back leaving Dean to speak.

"Cas, I fell in love with you the moment I first met you. That love grew even more as I got to know you and shared my life with you. This past year I have once again had the joy of experiencing falling in love with you, learning the man you are, and discovering the joy you bring to my life. I never want to be without you, and I freely give my heart into your hands to cherish and protect as I vow to do the same with yours."

"Castiel?" Chuck said gently startling the dark haired man as he stared at Dean and felt the warmth inside him at his words.

"A year ago I woke to find myself married to a stranger. A stranger with gorgeous green eyes. Since then I have been on the receiving end of your generosity and love. And through you I learnt to live again, and learnt to love. You showed me wonders I had only dreamed of, feelings I had only ever hoped to experience, and you did it all for me. I love you Dean, and even when I did not remember you, I loved you. I will always love you. You are my soulmate and I vow to you, that nothing will ever come between us."

"I now bless the union of Dean and Castiel Winchester-Novak as they renew there vows in front of their family and friends who bare witness to their love and comment to one another. You may now kiss your husband." Chuck said after a beat, bring the crowd to a stand as they applauded Dean and Castiel once more giving themselves to each other forever.

Dean and Castiel on the other hand heard nothing but the last part of Chuck's sentence, moving as one they wrapped their arms around each other and shared a kiss filled with the love, warmth and care of the words they had said with such belief to each other. A kiss that was a confirmation of the vows they had just put into words. A seal on their love and their future together.


	41. Chapter 41

**Hello my darlings I would like to thank Perdition Raiser, AngelisticSatan and rainystv for the reviews. I would also like to thank all of you who have followed and favoured this story. I love you all.**

 **So this is the last chapter. I have so enjoyed writing this story, it has made me laugh and cry as I have done so and left me with a warm glow in my heart at the end. I hope it has done the same to you. I hope you have all enjoyed this story and enjoy this final instalment.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

It was six months after his and Dean's marriage, and while Castiel was perfectly happy, he felt that still there was something missing in their lives. He didn't know what it was until he went to with Chuck to meet new parents who were planning on getting their child christened. Seeing the way the way the mother and father looked at her daughter Castiel felt a deep pull in his heart. He wanted that. He wanted to look at a child with that much love, he wanted to have a life dependant on just him and Dean. He wanted them to have a child. He had no idea how Dean would feel about this idea, after all most gay man do not figure children into their future. But Castiel wanted one, he wanted for them to be a complete family, him, Dean and a child they could call their own.

The evening after his visit with Chuck, Castiel sat waiting for Dean to return from work, his pulse racing at the idea he was about to propose to his husband, to the man he loved. They had never discussed children, but he had seen Dean with the ones at church and he had always been friendly. He was sure Dean would be happy for them to have a baby. Oh he really hoped Dean would be happy for them to have a baby.

"Hey honey, I'm home." Dean chorused as he usually did as he opened the door. It still made him smile to know that the honey he was calling out to was his husband. His Cas. He had his Cas back. Yeah sure it was slightly different, he had even found Cas didn't like the some of the same food as he had before the op, but it was still him coming home to the man he loved. The man he had pledged himself to for the rest of his life.

"Hello Dean." came Castiel's reply from the doorway to the livingroom before he moved to give Dean a welcome home kiss that Dean was more than happy to return. But that didn't stop him notice the slight nervousness in Cas' voice when he had greeted him.

"What's going on Cas?" Dean asked pulling his lips away from the man in his arms and capturing his blue eyes so he could stare into them.

There was no way Cas could do anything but tell Dean the truth at that point. Not when staring into his eyes and seeing the love they held for him.

"I went with Chuck to the Fitzgerald's today-" Castiel started to say, trying to think of way to explain how he had come by his sudden idea.

"Nothing's wrong right? Garth and Bess are good? And their daughter?" Dean interrupted grabbing Cas' arms. Garth was a good friend of his, even if he was a dentist, and Bess was as sweet as anything. They had been so happy with the birth of their daughter a month ago, surely nothing had gone wrong in that time. Right?

"Everything is fine, we went to organise the christening." Castiel rushed to reply. Of course Dean would think the worse with him mentioning them and coupled with his nerves. He wanted to reassure Dean that all was well with their friends.

"Well that's good. So what's up?" Dean asked relaxing his hold realising that it was probably too tight. He just didn't want anyone to ever have to go through anything like he had. He loved his friends like family.

"Dean I want to have baby." Castiel responded having tried to come up with a better way of saying it but finding nothing. Might as well just blurt it out.

"Umm Cas, you know you're a guy right?" Dean asked with a smirk and a rise of his eyebrow. He knew exactly was Cas was saying, this wasn't the first time he had had this conversation after all. Of course the last time it had led to him and Cas having physicals which had led to them finding Cas' brain tumour- which was gone now. Everything was fine now. Surely he and Cas could get a baby this time, right? Surely it was time to make their family complete.

"You know what I mean Dean. I want us to have a child, have a family. If you want one that is." Castiel replied with a roll of his eyes at Dean's jokey comment, though he knew his husband well enough to see the raw fear underneath. It made him question whether Dean truly wanted a child or not. He would not force a baby upon Dean, they both had to want it. They would both be its parents after all.

"There's nothing I want more than to have a family with you Cas. I promise you that." Dean responded with as much sincerity as he could. He knew Cas could feel his fear, but it was irrational, he knew that. There was no reason for it. He and Cas were both in perfect health.

"Truly?" Castiel whispered allowing hope to fill his heart at the idea of having a child with the man he loved.

"Cross my heart. I think having a baby of our own will be the perfect topping to our apple pie life." Dean responded before closing the gap and kissing the man he loved with every feeling they he had. He and Cas were gonna be a family, they were gonna have a kid to share their love with, and Dean couldn't think of anything better.

* * *

It took another six months of interviews and consultations before they finally were able to bring home Claire Winchester-Novak, a two month old baby who was their new daughter. Dean and Castiel had spent much of that time doing up Gabriel's old room, turning it into the nursery for their child, giving her (or him) a room of their own when they brought them home.

Of course Claire's arrival in the house had been cause for celebration by all the extended family, giving her uncles a chance to try and outdo each other with presents for their niece, and her adoptive grandparents in the form of Bobby and Ellen to consider how to spoil her. It was such a happy home coming for the sleeping girl. She was so well behaved, gurgling as each person held her and Dean and Cas both beaming as new parents should. They had already arranged with Chuck for her christening, and it was to be an event for the whole town to attend. A time for everyone to celebrate Dean and Cas being a family.

Once everyone had left and Dean and Cas had put their new daughter down in her crib Dean stood there for a second and stared down at that the new life that was dependent upon him. It was then, staring down at the sleeping baby with Cas at his side that he realised he finally gone further than he had been before. He and Cas had taken that next step on their road, and from now on everything would be new, everything would be different. He was now living the future he and Cas1.0 had envisioned. Sure it may have taken longer than he had seen to get here, but he was here. He was now living the dream life they had had of their family, and he couldn't wait to see what the future held. What new things they would see on the journey into the unknown they were now all travelling. He felt a peace settle inside him at the idea that that he and Cas were now on an even playing field. This was a new life for the both of them. And he couldn't wait to find out what it would bring.

Castiel of course didn't have any of thoughts or memories or past, all he felt as he stared down at their daughter and felt Dean's arm wrap around him was just how perfect his family was. Of how perfect his life was, and how precious. And how much he was going to enjoy experiencing it all with the man he loved and their daughter at his side.

The future was so bright for the both of them. The past, what was, what had been, what was remembered and what was not, no longer held any significance to either of the men as they stared down at the daughter they loved. She was now their world, and it was one they were determined to fill with happiness and sunshine, and most of all love. Because, as they had discovered, love really could conquer all.

THE END

* * *

 **So that's it, time to say goodbye to this child of mine.**

 **I want to thank you all for reading this, and for all the reviews, follows and favours I have I had. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have writing it, and I hope you like the end.**

 **Thank you again for all your support, it means so much to me to know people like what I write. I never thought I would be able to do this as I'm dyslexic, but the support I get for all my stories shows me that people don't care if my grammar or spelling isn't always perfect. You like the ideas I have in my mind. And for that I can never say how grateful I am.**

 **So thank you all for the support, and maybe I'll see you again. But for now, god bless.**


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